Mordant Conceit

New Blog

2008-01-20T18:09:00.001-08:00

I'm moving. Visit me here. Because of course!

Mama is tired.

2008-01-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

Parenting is hard. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa, I know. It's wonderful and great and fun and life-changing, but it's also hard and tiring and heart-breaking. You know, since I have exactly 1 child, I'm total authority on the subject, right? This morning Ethan started crying at like 6 a.m. We brought him in bed with us (mistake) and I finally got up with him at around 6:45. I really would've liked to stay in bed for another 30 minutes or so. That would've been very, very nice. He had a nightmare diaper, complete with earth-tone colored poo (silty clay?) and highly offensive stank. He felt a little warm to me and his cheeks were flushed, so I gave him a dose of children's Motrin. He fussed over what to eat for breakfast. He wanted a waffle, then a quesadilla, then cereal, then a cereal bar, then peanut butter on graham crackers, then NO waffle, NO quesadilla, NO CEREAL NOPEANUTBUTTERNOGRAHAMCRACKERSGETTHEMOFFMYHIGHCHAIRNOW! So I decided to make him some whole-wheat pancakes, to which he happily agreed. I groggily mixed the batter, substituting cinnamon applesauce for the oil, and added it to the skillet in sleepy blobs. While they were cooking I wondered, why don't I cook breakfast more often? Why don't I cook more in general? I always wanted to be the kind of mom to prepare home-cooked meals every night. And I am clearly NOT that mom. I slid 2 pancakes onto Ethan's Winnie the Pooh plate, spread a little Smart Balance spread on them and poured on the syrup. I carefully cut each pancake into little squares, retrieved a kid fork from the drawer and stumbled over to his highchair. "Um, no pancake... I wanna waffle! Or quesadilla!" he exclaimed. THIS. This is exactly why I don't go to great lengths to prepare meals anymore. I brushed the pancakes into the trash with a sigh.

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4 weeks to go until my last day of work. 5 weeks until we're on the road! I can't tell you how excited I am to throw away half of our crap. Looking around I can name more than a handful of things we will NOT be taking with us back to Texas. Our house is tiny. Eensy weensy. So if we throw/give away half our stuff, packing up the other half should be a snap. My new mantra for life in Texas will be less is more. I want to simplify and downsize. Also, we have (counts on fingers) 5 televisions. How'd THAT happen?

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Bwa, hahaha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! (insert crazed laugh) I just finished cooking up the rest of the pancakes for Drew and myself, along with some turkey bacon, and OF COURSE the second I sit down with my plate, Ethan toddles over and says "Pancakes? I want pancakes!" He's on his second one now. Yeah, I was tempted to dig the two rejected pancakes out of the trash to feed him, but I didn't. Good mommy.

Oh Holy Shit...

2008-01-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

Spirophita tagged me a few weeks back to do the "5 Things Most People Don't Know About Me" thing. I love getting tagged! It's like being picked to be on someone's dodge ball team in middle school (thanks Spiro!).

1) I am OCD (or maybe I'm just weird, which is no news flash) but have gotten much better. I still have to set two alarm clocks every night and check them each fifty bajillion times before going to sleep, but it used to be much worse. This is related to # 2:
2) I am a clean/neat FREAK. It took me forever to get used to having toys and crayons strewn about. Now I just take a deep breath and remember that it'll all be cleaned up and put away at the end of the day, and that it'll be a mess again the next day. Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!
3) Right after high school I became a certified nurse aide and worked on the medical/surgical floor of a local hospital in Texas for about 6 months. My responsibilities included but were not limited to taking vital signs, measuring feces, emptying catheter bags and even inserting and removing them! This is what made me decide to enroll in college!
4) I was born in Canada, where they administer fluoride treatments to young children (mom, is that right?) and the bottom half of my two front teeth ended up being severely discolored because of this. I was teased a lot in elementary school. I was so self-conscious of my teeth that I practiced smiling in front of the mirror so my bottom lip would cover the first half of my two front teeth. Goofy, yes, but still better than showing my big, toothy, discolored grill. In middle school as a birthday present my parents bought me porcelain veneers, which cost a LOT of money. From that instant my life changed. I still remember coming back to school after the procedure and smiling a full smile. It felt great. Then, of course, I started smoking like a chimney a few years later, and then drinking hellacious amounts of coffee, tea and diet soda, so my once gleaming pearly whites are now more, uh, off-white, unfortunately. How sad. Still much better than once upon a time, though.
5) I played the flute in middle school. I became so nervous when I had to play solo in front of the rest of the class that I developed this horrible shaky lip, which caused my notes to sound out in short, nervous chops rather than in a long, continuous flow. I quit after one year.

Fun! I tag Unsociable and Taciturn. YOU BETTER DO IT! ;O)

I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING...

2008-01-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

You never stop learning from Sesame Street. Over the weekend Drew and I were watching an episode with Ethan, and the letter of the day was A. They ran through the usual: apple, ant, armadillo, and alcoholics anonymous. Next, they showed an acorn. "A is for ACORN!" said the voice in the background. Drew turned to me, stunned. "Acorn? It's acorn?" he questioned. "Um, yeah.... what the hell are you talking about?" I asked. "All this time I thought it was EGG-corn. You know, cuz it's sort of shaped like an egg..." he confessed. Our thirst for knowledge will simply never be quenched.

Excrement! Also, Texas...

2008-01-06T12:29:00.001-08:00

Jesus Christ. Ethan has had this HORRIBLE obsession with taking his diaper off during nap and night time the last two days. We've had 2 poo situations and 2 pee situations, so far an even score, each significantly more disgusting than the last. We were up at 2:30 a.m. this morning stripping the urine-soaked sheets from his mattress and re-diapering his naked ass, and then we were lucky enough to enter his room this morning at 7 a.m. to find the same mess, only this time involving poo. Between that and trying to potty train the new pup, my entire weekend has pretty much involved nothing but bodily excretions, NONE OF WHICH WERE FROM MY OWN BODY.

Ahem! Today we returned the puppy to D's mom's house, where it came from. This experience has made me realize that I am no longer a dog person. Not at all. Or, I'm not a puppy person, rather. Oh, how I hate puppies. Isn't that awful? Next I'll be saying that I love to eat the brains of baby bunnies. Anyway, two weeks of random peeing and pooping and chewing and biting and scratching almost caused me a nervous breakdown. He had to go. Supposedly we are not allowed to give Ethan away in this same manner, so instead we bought some Diego pull-ups and said a few prayers. Cool, look, it's DIEGO! And you want to wear Diego on your crotch, right? If the Spanish-speaking, backpack totin' explorer isn't enough to keep those suckers on, I'm hoping that they'll be too tight for Ethan to take off himself. Hopefully he will grow tired after a few minutes of tugging and pulling and will PASS the FUCK OUT from exhaustion. My fingers are crossed.

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Alert, alert! I scoped out some Cadbury Creme Eggs at the grocery store yesterday and bought three of them. I think these little nuggets of sweet and creamy goodness are a love-or-hate food. You either absolutely LURVE them or they make you want to yack. For all you lovers out there, go buy some and molest the gooey center with your tongue. You know you wanna.

::

In other, more exciting news, we are moving back to Texas! We're GOING-GOING, BACK-BACK to TEXAS-TEXAS. I turned in my resignation at work nearly a month ago, giving them a more than fair 9-week notice, so now the hunt is on for my replacement. What is in store for us in Texas, you ask? Well, D has already secured a job. I am looking at going back to school to finish out my Bachelors degree. I think I might enjoy majoring in journalism! I can't believe that has never occurred to me before, to pursue something I actually enjoy. For the longest time I wanted to get a degree in nutrition, but that wasn't necessarily because I'm in love with macronutrients or anything; my eating-disordered past had programmed me to memorize any and everything I learn about food and metabolism. So it just made sense to go with something I seemed to be good at. Now I'm not so sure I was ever good at nutrition, I think I'm just really good at having eating disorders. I don't think the University of North Texas offers that degree plan.

Anyway! I'm stoked to move back, really over-the-freaking-moon excited. I'm nervous about trying to find a new daycare for Ethan. We love his current class so much that I'm sure everything else will pale in comparison (Megan? Didja talk to yer mama?). I remember the anxiety I had the first time we looked for a daycare, so I'm certain everything will work out just as well this time. My last day is Friday, February 15th. That's what, less than six weeks away!? I'm kind of sad to leave the people at my office. They are without a doubt the funniest, most enthusiastic, smartest group of people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. But I'm not sad to leave my actual job. It's time to mooooooooooooove on. It's time to move back home! We'll be U-Haulin' it back to DFW on February 25th. YEE-freaking-HAW, y'all!

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T12:50:00.000-08:00

Editor's Note: I have been summoned to play in a Guitar Hero III tournament for about an hour now, and my husband is threatening to slit my throat if I do NOT COME HERE THIS INSTANT. Damn my silly blog, can't I do this tomorrow? So I must compete for the title, ya'll. Please excuse any grammatical errors and/or typos. Thank ya kindly!

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We're in Texas and I'm doing tequila shots with my sister. (10:39 p.m. and the current count is 6 a piece). Drew is upstairs playing beer pong with 2 of my sister's boyfriends. Question: Is it salt, tequila, lime or tequila, salt, lime? We've been doing salt, tequila, lime and I think I like that much better than tequila, salt, lime.

From Sundry's blog. I did this last year, too. Not much has changed!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?  Herion. Actually, I decided to brave the dark and uncertain and unknown. I went back to work full-time after being a stay-at-home-mama for over a year in a scary and unfamiliar city. I lost a lot of weight, then gained it back. Go me!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I don't make new year's resolutions anymore. Sorry, Charlie.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  My friends Lindsay and Sean recently welcomed their second baby boy, and my old friend Rosie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Unfortunately, my husband's grandpa passed away very recently. I know people always say "Ah, he/she is in a better place now", but I truly believe that he is in a much better place now, finally at peace.

5. What countries did you visit?  Sadly, none. I stayed in the good ol' U-S of A. Although I did travel to Boca Raton, Florida on business. That's practically another country, right?

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Sanity. A more defined and satisfactory sense of self. Less pressure. More fun. Less worry. Much more adventure. More patience with Ethan.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The day my mother and her fiance got married. Naturally I can't remember the exact date. It was a really great night. Also, February 15, the day I went back to work full-time and sent my little guy off to daycare. Talk about transition! Lastly, the day we lost our chihuahua, Bogart. He ran away from my mom's house in Texas when we were there for a visit in October. I hope he finally got laid.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Deciding that I need more in life. Admitting that I am not ever going to be happy if I settle. This applies to so many things...

9. What was your biggest failure?  Putting so much pressure on myself. Always expecting perfection. Ceasing to find the beauty in the imperfect. Not always having the necessary patience that life (and parenting especially) calls for.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Ethan went through a repeat bout of pinkeye. He must have had it six times in six months. We also went through two rounds of the 24-hour flu. Not fun, not fun at all. But great for weight loss!

11. What was the best thing you bought?  My husband's truck. FINALLY, we have a truck. Now maybe D will SHUT UP.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Every one's, in some way or another. Drew pursued a new, more satisfying job despite the odds and strikes against him. I learned to accept myself the way I am now, in the present moment. Ethan is just plain awesome. He does something that calls for celebration (almost) every day. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine. My husband's. Ethan's. I think most of it was normal, though. And it was normal for me to be depressed and appalled. (What's normal, anyway?) Oh, and that BRITNEY SPEARS. Christ.

14. Where did most of your money go?  Bills and daycare. 2008 is going to be our year. We'll get a ton of stuff paid off... we'll finally make it to that light at the end of the tunnel!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Anytime we visited my family in Texas. Finding a really great job. Breaking out of dieting insanity. Holidays and birthdays with E.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?  a)happier! b)the same! c)richer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would have had more fun. I wish I would have done more non-body/non-diet related things. I want to be more crafty, like my friends Meghan and Megan.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Dieting. Worrying. Stressing. Obsessing. Losing my temper.

20. How did you spend Christmas?  Lost in a sea of wrapping paper! In Louisiana with my in-laws. E developed a double ear infection and high fever. Merry Christmas!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?  I'm easy. I fall in love constantly.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Six Feet Under. My brilliant and beautiful and bestest friend Megan lent me the dvds for Seasons 1 and 2. Also, Dexter, Weeds and The Office.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No! I don't HATE anyone, really.

24. What was the best book you read?  Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. Currently I'm reading his sequel, Dry. So far it is kicking complete and total ass as well.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  I haven't found any spectacular new bands, but I haven't really been looking. I've been alternating between Muse and every Smashing Pumpkins album ever created.

26. What did you want and get? I wanted for Ethan to be well adjusted and happy. He is, he is! I also wanted to be a size 8 and a size 8 I was! Was. Meaning am not anymore.

27. What did you want and not get?  I wanted to wake up one morning and have my dream job and a million dollars and perkier boobs. Sadly this never happened, no matter how much mescaline I took.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  I really liked Knocked Up and Super Bad, but I saw Juno last night and decided that it just might be one of the greatest films EVA. Certainly my favorite of the year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I'm pretty sure my mother-in-law cooked a big dinner for me and got a cake, and I'm sure a few presents were involved, but I didn't do anything wild or crazy or spectacular. I turned 27.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Having my friends and family close by, same story as last year.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?  Simple work wear (black pants, heels or wedge sandals, plain sweaters and button-ups) or jeans, t-shirts and flip flops or Nikes. In a word: BORING (but comfortable).

32. What kept you sane?  Wine. My sisters. My mom. Exercise. Wine. Wine. Wine.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Let's see... Dexter. (Michael C. Hall) Mmm, hmmm.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  Not any one specific issue (isn't WAR a given?), but just the sense that things aren't getting any better. It sucks wondering about your child's future and being afraid of the things you can't control.

35. Who did you miss?  My family and friends in Texas.

36. Who was the best new person you met?  The people at my current job. There are 5 other people in my office and they are all brilliant, funny and amazing.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.  Ah, I really am my own worst critic. Also, I don't hate kids after all.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. From Fleetwood Mac's Landslide:

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing

cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too

Sunday...

2007-12-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's almost 2008. I'll be 28. That makes me slightly queasy.

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Ethan has been a total terrorist lately. He is Mr. Bossy McBossypants and it is really driving me nuts. "STOP SINGING!" he'll scream, as I quietly hum to the radio. "STAND UP!" he'll demand, as I collapse in a tired heap on the couch. He fully extends his arm and points his tiny finger at me when he says these things, and sometimes I half expect that a laser beam will emit from his fragile digit. Is he acting out because D and I were fighting the other night? Is he over or under-stimulated at daycare? Is he really the Antichrist? I chalk it all up to the terrible twos. Ethan will be 2 on Thursday, December 27th. Right on queue.

::

The non-diet thing was great at first, then I obsessed over not dieting, which led me to binge a few times, which led me to feel like a failure at yet another food and body related distraction, and then... well, I don't know what happened. I just sort of stopped caring and snapped out of it. I work out. That hasn't changed. Weights for an hour twice a week, cardio as many times as I can fit it in, yoga if I need to chill. Sometimes I eat very healthy, sometimes I don't. It all depends on WHAT I FEEL LIKE. I continue to buy clothes that fit well, look good and make me feel good. I have learned to L-O-V-E my ass. Really and truly. I cherish that junk in my trunk. Of course there are still things I dislike (tricep jiggle, cellulite, saddlebags, the years later post-baby ab pooch that just won't quit), but I no longer hate any part of my body. That HATE is gone.

So, the mistake I made in the beginning was expecting to be "cured" after a month. Because if you've been doing the emotional eating thing all your life, or the diet/binge/diet/binge thing, you can't realistically expect that 2 books and a few weeks will break the cycle. It takes effort. You won't be perfect. You will slip and fall. But you need to fall. You make real progress when you fall and DON'T try to fix things with another diet. You make progress when you overeat at dinner one night and let it go. When you wake up the next morning and eat a bowl of Cheerios when you get hungry because that's what you want to eat, not eggwhites and oatmeal because that's what you THINK you should eat. It takes awhile for all that pressure to subside. It's almost easier to just keep dieting than it is to face the first few weeks of non-dieting. It's easier to continue the cycle of losing weight and then gaining it back (on a diet, off a diet, on a diet, off a diet) because it's so familiar, it's all you know. But I am telling you that once you get over that hurdle, once you let all your perfect body expectations go and focus on health and how you feel and what you truly enjoy (what you enjoy food-wise, exercise-wise, life-wise!), when you focus on what feels good, it's absolutely worth it. Getting your life back is worth it. Even if you have to start from scratch.

::

D's family surprised us with a puppy last night. He is half rat terrier, half chihuahua. A rathuahua? It makes me sad to think that we've replaced Bogart. The thought of potty training both a toddler and a puppy makes me want to kill myself. But Ethan loves him and Drew adores him and dammit, I do too. But. BUT! If this dog start chewing things to shreds or using the living room rug as his personal porta-potty, he is out! I mean it. Does anyone have any puppy training advice? Book suggestions? Or should we just spike his water with Nyquil...

::

You must. MUST! Absolutely must read Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It took me about 3 days to read it, all 315 pages, and for me that is nothing short of a miracle. I can hardly make time to check my email or blog or brush my teeth, let alone sit down to read a book. It's the kind of book that leaves you thinking about it hours after you've put it down. I highly recommend it.

::

That's all I got.

Saturday...

2007-12-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

This morning we got all dolled up to go see Santa Clause at my in-laws' church. We waited for an hour (AN HOUR) in line for Ethan to scream and cry in response to being placed on some white bearded stranger's lap. For older kids visiting Santa is exciting, magical even. For an almost 2-year old it seems to be traumatizing. In desperation I sat on the arm of Santa's chair with Ethan so we could get a half-way decent picture. Santa wrapped his arm low around my waist for the shot and it felt weird. I don't blame Ethan for throwing a fit.

::

We watched the original claymation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer last weekend, which is my favoritest of favorite Christmas movie of all time. It was much shorter than I remember. When it was over I felt depressed. There are so many things that I would like to change about myself as a kid if I could go back. Today when we were at the church and the other kids were running around playing and jumping and laughing, Ethan stood by quietly watching. I don't want him to be a watcher. We make it a point to do everything we can to build up his confidence, telling him "Good job!" and "You did it!" and showing him lots and lots of love. I was always a watcher. I had negative confidence as a kid. I want Ethan to always know that he can do anything he puts his mind to, that he's good enough and smart enough and capable. I was always good enough and smart enough and capable, too, I just didn't realize it in time. He eventually joined in with the other kids and had a good time, but for a moment I saw myself in him and it scared me half to death. I think it's safe to say that I'd like for Ethan to be the total opposite of myself as a kid. I don't want him to spend his twenties wondering why he didn't do this or that, why he never fully lived, why he spent all his time watching.

::

We saw a few kids and parents from E's daycare at the Santa gig. I am such a social dork it's pathetic. I guess I always assumed that the parent's of kids in the same class would be automatic friends, but that isn't the case. When I took Ethan over to say hi to one of his pals from school, the mom hardly even looked at me. She was too busy scolding her other fifteen precious darlings to STOP [running, screaming, fighting, kicking] RIGHT NOW, I guess. And she probably noticed me counting her kids and eyeing her ringless wedding finger. Maybe she was just jealous because Ethan is clearly the cutest toddler in the whole wide world, and therefore her kid is not the cutest toddler in the whole wide world. That would upset me, too. Anyway, I get the yucky taste of High School in my mouth when I try to make small talk with these parents. I hope Ethan doesn't inherit my inability to socialize or my great ability to jam my entire foot and half my leg into my mouth.

::

Yesterday I made a quick run to the mall before picking Ethan up at daycare. I had exactly 45 minutes to shop. I found the cutest little dress for tonight's company Christmas dinner in about five minutes flat, and even better was that it fit perfectly when I tried it on, and even better-better-BEST was that it rang up as only $15 at the register (I love JC Penny's!). Gotta love those pre-Christmas sales. Per my request, D's Christmas gift to me is sending me off to the mall with a pocket full of cash while he watches the tot. Heaven! I'm very excited. The fact that I like JC Penny's so damn much makes me feel so old and lame. I guess it could be worse. I could love Sears.

Saturday...

2007-12-08T16:55:00.001-08:00

Where have I been? I've been busy. Busy being miserable and happy at the same time, fit AND flabby at the same time, binging and eating intuitively. Ah, 'tis a roller coaster that never makes any stops! I've also been doing a lot of reading. I'm almost finished with Jane Hirschmann's Overcoming Overeating, which I purchased used from this site for less than three bucks. The next book I read will NOT be related to anything food, body image, binging, or exercise. I am, once again, making myself crazy.

I've learned a whole lot about myself in the last month. Not like this is a major news flash, but I am an anxiety eater. I don't know how to deal with my feelings, and all my life I have comforted myself with food, which has been the ONLY way I have ever known to comfort myself until very recently. I always chalked my binging up to lack of willpower and failure. Overcoming Overeating really had some good points and made me shift my thinking a bit. Skwigg reviewed some similar books on her blog. I really think that at the start these types of books can seem so touchy-feely, or lame, or pitiful, but in the end I think it's worth the read if you suffer or have suffered from any type of food or body-related disorder. Help thyself! Oh, but it's totally ok to remove the cover while reading these books in public, or in the case of my most recent read, which was a paperback, to fold the book in half so that the pages cover the title of the book. Do that and cross your fingers that nobody comes up and asks you what you're reading to make small talk. I don't think I'd like to casually tell some stranger or co-worker that I'm reading Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating or Overcoming Overeating while shoveling a Quizno's sub into my gaping maw. Sexy.

Anyway, when you've been doing something on a regular basis (overeating, binging) for twenty years, it's mighty hard to just read a couple of books, snap your fingers and expect to be "cured". Putting an end to binging/overexercising/self-medicating in any unhealthy way takes some real effort, and it's hard work. I've felt amazing, discouraged, scared, disgusting, beautiful, healthy, unhealthy, crazy, sane, hungry, full, successful, carefree and trapped ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

It took me nearly three months to conclude the following:

I'm a 5 or 6 small meals a day girl, bottom line. I gave the "eat when you're hungry" thing a fair shot and ended up tired, ravenous, and overfull much of the time. I function much better on a steady, balanced flow of nutrients throughout the day. This has nothing to do with losing weight. This time it is merely an observation based on how I feel. The fact that eating this way can also aid in weight loss is a bonus.

I like to exercise, but I hate to kill myself with cardio and was actually sacrificing form during weight lifting on many exercises because I was trying to be fucking SuperWoman. I toned down the cardio and started doing only what I really enjoy doing, and I lowered the weight on certain exercises and have started honing in on proper form. I also traded one cardio session per week for power yoga (which I LOVE!). I am one creaky, tight chick. At least one day of yoga per week is here to stay. Not only to keep myself bendable, but also for stress and anxiety relief. SO NECESSARY. Why'd I overlook it before?

I liked most of the foods I was eating before. I'm back to eating some of my old standbys from the dieting days because they really are delicious! Pumpkin oat bars, big salads with lean protein, protein bars, fruit and yogurt, tuna sandwiches, omelets... only this time I'm not crazy with measurements and calories. I NEED carbs but I also NEED protein. Eating a carb-only meal really screws me up mentally. Again, purposely balancing my meals has little to do with weight... it's all about how it makes me feel. It's a really nice shift in thinking. Imagine saying no to that candy bar because you know you'll either be passed out on the couch an hour later or reaching for another candy bar when the sugar surge dies down! How refreshing.

Despite what many of the books I read encourage, it's almost impossible for me to not pack food for the day during the work week. Some books suggest that you try not to pre-determine what you'll eat before you're hungry, to instead drop what you're doing when you get hungry and go get or prepare what it is you are hungry for. NOT AT ALL PRACTICAL for me, at least not 95% of the time. Packing snacks and meals is best. And if it turns out that I don't want what I packed, I don't have to eat it. Simple as that.

Once again, as fucking ALWAYS, it all comes down to finding a balance. I encourage everyone to experiment with their hunger and their preferences and maybe do some reading. Cut yourself a break. Be good to yourself. Oh, and guess what? No one else gives a shit about your weight. For the most part people are oblivious to your pant size. I think it's true that the people who judge you based on your weight are the people who have issues with their own weight. I gained probably 10 or 12 pounds since non-dieting, and the worst anyone has said to me was "Sara? Are... are your boobs growing?" That, and D grabs my ass a lot more now. Probably because there's more of it to grab. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. :)

2007-11-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

Me (red cross shirt), my mom (aka Grammy) and Ethan. Insanity.

I married a worm (D at my mom's wedding this past weekend.)

Penis Cake!

2007-11-26T14:42:00.000-08:00

It even had a ridge! Just like the real penises we have all come to know and love!
'Twas hard work, this penis cake.
See the veins? Wait, where are you going?
THE PROUD BAKERS, me and my sista Emily

Mmm. Behold, the penis cake! Because I am very very mature! Carefully formulated flesh-colored icing, precisely piped veins, soft strawberry innards complete with creamy white (uh, white chocolate pudding) filling. Soooo good. What shall we bake next? Heh, a boobie cake. Boobs!

Wine + Baking = Vagina Cake

2007-11-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

These pictures are from last month when we went to visit my family in Texas. My sister Emily and I decided to bake a raspberry layer cake while we sipped (ahem, chugged) Merlot, and as we slathered on the icing one of us decided that what the cake really needed was a vagina. It was so very very delicious, that vagina cake we made. It made all the men in the house blush, and after I exclaimed This vagina is DELICIOUS! for the fifth time, my mom's fiance couldn't take it anymore and had to go upstairs. Hilarious! We're going back next week for Thanksgiving. Maybe we will make a penis cake to even the score. I'm not sure a penis cake could ever be as tasty as a vagina one.

Isn't Ethan a DOLL? I mean, yes, I am his mother, but admit it... he's adorable. People often mistake him for a girl because I can't bring myself to cut those curls again. I don't care. His hair is golden and fine and soft and shiny and always smells great. I don't care if he looks like a homeless boy, like an orphan who has no mother to cut his hair for him. I LIKE IT. What do you expect from a mother who bakes cakes with great big icing vaginas on them? I promise not to go all Kate Hudson on him, though. Even I have my limits, believe it or not.

I do believe that in almost every picture of myself that I post on this blog I am wearing that same damn green t-shirt. It's a threadless.com tee, and on it is a cherry saying fairy, a pear saying care, an apple saying chapel, a grape saying escape, a banana saying montana, and at the very end is an orange crying a stream of tears. Why? You would not believe how many people do not understand this shirt. BECAUSE NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE, people. And that makes the orange very sad. (Poor orange.)

The non-diet. I am still non-dieting. I can't believe I am still non-dieting. Not only that, but I've been non-dieting for nearly 2 months and have only had a panic attack over it once. About two weeks ago I decided that this was ridiculous, absolutely absurd. I need structure! I am not eating any fruit! I'm not eating very many vegetables! I cannot go on this way! And then I went to bed and woke up and ate what I wanted for breakfast, and decided that I was never, ever, ever going back to dieting again. It was just a thought, a minor freak-out, and it lasted about 30 minutes. Other than that things have been great. I'm doing other things, like working and thinking about work instead of working and thinking about eating like I used to. I read a book and let time slip away instead of reading a book and watching the clock for my next carefully timed meal. My grocery cart is looking interesting these days, with an even mix of the good and the bad. I'm finally to the point where I am not afraid of any food. Anything and everything can be consumed in moderation. I really believe that! And if I want crackers and cheese or a bowl of cereal for dinner, then that's what I have. IT IS PURE HEAVEN, this non-diet diet.

D and I had a conversation the other day about how bad my diet-binge-diet-binge cycle really was. It was bad. My husband has never known a Sara that eats what she wants. Quite frankly I haven't either. I'd been struggling with this long before he met me (long before meaning for my entire life). He knew 2 different Saras: one that would snap after eating one cookie and spend the rest of the day piling food into her mouth at the speed of light before she had to diet (punish herself) again the next day (which would often leave me feeling so full at the end of the night that I would be too sick to spend quality time with my husband), and the Sara that would carefully and miserably plan and time and measure her authorized food, deprive herself, and put herself down. Both Saras revolved everything around the size of their ass. Both Saras were bitchy and bitter and unhappy. So now this new Sara emerges, this Sara-in-the-making, and I'm so very glad to meet her. My husband is, too. It's great to be able to cook together and eat together. I like getting hungry because it is a sign of life, of living. I didn't realize before how much being hungry scared me. The tiniest rumble of my tummy would send me into this weird panic, and I don't know why. I believe it has something to do with the feeling of never having enough. So when you finally have enough, when you can finally eat 1 chocolate kiss and truly not want another one because 1 was enough (I had to check myself for fever when that happened. I actually grabbed a couple of kisses, ate one and put the rest back because that one single chocolate kiss was all I needed. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.), it leaves room and time and interest in other non-food/diet/body related things. I notice changes in myself every day. Stopping eating before I am full is finally becoming natural, it's finally starting to take much less effort. When I get hungry I really try to tune into my body to see what I truly want to eat. I can't remember the last time I ate something because I thought I should. The struggle is gone. The desire and drive to binge has vanished completely. The last 6 weeks have been scary and unfamiliar and new and wonderful and freeing and completely necessary and, in a nutshell, the last 6 weeks have been the key to the first day of the rest of my life, if that makes any sense at all.

Sat-ur-day...

2007-11-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

I did our grocery shopping at Whole Foods today for the very first time ever. I usually buy a few items from Whole Foods and do the majority of the shopping at Super Target or Wal-Mart. Today I convinced myself that it wouldn't be that much more expensive, especially when armed with a half-assed grocery list and a very general idea of things we would need for a week's worth of food.

I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. The damage: $101.73. We budget $100/week for groceries, is that excessive? Be honest, is it? We're a family of 3. And that includes things like toilet paper and diapers and deodorant. Whatev, I think $100 is right on, give or take, ya know? On the menu this week: Kashi lemongrass coconut chicken (a frozen meal, yes, but it looked goooooooooood and cost me almost FOUR DOLLARS, and FOUR DOLLARS is delicious, right?), bacon, egg and cheese breakfast burritos made with cage free eggs (happy chickens taste better!) and uncured, center cut smokehouse bacon, baked chicken with "all natural" roasted chicken gravy and olive oil and garlic roasted red potatoes (add a side salad for me, please), high-fiber, high-protein spaghetti with lean ground round and Napa Valley Cabernet marinara made with plum tomatoes and extra virgin olive oil (it's true, I could have just said spaghetti, but doesn't that sound so much better, almost virtuous?), and buffalo burgers on wheat buns with salt and pepper crinkle-cut fries. Oh, and I got an uncured pepperoni pizza for my husband. I'm sure he will just LOVE IT. He'll probably take one bite, make a sour face and declare that this pizza needs nitrates, dammit!

I just googled pepperoni and uncured and nitrates and came across this site. Interesting! Because you're too lazy to make a sandwich, heh. *yawn*

We took Ethan to see Bee Movie tonight. Well, this afternoon... the movie started at ten till 5 p.m. Ethan thew a fit for about 30 seconds about 5 minutes into the movie. For the most part he was amazingly well behaved. He snarfed popcorn (for the love of GAWD, 1 medium diet coke + 1 medium cherry coke + 1 medium popcorn = $14.50? Really? REALLY? Because we rarely go to the movies and that is certainly not going to bring us back for more...) (Oh, and we ate MAYBE 1/3 of the medium popcorn, with Ethan eating the majority. I saw some chicks order a large and it was massive, ginormous, insanely big. OINK FUCKING OINK, AMERICA. Christ.) (Yes, we are Parents O' The Year because we fed our toddler popcorn and soda for dinner one night. PARENTS O' THE YEAR, I say!)

Anyway, my question to you is: Do you cringe when people take their youngins to the movies? It was a pretty good experience but I can't say we'll make a regular habit of taking E to the movies. Our next one will probably be in another year or so, unless a straight-up kid-friendly movie comes out sometime soon. But I mentioned to D on our drive to the theater that I used to HATE when parents would bring their annoying little kids to the theater. Now I am THAT PARENT. But E isn't annoying! He's... opinionated. And brilliant. And, and... outspoken. Right? Fuck me.

Gah!

2007-11-03T06:56:00.001-07:00

I have SO MUCH to say but there's just never enough tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. I'm having lots of ah HA! moments that end with well, I have to blog about THAT!, but then time ticks by and I forget and actually feel guilty, because I really want to get all of these thoughts and observations and revelations in writing as they come. I don't get a ton of comments on here, but a few of you have talked about being able to relate to what I'm going through, and some of you WANT to go through what I'm going through but are too afraid or don't quite know where to begin. I was there 1 month ago. I can't believe how much has changed in 1 month.

I'm going out of town for business tomorrow morning, and not once have I felt that old pang of fear and anxiety that my eating is sure to spin out of control. Not once have I considered packing tins of tuna and barfy protein bars to choke down while everyone else enjoys good, wholesome, satisfying food. Not once have I stressed about missing a workout, because I know the world won't end if I go two days without exercising. For the love of God, why couldn't I flip the crazy switch to OFF years ago? I'm trying hard not to sulk about the first two decades of my life having been wasted by dieting, and I have to conclude that I just wasn't ready before. I couldn't wrap my head around anything but 6 small protein and carb balanced meals each day, couldn't fathom going more than a day without working out, because of everything I'd read and heard and sworn as TRUTH for years and years and years. I also didn't see very many Saturday nights that weren't spent binging on all the things I thought I wanted throughout the week but would never actually give myself permission to eat. I ate all those things behind my own back.

The last 8 (maybe even more) Halloweens have ended with me completely sick to my stomach from gorging on all that damn candy. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and EAT it, storing up for when I couldn't eat it, for the times when I wouldn't let myself eat it. This Halloween was completely different. I wasn't excited about the candy. I had 3 fun size treats and then forgot that we even had all that candy in the house. I'll grab a piece every once in awhile, but the candy sits on our counter in a big bowl, unnoticed for the most part. That is nice. A great feeling. That old internal struggle is gone. It's not me vs. the chocolate anymore. We're friends now, actually.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have it completely together. I expect that this will be a long process. The Breaking Free book is broken down into steps that you can take to "break free" from dieting, and I'm taking it one step at a time, one meal at a time. I still overeat sometimes. Last night, on our way home from a long party where the wine flowed nonstop, we decided to do a good old-fashioned drunken fast food run. Taco Bell. I ordered a big burrito and ate the entire thing, and then had a few bites of my husband's leftover gordita. When we got home I ate the remaining four bites from my weeks old carton of Ben & Jerry's, and several pieces of Halloween candy. That sounds like a lot of food and I was pretty full afterwards, but this wasn't a binge. It was different in a lot of ways. True, it was more calories than my body needed. I could have stopped 3/4 of the way through the burrito and been satisfied. I chose to continue snacking. I wasn't eating out of fear that I could never have Taco Bell again. There was no eating behind my own back. I was fully aware of what I was doing. I ate my food calmly, sitting down, not frantically stomping around the kitchen rummaging for the next bingeable. Another difference is that I stopped myself, told myself that hello, I can eat Halloween candy or Taco Bell for breakfast if that's what I really want, so there's no need to eat it all now. I grabbed a bottle of water, brushed my teeth and went to bed. The final and most important difference was that I knew there would be no deprivation tomorrow. No "punishment" for eating too much, no "death by eggwhites". I got up this morning, did some cardio, showered, and then ate a bowl of granola when I got hungry. I'll learn from last night. I'll remember it for next time, if that makes any sense. It makes sense to me.

There are 3 main steps to "breaking free" (I hate saying that, hate typing it, it sounds so touchy-feely and lame, but it's really the only way to put it): eat when you're hungry, eat only what you want (which means that nothing is off-limits), and stop eating when your body has had enough. I've started eating when I am hungry, instead of by the clock. I have that one down. I thought I'd NEVER break that habit. I love eating and then moving on to the next thing, and then being reminded to eat again by my growling belly, not because it's 2 p.m. and time for my cup of cottage cheese and carefully measured tablespoon of peanut butter. Ick. I can't imagine ever going back to that. I've also started eating only what I truly want to eat. This can be tricky but it's fun. Nothing is off limits and I'm sort of rediscovering what foods I love and which I don't. Right now I'm focusing on a sort of mental hunger scale, trying to find the perfect point at which to stop eating. I don't like leaving the table feeling too full, but I don't like to still be hungry, either. I think that the "perfect point" is different for everyone, so I'm exploring that. I'm working on stopping when my body has had enough, instead of when my taste buds have had enough. I think natural weight loss occurs when you get this part down. Of course it's probably going to be the most difficult part of this whole deal, but that's ok. Since I'm not doing this to lose weight, there's no pressure. I just want to feel good and enjoy food.

This all probably sounds incredibly basic to most people, to people who haven't suffered from eating disorders or struggled with their weight. But I'm telling you that for me, for someone who has suffered from multiple eating disorders and has struggled with her weight her entire life, this is necessary. It's therapy. It's self-discovery. I'm enjoying the journey very much. I feel like myself again. I'm happier all around. I haven't binged in 1 month. THAT is amazing.

Above all of this, above everything I have said here, the absolute most important thing to work on and to remember is that your self-worth, your success and happiness in life, they are not determined by your weight or your body fat percentage or your clothing size. I had to make peace with my body, every last inch of it, even the jiggly bits and saggy bits and dimpled bits, to get my head in gear and not be miserable anymore. That has been an ongoing process and I still have fat days, I'll probably always have fat days. But I get over it and I don't let those days drive me to start planning yet another diet. Instead I'll paint my toes or go for a walk or read and sip a cup of coffee or take a nap. It's all about self love and taking care of yourself.

Mmm...

2007-10-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

I must share with you my re-creation of the Whole Foods turkey & brie panini. I made it for lunch today and it was gooooooooooooooood. And easy. Behold:

2 slices bread of choice, WF uses thick focaccia but I used hi-fiber whole wheat (it's what I had on hand)
a few thick slices of brie (cut off the rind, duh)
raspberry or fig preserves (I used Smuckers all-fruit raspberry)
a few slices of turkey breast (from the deli, not that pre-packaged crap, sorry Oscar Meyer! I used sun-dried tomato turkey breast, yum)
a handful of mixed greens
butter (I like Smart Balance Light with flax oil... it's spreadable and really tasty and good for you)

Well, this is pretty self-explanatory, but whatev:

Heat a nonstick skillet on medium-high heat. Spread one side of both slices of bread with butter. Spread the other side of one slice with preserves. Put that slice of bread butter-side-down in the skillet. Layer with turkey, brie, and mixed greens. Place the other slice of bread on top, butter-side-up. Cook a few minutes and then flip, until bread has reached your desired shade of golden brown. Transport to a serving plate, cut in half*, and enjoy. Muah!

*It is important to cut the sandwich in half, because you get to see all the gooey brie melt down the sides of the bread and the layers look pretty. Pretty layers! Yay!

2007-10-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

Indeed.

::

Today my coworker and good friend, the only other female that I work with, asked if my boobs had gotten bigger. Yup, I replied, along with everything else on my body. I've gained a few pounds. She asked if I was going to end up freaking out like the last time I had decided to give up dieting, and I said that nope, this was it. If being a size 10 means getting to have a grilled cheese sandwich with specialty cheese and real butter for dinner, along with a glass of wine (or three), then it's totally worth it. I told her I couldn't go back. It's not that I just don't WANT to go back; I am simply physically incapable of dieting ever again. I have used up all my dieting willpower in this lifetime. I've eaten more than my fair share of cottage cheese and whey protein powder, pushed myself through excruciating and unenjoyable cardio sessions and just said NO to my favorite foods fifteen too many times. I AM DONE. I'm quite surprised, actually. Usually by this point, at the point where my pants are tight and I think the world is about to end because I've gone up a size, I decide that dieting is the ONLY way to live and I proceed to plan out my next one. Not this time. I think the difference between all those other times and this one is that this time I am truly, truly allowing myself to have whatever the hell I want when I am hungry. Before it was more like well, ok, have some cookies, but no ice cream! Think of the fat and the calories! You'll be a whale by dinnertime! Non-dieting only works when you give yourself full permission to eat whatever your heart desires. This is a struggle every single day, as I am armed (cursed?) with an internal calorie and nutrition calculator that automatically recites the macro nutrient percentages for any given food. What do you expect after nearly 20 years of dieting? It's hard to silence that voice but I'm doing my best. If I eat a salad when I really want a slice of pizza, chances are that I will eat the salad and then eventually have the pizza, too. What if I had just started with the freaking pizza? I would have probably been totally satisfied from the beginning and moved on with my day, with my life. Gone are the days when I putter around the kitchen looking for something more, because I didn't really give myself what I wanted from the start. This is not easy, it's honestly taking some real effort. I'm also constantly having to separate self-worth from clothing size and weight, which is totally INSANE, but I've been living this way for ages, so it's no surprise. Thinking that my career/love life/friendships will be THAT MUCH BETTER when I'm 10 pounds lighter/2 sizes smaller is fucking nuts. When did this start? HOW CAN I FUCKING SAVE A FUTURE GENERATION OF WOMEN FROM WASTING A QUARTER OF THEIR LIFE OBSESSING ABOUT THE SIZE OF THEIR ASS? I just don't know. Is it something that every woman must come to terms with/deal with on her own? Maybe. Because I don't think I would have listened to anyone but that sad little voice in my head before now. It took almost 20 years to get it together, and I STILL don't completely have it together... but I AM getting there. Slowly but surely. And I'm enjoying the journey. Anyway, I'm tickled pink that she commented on my boobs. Oh lucious, glorious boobies-o-mine! Where have you been all this time? If it's grilled cheese sandwiches you crave and full-fat dressing, your wish is my command! Pull up a chair and get comfy, because you're here to stay, AT LAST. If you were any bigger I would kiss you. Muah! MUAH! (I SMELL CRAZY!)

(It smells good.) (Like flowers.) (And grilled gouda on whole wheat.)

(With butta.)

::

We went to Texas last weekend and we lost our dog. He escaped from my mom's back yard the first night we were there. I really can't believe it. As much as I complain about that little fucker he was a part of the family. It's so weird to be home without him. There isn't anyone for Ethan to feed crackers to... there isn't someone waiting at the foot of E's highchair ready to snarf down all the crumbs that fall... no one scratching at the door to let them in... it's so strange. I like to pretend that Bogart has met the chihuahua love of his life and is living out his doggie dreams, but the harsh reality is that he is probably dead on the side of the road, or lost and cold and scared out of his mind. We should have taken better care of him. I wish I would have shown him more love. I wish I would have made time for him each day the same way I make time to work out or do puzzles and color with Ethan. Now he's gone and there is nothing I can do. Shame on me, shame on us. He was a great little dog and I miss him in the worst of ways. It's especially hard when Ethan hollers Bogart, oh Bogart, where are you? Fuck. If you see a fat, flea-infested tan chihuahua prancing down the street, tell him to come home asap. Thanks.

::

Today I went shopping for jeans. After an hour and fifteen minutes I found THE PERFECT pair: a stretchy, washed denim from The Gap, slightly flared at the ankle and fitted through the hip and thigh... PERFECT. I am not lying when I tell you that the skies above opened and a light broke through the clouds, angels rejoiced and I was one with the universe. This perfect pair of jeans? A size 10. How do I feel about that? Fucking fantastic. Have you seen my ass in these jeans? Pass me that grilled cheese, please. And a glass of Merlot. I feel fine. Cheers! (But please don't spill your wine on my new jeans.)

Observations

2007-10-15T17:20:00.001-07:00

I'm in my second week of non-dieting and here are a few things I have noticed:

my pants are tighter and while this is uncomfortable, I'm ok with it. I rationalize that this is the result of, oh my, eating carbs again. I'm sure I've gained a few pounds but I'm avoiding the scale and my stress level is actually at an all-time low. I knew that dieting stressed me out, but I had no idea how much. A certain sense of urgency is gone because I am no longer revolving my life and everything that I do around meal timing and planning and food combining. I'm not a slave to any of it anymore.

the feeling of hunger made me panic at first. Now I'm excited to get hungry because it means that I get to choose whatever I want to eat... and the possibilities are endless! This can be a little overwhelming and scary, though. After YEARS of being told what and when to eat, sometimes I feel lost in a sea of choice and I get cranky if I get too hungry. I'm learning to go with the flow and am trying my best to tune in to what my body really wants and what will satisfy me at that moment. It really does change from day to day and hour to hour. I'm finding the balance between being practical (i.e. bringing snacks to work in anticipation of hunger) but not feeling as though I HAVE to eat any specific thing at any specific time. I get hungry pretty regularly, but I'm trying hard not to eat by the clock (as I have been doing for YEARS) and am doing my best to let my hunger be my guide.

I jiggle a bit more when I'm doing my cardio (which sucks, I cannot lie) but I have more energy than ever to workout, and now it's about health and FEELING good instead of losing weight. Because I'm no longer trying to lose weight, I had to shift my focus in that respect. It's hard to workout when there isn't some immediate goal or instant gratification (smaller clothes, feeling "skinny"), but I feel ten times better when I workout from an energy standpoint and I'm able to lift more/jump higher when I'm running on all 8 (well-fed) cylinders.

it's tough to silence my inner nutrition Nazi... if I want a bowl of cereal with soy milk for breakfast, the first thing that pops into my head is oh, all those carbs! where's the protein? you're going to get sooooooooo fat! but then I tell that voice to suck it, pour a bowl and enjoy my meal. I'm paying very close attention to how different foods make me feel and I can already tell that eventually this will begin to guide my decisions on what to eat. Yes, an afternoon donut might seem like a tasty snack but it's not really worth it if you're in a carb coma thirty minutes later and hungry yet again.

I do not function or feel well on a carb-only meal. I need protein.

Geneen Roth's Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating is what I'm currently reading. I've read it before but I was nowhere near ready to actually "break free" until now. Overcoming Overeating is next on my list. I didn't think that Breaking Free would really apply to me, but thirty pages in and I swear she wrote the book just for me.

Eating what you want is scary after years of dieting. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I miss the convenience of knowing what and when I'll eat. A few times this past week I thought fuck this, I'm going back to dieting but I know what will happen if I do. I'll start out strong and after about 2 days you'd find me holding an ice cream truck hostage. I can't go back, and I won't.

Surprisingly, most of the time I don't want to eat crap. For dinner I had a big salad with spinach, red pepper, tomato, a little cheddar cheese, some fajita-seasoned chicken that I cooked over the weekend, some organic jalapeno-laced refried black beans and light ranch dressing. It was absolutely delicious. I crave mostly healthy foods and spreading unmeasured almond butter on a whole wheat english muffin in the morning is most liberating. Having some cream in my coffee is heaven. Knowing that if I get hungry I can eat is the very best feeling. It's true: when you know you can have whatever you want whenever you are hungry, you don't need to eat it all now. It's a very strange feeling to eat something most would deem "bad" (ice cream, cookies, pie) and not feel an ounce of guilt, and to know that I don't have to starve myself the next meal or the next day. It's a very strange and wonderful feeling indeed.

I'm starting to look to kitchen goddesses like Rachael Ray (don't laugh, hear me out, I know she's as annoying as a mosquito flying around your ear when you're trying to sleep) and Nigella Lawson (who is just plain delicious, yum) for inspiration. Real, curvy women who love life and good food. For lunch today I had a panini from Whole Foods: turkey, brie, mixed greens and fig chutney on focaccia bread. Divine. For the last several months I have eaten my bland mini-meals dreaming of the next one, counting down the minutes until I "get to" have another helping of cottage cheese and carrot sticks or a scoop of whey protein mixed with water (talk about gourmet!). You're damn skippy that after that panini today I didn't think about food much until I was actually hungry again. It's nice to think about things other than food. I knew I was preoccupied with food before, but I never really realized how much until now. With all the energy and brain power I put into meal planning and calorie counting throughout the years I swear I could have developed a cure for cancer or cloned my dog using some twine and a cheap lighter. What a waste.

Non-dieting, to me anyway, does not mean eat whatever you want whenever you want it... it means eat whatever you want when you are hungry. I have overeaten a few times since swearing off dieting, but that's to be expected from time to time. I'm confident that soon I'll recognize my perfect fullness/satisfaction point and stop eating accordingly. For the first time in my life I am able to wrap up food I can't finish and save it for later... I'm no longer a member of the clean-your-plate club.

I have a little money set aside for a well-deserved shopping spree. I vow to only buy clothes that look good, fit well and make me feel like a million bucks. No sulking over the size, no poking and prodding at my ample thighs... confidence, baby, that's where it's at. I am no longer going to put off shopping until I lose ten pounds, or whatever. I'd rather look hot in a size 8 or 10 or even a 12 (!!!) and be able to eat dessert than look miserable and ho-hum at a size 6 or 4 while I resent everyone around me for eating fucking dessert. My gawd, why couldn't I have come to my senses over this ages ago? It's my mission to change the world and the way women live their lives. Not everyone is as batshit crazy as I am, but I'm sure I'm not the only fruitloop in the box, am I right? Ladies? Put some full-fat ranch on your salad. Have that slice of cheesecake. Then go for a walk and kiss your loved ones and dance around your house in your underwear. Life is good.

This is going to be a long process but I can already tell that it's going to be SO FREAKING WORTH IT. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be happy. Happy and healthy. My smile is already a million times wider and brighter than before. My mood is much more pleasant. I like myself better when I'm not dieting. I suspect everyone else does, too. Who knew that you could love life and have cellulite?

Reflections

2007-10-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

Reflections? Come on, right? Really, though. I'm not kidding. Guess what I realized this week? Guess what finally occured to me? That just because I've acted a certain way all of my life, for as long as I can remember, does NOT mean that I have to be that way forever. No shit! Who knew?

I don't really know where to start. I think I need a little bit more time. The thing is, I sometimes talk about having suffered from an eating disorder years ago. That's true. It was bad. But the truth? The hard, cold truth? Is that I've suffered from an eating disorder ALL my life. There was a brief period in middle school when I think my relationship with food and my body were fairly decent, on speaking terms anyway, but that didn't last very long. All of my life I have either eaten too much to numb out, eaten too little to feel in control, binged when I felt out of control, counted calories to distract myself from my real problems... and I no longer count cellulite or my post-baby pooch as a real problem. Not anymore. This is something new, something very unfamiliar to me. It's scary. But I SIMPLY.DO NOT.HAVE IT IN ME.TO DIET.ONE.MORE.SECOND.OF.THIS.LIFE.

Too all my peeps: would you still love me if I were 5 pounds heavier? 10? 20 pounds heavier? How about 10 pounds lighter. Anyone who matters will answer yes, yes, yes, yes! Of course you silly wench! THAT IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU ALL ALONG!

Oh.

Dieting has been my hobby for nearly 20 years. I'm only 27. How very, very sad. So much time wasted. So much energy spent planning my next diet or planning my next "challenge". Telling myself that I'll take that class/decorate the house/get a raise/be a better mom/be HAPPY when I'm 5, 10, 15 pounds lighter, like LIVING doesn't really start until I'm a size 6 or less.

The cycle as of late has been: diet. Binge. diet. Binge more. diet (gagging down my egg white omelet at this point). Binge until I pass out in a literal carb coma. The red flag? The binging. I'm telling you, when I binge I am not in control. Nothing can stop me. Something is not right when I feel free only while shoveling cheese puffs into my mouth at the speed of light, behind my own back. Something is wrong when I am on my fourth bowl of cereal and I don't even taste it because I'm thinking about what I get to eat next. Better eat it now before tomorrow comes and egg whites it is!

So. I'm working on it. I might gain some weight. I'm ok with that. I might lose some weight, if it stops my binging dead in it's tracks. I might stay right where I'm at. Weight is no longer the issue. I'll probably always want thinner thighs. I'm a woman, a woman who lives in a cruel and ridiculous society where Britney Spears pumping gas makes headline news and t.v. commercials alternate between the latest diet drug and the latest double-triple-McWhopper combo meal at your nearest fast food joint. What a clusterfuck.

I'm out.

Revelation

2007-10-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled upon 2 of the most wonderful blogs in existence: Size Ate and Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder.

I want to cry. I also want to eat whateverthehellIwant next time I get hungry. I won't, though.

Baby steps. I have a looooooooooong way to go.

I'm three doors down from crazy. I'm out of my fucking mind.

I have some reading to do.

Wednesday...

2007-10-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

We returned our DVR today and I don't really miss it. It wasn't as painful and dramatic as I thought it would be. We also downgraded to the lowest non-dial up internet speed (does anyone even have dial up anymore?) and I don't notice a difference AT ALL. The total savings will be something like $75 a month, and that's pretty significant in my book.

Oh, and I have a confession. I finally watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy and DEAR GAWD, I am DONE with that show. What a fluke! Hot redhead is gone and the writers are just trying too hard, barely keeping their head above water with this total bullshit. The Office is all I really look forward to anymore, and LA Ink. That's all I got. Am I missing something? Is there some phenomenal show on that I don't know about? T.v. sucks. That's right, I said it. Without Showtime there is hardly any reason at all to watch. The Office must be the last great show on television. I will cherish it and hold it dear and pet it and sing to it and call it Fred. If it goes sour I just might kill myself. Or read, or something.

::

Life is expensive. We now have 3 car payments and full coverage on 3 vehicles. I do believe that gouging my eyeballs out and making an eyeball stew, and then EATING my own eyeballs in said stew would be more pleasant than forking over the hefty wad of cash that we now have to pay each month. Insurance, or in case shit happens, as Chris Rock so cleverly put it, is INSANE. To think that I'm on the preferred driver list is horrifying. What are all these other shmucks paying? Am I the shmuck? WHO HAS THE LOWEST RATES? No one. Everyone is money hungry and blood thirsty and they are out to RUIN YOUR LIFE. We can't go out anymore and there will be no more venti 3-splenda brewed coffees from Starbucks for me, no more weekday beer binges for D, no more "just because" toys for Ethan, but we're covered! For the love of gawd, we are COVERED.

(Deep breaths, deep breaths...)

::

My nose piercing is doing marvelous, thanks for asking. I have to check to make sure it's still in every freaking hour because I can't feel it at all. It's not sore anymore and, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't feel like I have a huge booger in my nose. My wee stud just sits there, shiny and pretty, jazzing up my nose like it's supposed to. I really dig it. Good stuff.

::

D is working late and E is in bed, and normally I would use the free time to workout, but I am SO.FUCKING.SORE. today from my leg workout yesterday that I had to make today my rest day. I hurt in all the right places, in my quads and glutes and hamstrings, in my abs (yowza!), and even in my neck, back, shoulders and forearms. My upper body hurts from hoisting a heavy barbell onto my shoulders every 5 minutes, and my forearms are killing me from deadlifts. I can manage a decent weight for deadlifts, but my grip strength is not up to par. When you do eighteen million hundred thousand trillion deadlifts with varying rep patterns, it starts to burn. So, in conclusion, this lower body workout rocks. I can't wait to do it again on Saturday. *sob*

::

I'm in need of some new menu ideas. To all you mini-mealers out there, what are you eating? Gimme your favorite meal-o-the-mo'. And thank you kindly!

Sacrifice...

2007-10-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa* Tomorrow we are returning our DVR and therefore giving up Showtime, which means no more Dexter or Weeds or Californication. Well, until they come out on dvd, anyway. Which will be in like a yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear or something ridiculous. We're giving up the digital cable so that we can more easily afford D's new truck. Dammit, life. Fucking life. I know I'm being whiny and ridiculous. Downgrading cable (and internet speed, oh my) will give me more free time in the evenings to do... yoga. Read. Pet the dog. I'll be down to only 1 show that has me by the balls, The Office. And Grey's Anatomy. But that's it! 2 shows, down from 5. That's pretty good. A heavier wallet and more free time. I guess it's not all bad. I'm a greedy, selfish whore. Shame on me.

::

I got my nose pierced. Yeah, a tiny silver stud on the left side. It looks rad. I think I have the perfect nose for it. Having a little bling-bling going on there certainly downplays the odd shape and disproportionate size of my shnaz. It's subtle enough to let slide at work, but just hip enough to turn a few heads and possibly score E some "cool parent" points when he gets a bit older. Word. To your motha.

::

Ok, well... I'm off to eat my new FAVORITE meal-o-the-mo': a cup of plain yogurt mixed with 1/2 scoop of berry blast protein powder, splenda and a cup of frozen mango chunks. Good gawd in yum-ville! Totally delish.

Home Sick

2007-09-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

I'm home sick today and bored out of my mind. What is UP with daytime television? Is Rock Of Love really as good as it gets? Oh the shame!

I got in and out of both the doctor's office and the pharmacy relatively quickly this morning, which was a nice change. I came prepared this time, without an energetic toddler in tow and with a book to keep me occupied. Of course, of course!, the one time that I wouldn't have minded a longer wait I am in and out, just like that. OF COURSE.

::

Currently I am reading Get Your Own Damn Beer, I'm Watching the Game!, and much much MUCH to my (and D's!) surprise I am digging football. I've never bothered to really watch it before, never tried to fully understand the principles and rules behind it. 34 pages in and I am fascinated. I'm hooked! I can't wait for a game to come on so I can put my knowledge to the test. Football is more than a bunch of guys in tights and helmets running around, slapping each other's butts and grunting. Who knew? D is elated.

::

Ethan is speaking in friggin' paragraphs now, he's totally writing novels. Last night while we were reading a bedtime story he pointed to a sheep and said, Look, there is a sheep! plain as flippin' day. He also likes to say Come on, come on, hurry, hurry, let's go Mommy! He has also learned how to say marshmallow, but only because we introduced him to marshmallow fluff. What a mistake that was. His dining requests these days are simple: cheetos and marshmallow fluff, please. Oh, with a sippy full of chocolate milk if it's not too much trouble, kind mother-o-mine!

::

Sara L. wrote a blog entry about motivation. It got me thinking about what motivates me to work out the consistent 5 or 6 days a week that I do. I guess I'm to the point now where I know I'll feel worse if I don't work out. Some days I'd rather eat a dog turd than do interval training, but then what? Then I end up feeling like a lazy, tired slob, and I always regret not doing it. And I never regret pushing myself to JUST DO IT. Skwigg wrote a post awhile back about how exercises is just a regular part of her day. There is no debate, no will I or won't I?, no to work out or not to work out? There is no question, it's just a part of her day, as regular as brushing her teeth. The same goes for me. My husband and I have worked out a schedule that assumes I will work out 6 days each week. He knows that on Tuesdays and Fridays I'll lift weights, and on most other days I will do cardio. He's great about watching E while I do this. He sees that working out makes me happy, it's my stress relief. I get cranky if I don't get to work out. And we don't want Sara to be cranky! (Heh.)

Frankly I don't see how or why anyone would NOT want to work out. Why not make time to take care of your body, to push yourself, to build strong muscles and protect your bones and add years to your life? It doesn't even have to be interval training, or heavy weightlifting (though I HIGHLY encourage heavy weightlifting, I could go on and on and on, but that's a whole other post)... it can be a simple 30 minute walk, or even 3 ten minute walks throughout the day. It could be running up and down the stairs for 10 minutes at your office during lunchtime, or yoga in the evenings. The bottom line is that it feels great to move your body, to set a goal and reach it. Improved body composition is a bonus. The high that I get from HIIT cardio and the muscle pump and rush of endorphins that I get from weights are enough to keep me going. You use it or you lose it, it's true. And you're not getting any younger! (Gasp!)

Sunday...

2007-09-23T11:22:00.001-07:00

Today is our 2-year wedding anniversary. 2 years! We've been together since June 2003. Bought a car and moved in together at the end of 2003. Got engaged near the end of 2004. Married in September 2005. Had Ethan in December 2005 (yes, I was a most radiant bridezilla at 6 1/2 months pregnant, every little girl's dream). (My wedding dress was purple.) (Should have worn a stark-white dress, muahaha, hahaha, hahahaHA!) (Ahem.) It's been a bumpy ride, these last 4 1/2 years, with a whole lotta ups and downs. But that's to be expected, I think. Adjusting to marriage and a child and moving to Louisiana has taken it's toll, but it has also brought us closer together than ever before. Happy Anniversary, baby! We're quite the team. Please put your dishes IN THE DISHWASHER. I love you!

::

Last night we went and saw Superbad. It was super awesome. I'm not kidding... it's been a long time since I've seen a movie that didn't suck at least a little bit. A loooooooooooooooong time. I'll even declare that it was pure comedic genius. Two mordantly conceited thumbs up. (What the frick does that mean, anyway?)

::

I'm finally feeling like myself again with nutrition and exercise. I had a bit of a pity party carbfest on Wednesday night and all day Thursday, and Friday I slapped myself hard across the face and vowed to GET WITH IT already. It feels good to be back on track and kicking ass once again.

This coming week will be the last week in my 4 weeks of Muscle Max (say that five times fast). I'll then move on to 4 weeks of Leaner Legs and CTX Upper Body. Leaner Legs is especially hard and painful, so naturally I'm really looking forward to it. It's more moderate weight and higher-rep than Muscle Max, and not a second is wasted as you go from squats immediately into deadlifts followed by calf raises and then to lunges... you get the idea. Active recovery, hahaha, minus the recovery part. It's rad.

As for food I'm still doing Precision Nutrition, but I had gotten to the point where I was being super clean and strict all week, which naturally led to a 10% meal of massive and frightening proportions on the weekend. I'm getting away from that and focusing on following the program as written: 90% compliance, or 4 cheat meals per week. Cheat 1 was last night, when I had 1 1/2 buttered rolls with my salad at dinner. I also probably had too much diet soda, but come on, it's diet soda. Cheat 2 will be on Tuesday, when we celebrate a birthday at work with carrot cake (my fave-o!). I'm feeling good and am laying off the booze, because I'm finally admitting to myself that I am incapable of drinking and keeping food in check at the same time. As much as I love my wine, having a glass (which always turns into 1/2 a bottle at least) leads to me munching on crap like there's no tomorrow. I'll work on becoming a carrot-eating drunk in a few weeks time, but for now it's best to go cold turkey.

::

Today I did laundry, worked out, made a batch of Precision Nutrition post-workout peanut butter banana bars, cleaned the bathroom and swept/mopped the entire house. For I am super mom, super wife, super Sara... I'm SUPERBAD. Word.

Advice...

2007-09-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, let's say your wife has had a little too much to drink and is trying to go to sleep without first having to worship the porcelain gods. The one thing that you absolutely should NOT do is EAT CRACKLINS (fucking fried pork skin, ya'll, I mean that's enough to make me barf without having the alcohol-induced spins) AND SMACK THEIR GREASY DISGUSTINGNESS IN HER EAR. The last thing I remember from last night is me pleading with D to please, please stop eating those right this minute... but it was too late.

Back & Forth

2007-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

I almost hate to admit this, but I'm starting to think that there might be more to life than having the perfect body. (Gasp!) Is that true? No, no... I'm not going to start calling a bowl of cheetos with a side of dr. pepper a healthy breakfast, but I am letting some things back into my diet that I wasn't letting myself have before: aspartame-sweetened diet soda (think Diet Pepsi Max, the occasional Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Barq's rootbeer) in addition to my beloved Splenda-sweetened Diet Rite. Also, fruit. Yes, fruit. I had pretty much eliminated it for several weeks. Today there are frozen, unsweetened cherries and mango chunks in my freezer (thank you, Dole!), strawberries in my fridge and bananas on the counter. Take that, eating disorder! HAVE A FUCKING BANANA ALREADY!

I go back and forth with wanting to be super strict in order to get that "cut" look I so desire, and then I'll have days where I think frickin' frick, what's the point, I'm a coooooooooooow! I know that both of these thoughts are totally ridiculous. They're extremes. I KNOW that I am not the type of person who can eat chicken and broccoli day after day, I can't go 4 or 5 days without some sort of "cheat" meal, I can't do 60+ minutes of cardio a day. Yes, I would LOVE to look like those fitness models on the cover of Oxygen, and I have the knowledge to get there, but right now I just don't have the drive and determination and time to do what it takes. And shit, that's ok! And the thing about me being a cow and feeling down on myself, well... that's part being female, part body image issues, and I think we all have those days.

My point is that I *know* I am a fit and healthy woman, and I always will be. There will never be a time when I'll get hungry and reach for chips or a candy bar and call it a meal. I thought about that today while driving home from the grocery store, after examining the contents of other people's carts. I'm proud of the healthy habits I've developed over the years. I'm proud of my commitment to exercise and taking the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. I like eating 8+ servings of fruits and veggies each day. But I still have a belly. I have cellulite on the backs of my thighs. There are stretchmarks on the backs of my arms and on my breasts. I'll never be perfect. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting to have the perfect body to really live life. And since I'll never have the perfect body, life is passing me by. D mentioned that the Smashing Pumpkins are playing Voodoo Music Fest. The first thing that popped into my head was we can't go because it'll wreck my diet! THAT AIN'T RIGHT. I really need to shift my focus. I'm bound to go crazy if I don't. I'm trying. It's hard. Hang in there, I know.

::

The night before last D and I swore that we wouldn't let Ethan come into our bed again. Of course Ethan woke up crying at around 2 a.m., and the first part of the plan was to go in and make sure he was ok, but then to give him a kiss and tell him to go to sleep and that I'd see him in the morning instead of scooping him up and bringing him to sleep with us like I had been doing. I braced myself for some major heartbreak as I headed to his room to tell him that it just wasn't happening tonight, he needed to sleep in his own bed, and when I approached his crib I saw that he'd taken off his pants and his diaper and had peed all over his crib. Fabulous. Oh for the love of Pete. I put a clean diaper on him and took him to bed with us. Hey, it was either that or turn on the light and change the sheets and make everyone miserable! He totally did that on purpose.

So last night we jammied him up in a onesie so he couldn't undress himself, and when he woke up crying "My mommy, my mommy!" at 2 a.m. as expected, we executed the plan like pros. I got up and hugged Ethan on the couch in his room for a few minutes and sang him some songs. Do you know what he did after that? He sat up and said "Come on, mommy. Let's go... bed. Come on, mommy..." and he did an exaggerated come here motion with his little arm... and said it again. "Come on, mommy. Let's go... bed." Fuck. I said "No, baby. Not tonight. You need to sleep in your bed. You need to go night-night in Ethan's bed." And he said "No!" and I said "Yes!" and he cried and I put him back in his crib and left the room. He was pretty pissed. How dare I! Then, 30 minutes later when he was still crying I nudged Drew to get up, it was his turn to go in there, and Drew turned over and put his pillow over his head. When I nudged him again he cursed for like 3 minutes straight and I think he actually growled, too. After another 5 or 10 minutes of listening to E cry he hit his pillow and cursed and growled again and finally got up and went to E's room to tell him to shut the hell up, but in a nice way. 15 minutes later everyone was asleep again, E in his crib THANK GAWD. The plan, it worked! And it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it'd be. We'll see what happens tonight, oh I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frick.

2007-09-11T17:36:00.001-07:00

It's time to get Ethan a big boy bed.

Waaaaaa!

I am drowning in a sea of tears. Where did my baby go? WHERE OH WHERE?

Also: potty training, thinking about. Frick.

Frick!

The last few nights Ethan has cried a wailing, pitiful howl every time we put him to bed. Last night I had about had it and started bawling myself. I didn't want to go in his room to comfort him, because that always makes it worse since you eventually have to put him back in his crib and leave the room. It floors me how he always seems so shocked that we're putting him back to bed... what the... mother! You! Woman! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, tucking me in to my safe, secure, soft crib like this!? Child abuse! SOMEBODY CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! He cries like his feelings are genuinely hurt, like we've broken his little heart. It's the same reaction I imagine I'd have if somebody told me that my favorite slimming, ultra-flattering jeans made my ass look huge. Psh.

Anyway! So last night Drew finally went in to "comfort" him. He'd been crying off and on for over 30 brutal minutes. For some reason D took him into the hallway, where Ethan promptly pointed in the direction of our dark bedroom and said There, there... there! Intrigued, D took Ethan into our room, where he immediately dove onto our bed and passed out. We weren't even in bed yet, we were still watching t.v. in the living room. Drew scratched his head, left the room and closed the door behind him. Not a peep. Not one sound! He was out cold. It was the most bizarre thing eva. Very rarely I'll take Ethan in our bed to sleep with us if he repeatedly cries out in the middle of the night, but that happens maybe once every 3 months. I don't understand the new allure of our bed, especially since we weren't even in it. Over the weekend we upgraded from a queen to a king. Maybe E decided that, heh, why sleep at the Motel 6 when you can stay at the Marriott? The little bugger knew exactly what he was doing. I told this story to 3 people today and each one of them laughed and said boy, he's got y'all wrapped around his finger! BREAK THIS HABIT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

So, tonight we showed him just who wears the pants in this relationship. That would be....... us! The PARENTS. He stopped crying about 5 minutes ago (knock on wood) and is now asleep in his crib. It's time for a big boy bed, which is my very worst nightmare, because I like him IN A CAGE. I guess I need to accept that he can't sleep in a crib until he's 6, we can't just keep buying bigger cribs to hold him... how very unfortunate. *sigh*

::

I've been marvelously right on with nutrition and training since Sunday. I'm feeling great! I ate enough asparagus the last 3 days to clear my post-hogfest bloat, so things are lookin' good. My new plan includes more "10%" meals, just with less food at each. I'll be able to hang on to what little sanity I have left by having 3 or 4 planned cheat meals each week instead of 1 or 2 ginormous, record-breaking ones.

::

Alright, off to watch Californication and LA Ink while eating a serving of Amyella's crustless meat pizza. The house is clean, dishes are done, laundry in the dryer, the tot is asleep in his cage... life is good.

My Ass, Now (back) in Gear...

2007-09-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I ate so much junk Friday night and all day yesterday that I couldn't wait to wake up this morning and eat an eggwhite omelet. I do believe that yesterday was spent simply eating all the things I don't normally let myself have. Ethan's half-eaten nutrigrain bar... a bag of hot wing/blue cheese flavored doritos... pasta at a restaurant... strawberry whoppers. 95% of the crap I ate wasn't all that great. I was actually kind of disappointed. I've become quite the food snob. And. AND! My body can't handle it. I had the most offensive gas in all the history of farting yesterday, you would not believe it. When my husband stops high-fiving me over letting one rip and instead runs for cover, you know it's bad. Anyway, I'm quite the bloated whale today but that will pass with a few days of clean eats.

I entered the official PN challenge when it began several weeks ago and I think I'm getting back in gear just in time to finish out the last 2 months of the challenge with a bang. I have every intention of displaying some amazing before and after photos when the challenge comes to a close in November. November 5th to be exact, with final photos and stats due back by the 16th. Sweet. I can do a lot in 2 months if I put my mind to it.

I've been on the go most of the day today. I did a ton of laundry (3 loads!), did the Cardio Blast premix from Drill Max, helped D set up our king mattress and load up the old queen, made 2 batches of PN peanut butter fudge anytime bars, ordered this book, ordered a 5 pound tub of Dymatize Elite whey protein powder in Berry Blast flave, packed my meals for tomorrow and made Amyella's crustless meat pizza. I plan to spend the rest of the day reading magazines, sipping green tea and coloring with E. Happy Sunday!

Friday!

2007-09-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

Gah, things are crazy busy at work. I'm now the contracts administrator, general admin, secretary and office manager. We also have 2 new offices that have just one or two people in them, and for some reason I'm their go-to girl for EVERYTHING. The problem is that I don't have any answers to their questions. I pretend to, and I guess I learn new things this way, but damn. I'm taking the art of multitasking to a whole new level. But! Time goes by quickly and I leave each day feeling like I've actually done something useful and I adore the people I work with (most of the time, anyway). I suppose it could be worse, but it could ALWAYS be worse, ya know? That phrase no longer comforts me. Yeah, I could be dead. It's not really anyone's dream to be a CA or an office manager when they grow up, is it? Are young children everywhere aspiring to be administrative assistants? Anxious high school seniors lining up to get their go at contract administration? I think NOT. But. But! I haven't grown up yet so there's still time. THAT IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF LET ME LIE TO MYSELF IN PEACE DO NOT BURST MY SAD LITTLE ADMINISTRATIVE BUBBLE.

::

Since training in Boca my days have been a little unorganized food-wise. I finally broke down today and GAVE myself permission to skip my workout (weights! I skipped weights! I NEVER skip weights!). I never skip workouts. Like, ever. Not even when I'm feverish and my throat is swollen shut. But I've been PNing with enthusiasm for a several months now, and after the pigfest in Boca nearly 2 weeks ago my motivation has dwindled. I finally decided that today through Sunday I'm taking the pressure off. I skipped today's workout (though I WILL work out tomorrow and Sunday) and am eating cheetos and drinking Merlot. I know, it seems like I'm ALWAYS drinking Merlot. Yes. Well. I assure you I'm not. I wish I was! Perhaps an all Merlot diet is in order? No? Ok. Anyway! Monday I'm starting a whole new 12 week "challenge". I agree that a healthy lifestyle is not broken down into 12 week challenges, but for me it sometimes helps to keep my motivation up, plus you can remind yourself that there's a light at the end of the cottage cheese and eggwhite tunnel. I love the foods I eat on PN and how I feel with the meal timing and lower carb meal plan, but sometimes a girl needs to snuggle up with some fast food and booze and be a sloth for a day or two to get back on track. I am not one to let a weekend of trans-fat and alcohol totally derail me for weeks. If anything I'll be more than ready to go come Monday. The point is that I need a few days to not worry about eating veggies and protein at every meal so that I can kick ass more than ever for another 12 weeks. I feel good about that decision and I think the fact that I've written a huge paragraph explaining to the internet that I'M TAKING 3 DAYS OFF FROM MY USUAL ULTRA-HEALTHY EATING reveals just how fucking nutty I am. I'll be back to kicking ass on Monday. That's all there is to it. Do I get a cookie for recognizing that I need a break and actually giving myself one? (Better eat that cookie before Monday!) (That's my problem right there!) (Mmm, cookies.)

::

One last thing: Um, DOG FOR SALE. No, I WILL PAY YOU TO TAKE MY DOG. Here's a brief but accurate description:

Name: Bogart. Male chihuahua, 4 years old. Small build for his breed but fat as fuck. Tan fur, sheds enough to knit a sweater for planet Earth. Runs away when called. Licks up his own urine. Enjoys licking other dog's urine. Occasionally eats his own feces. I'm sure he enjoys other dog's feces as well. Snores. Snores. Snores worse than my smoking, drunk husband. Nips at strangers ankles. Did I mention he slurps up his own piss?

Charming, right? I've toyed with the idea of getting my father-in-law to shoot him and get it over with already. Seriously. He's just a disgusting pain in my ASS, but I can't bring myself to get rid of him. When he's gone I AM SO DONE WITH PETS. Done I say!

Now I feel bad. I'm going to go find Bogart now and pet him. And then I'm going to wash my hands with scolding hot water and undiluted bleach.

The Greatest

2007-09-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard the band Muse then you simply must click over to their site and listen immediately. Now. Go. Hurry! They're on my top 5 greatest bands eva list (number 1 being the Smashing Pumpkins) and when I listen to them on the way to work it makes me want to drive right by my office and go where the road takes me. Which, if I'm literally driving by my office I would likely end up at either Whole Foods or Kinko's, but you get the idea. They rock. (But you've got to say that in a British accent.)

Does This Count As A Post?

2007-09-05T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yum.

::

Everyone needs a list. A list of 5 things you want to do before you die. Things that would take some effort to achieve but aren't impossible. I was inspired by a fabulous woman I met on business in Florida who insisted that everyone needs a list, why didn't I have a list? Her items included driving an eighteen wheeler, if only the length of a supercenter parking lot, and scoring "diamond" seats to watch her favorite baseball team play.

What is on your list? I'm still working on mine...

Watching

2007-09-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

4 reasons to subscribe to Showtime:

1) Weeds. Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins and Kevin Nealon plus pounds and pounds of marijuana? Yes please! (Trust me, this is good stuff. D and I decided to pay $15 extra bucks a month for Showtime after renting seasons 1 and 2 from blockbuster just so we wouldn't have to wait forever for season 3 to come out on dvd. The opening song is reason enough to watch!)

2) Californication. David Duchovny plus hot sex and boobie scenes every episode. And it comes on right after Weeds.

3) Fat Actress. Admittedly I watched my first episode because there was nothing else on, but 5 minutes into it I was hooked and couldn't believe I'd been missing out all this time. This show is hilarious. Even D loves it! He watched it by himself while I was on business in Florida, people. (While giving himself a pedicure and wearing woman's underwear, I'm sure.) It's good.

4) Dexter. Smokin' hot blood splatter expert for the Miami PD that stalks and murders the guilty in his free time? Oh, oh so awesome. My sister turned me on to this a few weeks ago and I've been watching ever since. Last night we discovered that we have all the episodes on On Demand to watch at our leisure. We watched 3 in a row last night.

So much for oh, I'm not really a t.v. person. Hrmph.

Sunday

2007-09-02T17:36:00.001-07:00

Alright people, here's the deal. I miss blogging and I miss it bad. It's my mid-day cup-o-tea, my nightcap, my prozac all in one. I swear from this day forward to blog every single solitary day, even if just to check in and report that my period was especially heavy that day. Or that I ate an entire mushroom and black olive pizza in one sitting. Or that I managed to do bicep curls with a 50 pound barbell. You know, the important stuff that everyone wants to know. I find myself thinking gah! I need to blog! I have so much to say! and then time just slips away and there's laundry to do and dishes to wash and weights to be lifted and baby to bathe and husband to blow and sleep to be slept, and people stop visiting my blog and stop caring and I don't get the chance to say all the things that I can't usually say out loud. That's just it, my blog lets me complain about things that people would normally shun in day-to-day conversation, and my blog lets me brag on things that people would normally dismiss as obsessive or conceited in everyday life. Plus, and more importantly, my blog has spell check which I really wish was included in everyday life. Wouldn't that be nice? I remember a time when I was talking to my sister Emily and she said she had read my recent blog post, that it was funny (ha ha!) and insightful but that I had referred to ying and yang. Yeah, so? I inquired. Uh... well, it's YIN and yang, she offered. You're lying! I protested. No. It's YIN. Not YING. Shit. So see? It's clear that I NEED a grammer check feature as well but that's not happening any time soon. Hang on a sec, I need a tad bit more Merlot. Just a smidge... *guzzle, guzzle*

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Ethan is a freaking genius. Have I told you that before? Yeah, the kid is nuts, but in a good way. He loves his new classroom (the 2-year old room) and doesn't want to leave when we go to pick him up at the end of the day. He likes to boss me around, that's his new "thing". No mommy he'll say, or here mommy and he'll hand me my glass of wine. (Ok, not really but wouldn't that be rad? So rad...) (He usually says here, mommy and hands me a book or his sippy cup.) He likes to hide in the racks of clothing when we're out shopping so I'll say Holy hell, where's Ethan? Ethan, where are you? and he'll jump out of the clothes and smile and laugh with his whole body. I want ten more just like him but there's just no guarantee and I'm not sure that's a risk I'm willing to take. Ethan is like my friggin' sidekick. I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him after a long day and read a book, or have him wipe snot on my shoulder, or watch the latest episode of Sesame Street. Let me tell you... the same people that were on Sesame Street when YOU were a kid are still on there now, I shit you not. AND, they haven't aged AT ALL. I don't know what they're smokin' but I WANT SOME. Also, someone recently said that Big Bird is a GIRL? Is this true? I've always been under the impression that Big Bird was a dude. Thoughts?

I've been working out harder than ever but am easing up a bit with the rigid food rules I imposed upon myself as I got more and more into Precision Nutrition. PN states from the beginning that you follow the rules 90% of the time. That means that if I'm eating 6 meals a day, 7 days a week that I get 4 meals to play with. I'd been limiting myself to one or two big blow-out meals and it was getting to be a bit much. My job recently sent me away to Boca Raton Florida for 4 nights (4 nights!) and I hogged it up, man. I totally oinked out. That was my red flag that, uh, it's time to settle the fuck down. Eat something sinful more often so you don't go all hoggy-ho in cases like these. I've been maintaining my weight which is great, there's still more I'd like to lose but damn. Having a glass of wine every few nights might be worth a little extra badunk in my trunk, ya know? I've had to dig deep to find out why I put so much emphasis on being thin and being wanted by men. I know that sounds awful BUT IT'S TRUE. It has to do with my being molested by my friend's older brother ONE TIME as a kid, it goes back to my real father, who never wanted me (and has had little to do with me my entire life), and my complicated and VERY unpleasant relationship with my step-father up until he was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2000. It's true. I have issues with men and issues with sex and issues with myself and my body. I honestly think I would benefit from some sort of therapy. Just to let it all out. I have carried on for all this time being numb. Numb with alcohol or numb with drugs or numb with food... I'm tired of being numb. What's wrong with FEELING? What then? What happens when you let yourself live and be real and be human and feel raw and vulnerable? Well, I'm exploring that now. Health and fitness is one thing. Control and self-medicating with a subconscious eating disorder or a drinking problem is quite another. I'll keep you posted. I was going to apologize for maybe sharing too much but, well, THIS IS MY BLOG, dammit, SUCK IT. Whatever IT may be... my big toe, perhaps? An ear?

Things are good and I have a ton to say. I'll save more for tomorrow. I'm back, I'll be posting regularly and I hope you'll grab a glass of wine and join me. Cheers!

Saturday

2007-08-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

Eeesh, I'm the worst blogger on the planet. Busy, ya know? Really busy. And exhuasted when I do have a free mo'. Anyway, here are random pics. Me, E, my mom (the tiny blonde), my sis Emily (the tall blonde), my mom and me dancing, my mom and Drew dancing. That's all I got.

Sick Day

2007-08-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've been fighting off THE FUNK for well over two weeks now. Usually I panic at the first sign of illness and rush to thy docta, but life is so busy that I haven't the time to be under the weather. I sort of just ignored it, and it would go away and come back and go away and come back again, never really exploding into a full-on sickfest until yesterday. I called the doctor early in the day and pleaded with his nurse to convince him to just call in a Rx for me, I know I have whatever it is that my husband had last week, please just prescribe me a Z-pack and let's not waste anyone's time with an actual appointment. And it worked! She called something in for me and I left work early to pick it up and I popped the first pill in the parking lot on the way out. Unfortunately I didn't feel any better this morning, instead my throat was practically swollen shut, so I took the day off from work to rest up and re-experience the awfulness that is daytime television.

I couldn't seem to sit still today to actually rest. That pesky list of things that you should do but never get around to doing kept running through my head. Clean out the closet and file away old bills and vacuum (again) and cook something in bulk and do your nails. I did a ton of laundry and dishes and vacuumed and got my nails done and cooked up a batch of the Gourmet Nutrition peanut butter banana post-workout bars, and I even did the upper body pyramid workout that I was supposed to have done yesterday but didn't feel well enough to. At around 2:30 I finally settled down, ho-hummed around the Internet (why is it that all my favorite bloggers only post when I don't have the time to read it? Because when I'm at home with a whole day to fuck off no one ever publishes anything new! WHY?), and tried again to find something on t.v. I settled for Rachael Ray's talk show thingie. I only wanted to gouge my eyes out from the sound of her unbearable voice a few times, and that desire made me forget about being sick. Thank you, Rachael Ray.

::

We watched LA Ink last night and I must say, I still have a serious girl crush on Kat Von D but I do believe she is on drugs. She's single now (I HAVE A CHANCE!) (when and why did she divorce Oliver?) and she has lost a ton of weight. She's semi-spastic and it disturbs me. I'm no Colombian drug lord but I have done my fair share of smoking and snorting things that I shouldn't have (in HIGH SCHOOL people, and briefly after I dropped out of college the first time) (I'm a WINNER!) so I pride myself on recognizing the signs of a drug user. (What a skill!) She's still super hot, drugs or not. But I liked her better when she was more curvy and mellow.

::

Ethan is moving up to the 2-year old room on Monday.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Horrible, horrible news. And such short notice! He's only... he's not even... he's only like 19 months old! 20 months old? Anyway, he's too young! And I love his teachers in the 1-year old room. This breaks my heart. The 2-year old room is the room of total and complete insanity. Tantrums. Potty training. INSANITY! I'm not ready. He might be, but I most certainly AM NOT.

Saturday

2007-08-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Florida for 4 nights at the end of the month for business. I'm really excited, but after I scheduled the flight and rental car and all of that I realized that I haven't been on a plane in like 10 years. We flew a few times when I was a small child and I puked every single time. I don't do well with motion, or heights, or planes and airports in general, so I am actually quite anxious about the trip now. Not to mention that I get lost on the way to my own bathroom half the time, and my flight lands in Ft. Lauder dale so I have to drive 30 minutes to my final destination. Mapquest always always always lets me down so I'm pretty sure I'll get lost at least once.

I can't imagine being away from D and E for that long. It sounds wonderful and horrible at the exact same time. E's been a daddy's boy lately, so I'm sure they will have a great time drinking beer and watching sports shows. D will likely teach E how to smash a beer can with his head, he'll explain the art of distinguishing fake boobs from real ones and, heck, maybe they'll get really crazy and take a trip down to that Asian massage parlor down the highway. Tsk, silly boys.

I'm very excited about the possibility of jogging around Florida in the mornings before work as my cardio while on this trip. I'm not a runner, so it'll do my body good, and it's FLORIDA. Course I'll probably get lost, just me and my running shoes, feet don't fail me now. Maybe I'll pack my jump rope just in case jogging cluelessly around a completely unfamiliar city doesn't sound like such a good idea at the last minute. Right now it sounds like fun!

Being the nut that I am I will be packing pouches of tuna, salmon and chicken, preportioned nuts and premeasured protein powder. Hey, just because I'm traveling doesn't mean my diet has to suffer! I know things will be less than perfect food and exercise wise for those 4 days, but that's ok. When the possibility of this trip came up earlier in the year I totally freaked; my inner disordered eating self panicked ferociously. I gave her a xanax and told her to shut it and she really hasn't emerged since. So, I think I'll be ok.

I'm thinking about doing the Anabolic Diet for awhile to see what it's like and how my body will respond. If I decide to do it, it won't be for a few months yet because after I'm back from Florida my job responsibilities will increase tremendously, and I don't think it's a good idea to be in that carbless fog that tends to settle over you when you're on such a diet. Once I get the hang of my new position I just might give it a try. I know a couple of fabulous fitness freaks over on the PN forum who are doing the diet as we speak, and I intend to watch them closely and cheer them on. Depending on their results and mindset I'll know whether to run screaming for the hills or give the diet a try. For now I'm laying low with the basic PN principles and loving it, training hard as usual and watching the number on the scale slowly go down. I can't AFFORD to do the AD right now anyway... I just bought a whole new smaller wardrobe and would like to enjoy it for at least a couple of months before the new stuff starts getting too big.

My family is coming next weekend and then the weekend after that my sister Emily is flying in, so the next 2 weekends will be fabulous. I always have the best time with my family. I miss them so! I'm anxious for the moment when they walk in and see Ethan. I don't think they are going to believe their eyes when they see how much he's grown, how well he speaks, how bright-eyed and good humored a kid he is. We are definitely not having another kid, I say that with 99.9% certainty. E is so awesome that I'm pretty sure our next kid would be a dud. ;)

D and I weren't doing very well for awhile there, and we were in marital hell to the point of no return, or so I thought. When people tell you marriage is tough you just don't have a clue as to what they're talking about. You think you do, you think you're ready, but you just don't know until you're already legally bound for eternity and there's no turning back. We've learned so much about each other over the last several weeks, the main problem was that we lost our connection. It's so easy to do in the day to day grind. We lost that best friendship that our relationship is built on. We needed to reconnect, but life just got in the way. It's amazing how you can feel so distant from somebody you spend so much time with. I guess we sort of fell in love with each other all over again, and things are great. You just learn as you go, I suppose. Neither of us is perfect and that's totally cool. We're gonna make it after all! That's a good, GOOD feeling. :D

Sunday

2007-07-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sunday is usually my cooking and cleaning day. Today I made a batch of the Gourmet Nutrition peanut butter banana post-workout bars (these are so good, TOO good!) (Skwigg calls them poo bars because they look like turds) (TASTY turds!) and these tasty South Beach diet egg cups. I used turkey bacon, 4 whole omega eggs and 4 eggwhites, full-fat cheddar cheese instead of reduced fat (barf) and divided the mixture into 8 cups instead of 6. They are good, very very good, with decent (and PN compliant!) nutritional stats. I eat 2 cups as a mini-meal.

Egg Cups

Makes 6 cups

Ingredients
4 ounces turkey sausage or crumbled turkey bacon
1/2 green bell pepper, chopped
1/4 onion, chopped
5 large eggs
1 can (12 ounces) sliced mushrooms, drained
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded, reduced-fat Cheddar cheese

Instructions
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Coat a 6-cup nonstick muffin pan with cooking spray, or line with paper baking cups. In a medium nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, cook the sausage, pepper, and onion for 5 minutes or until the sausage is no longer pink. Spoon the mixture into a bowl and cool slightly. Stir in the eggs and mushrooms. Evenly divide the mixture among the prepared muffin cups. Sprinkle with the cheese. Bake for 20 minutes or until the egg is set.

Nutritional Information:
140 calories
9 g total fat (3 g sat)
195 mg cholesterol
4 g carbohydrate
12 g protein
1 g fiber
400 mg sodium

::

I finally did Drill Max in it's entirety this morning. Normally I just do the 40-minute "Cardio Blast" premix option, which kicks my ass every time. This morning I felt ambitious and decided to brave the whole 70-minute workout. HOLY SHIT. Check out the breakdown here. It's tough stuff. I can't wait to do it again next Sunday.

F-f-f-FRIDAY!

2007-07-27T12:34:00.001-07:00

Yeah boy-ee! Right on. Guess what? I'm in the 130's now, weight-wise. WHOOt! The scale read 139.5 and dammit, I'm never going back to the 140's ever again. I'm 4.5 pounds from my fat loss goal. Right on. Yeah boy-ee! (Oh so annoying.) AND, I must add, that I weighed 139.5 with my clothes AND workout shoes on, and there was a band aid on my toe and I do believe I was wearing mascara that day, so that probably adds like half a pound, right? Heh, right. Right on! Yeah boy-ee!

(Ethan had me up this morning at like 3:30 a.m. He cried and cried and when I brought him into bed with us he acted like it was 3:30 in the afternoon. I've been up ever since, and not even a powerful and mighty Grande plain black brew from Starbucks could snap me out of my fuzzy state of mind. Anyway, that may or may not explain the random outbursts above. I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday! More later...)

(Maybe...)

(You know how it goes...)

Freebies!

2007-07-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite fitness bloggers Maggie recently wrote a post about Precision Nutrition, titled "Fitness on a Budget Part 1: The Poor Man’s (or Woman’s) Precision Nutrition Plan." It contains lots of great tips and links, so go check it out!

::

Holy shit! Skwigg (another one of my fave bloggers) posted a free link to the 4 Week Turbulence Training Bodyweight Workout on her blog! It's like Christmas for health and fitness enthusiasts alike!

Sunday...

2007-07-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

We went to Whole Foods late yesterday afternoon because I decided that I really wanted a slice of their cheesecake and D wanted to pick up something to grill for dinner. We went through the huge meat department oooing and ahhhing at all the possibilities, me still on my anti-red meat kick.

Me: CHICKEN.

D: BEEF!

Me: Mmm, chicken.

D: Mmm, BEEF!

Me: Did you SEE that movie? I can't stomach it!

D, to the WF meat specialist a few feet away: Pardon me, madam... (ok, he didn't really say that, it was more like Hey, lady... because he is oh so charming...) Are you able to tell me and my wife how these animals died and how they were treated while alive?

Meat Lady: Certainly! We have a strict policy about only selling humanely treated animals. Most of our selections are free range, and the cows are put up in the cow equivalent of a penthouse suite where they have room service twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. They are then lead unsuspectingly to a quick, virtually painless death and are not traumatized beforehand in any way....

She went on to talk about how for their pork products, the piglets are kept with their mothers rather than separated, and it was at that point that I mentally stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted lalalalalalalalala I CAN'T HEAR YOU!, all the while nodding my head intensely. Which, I DO care, I just can't handle the truth. Just hearing her say the word piglet (Wilbur!) (Babe!) made me scratch bacon off my list of yummy foods.

I went to their website and sure enough, they have wonderful policies in place that make me feel much better about eating meat. I wanted to explain all that before telling you that I had the most delicious pepper-crusted sirloin steak ever for dinner last night. Happy, humanely treated animals really do taste better. Anyway, I think I'm going to only purchase meat from Whole Foods from now on because they actually care about animal welfare. That's really important to me. I definitely won't be buying this shirt anytime soon, but I'm not giving up red meat afterall. I'm just going to be super picky about where I buy it.

::

From a comment on my last post:

I'm curious, but does PN require you to measure and count everything and are you working out 2 hours a day? That eat every 3 hours never worked for me and I'm finding as I get older I can't pound myself with the extra cardio.

Sort of and no. I weigh/measure things like nuts, oil and nut butter (doesn't that sound perverted? Nut butter? Heh.) because they are high in calories, delicous and very easy to overdo. It's really not necessary, though. You need to learn what proper portion sizes are, but that's true for any diet plan, and I think it's good for people to measure things out from time to time to see what a true serving is. Otherwise eyeballing your food is fine. No need to carry around a set of measuring cups and spoons or anything.

And no, oh holy hell no, I hardly have time to put on make-up in the morning, let alone work out 2 hours a day. That sounds like hell to me, a real recipe for burn-out and disaster. Working out that much can actually work against you metabolically, and it increases your risk for injury as well. I do 20-40 minute cardio sessions 3-4 times a week, and weight training for 60-75 minutes twice a week. The trick is to make every single minute count so that no time is wasted. At my gym there are always people on the cardio machines puttering away for 60+ minutes but barely breaking a sweat. I come in, push myself as hard as I can (you have to DIG DEEP!), and leave 20 minutes later soaked in sweat and red-faced while the other slow and steady cardio bunnies have another 40 minutes to go. If you push yourself and use high-intensity interval training, you can get a lot done in very little time.

As for eating every 2-3 hours, the science behind it makes total sense to me, but even if it had no effect on fatloss I would continue to do it. I have energy through the roof because I'm constantly nourishing my body, and as someone who JUST.LOVES.TO.EAT, it's perfect. The trick there is making sure you're not eating 5 or 6 giant "normal" sized meals each day, but 5 or 6 balanced mini-meals of around 200-300 calories each instead. I can't imagine eating any other way. My mom is naturally a grazer and I've always thought that was pretty cool. :)

Saturday...

2007-07-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

I watched Fast Food Nation last night. D thought it was "slow" and scratched his head at the end, but I totally got the message as the movie brought up some interesting points that I don't think I would have considered on my own. And honestly, the cow killing scene at the very end sent me into a fit of uncontrollable tears. At this point I'm not sure I'll ever eat red meat again, and I'm swearing off fast food altogether. I haven't had it anyway in a long while, and now I am utterly and completely turned off. The movie was a dramatization of what does and could go on behind the scenes of any good ol' American fast food chain. It brings up everything from the way the animals are treated to contaminated meat to immigrant workers at the meat processing plants to marketing to environmental issues. The list goes on and on and I had a very, VERY bad taste in my mouth at the end. And I was a snotty mess from the cow thing. It really was awful. I don't know why I love cows so much. They certainly are delicious but if THAT'S the way they live their lives and that's the way they die, I'm not so sure a little taste sensation on my end is worth it. Plus I'm partial to cow-loving because E is nuts about them. (What does a cow say? Mooooooooooooo!) I'll stick with chicken and eggs and cottage cheese, thanks. Of course, this brings up how chickens are treated and to go free range or not to go free range, and on and on and on. You can't win. Please don't tell me any chicken horror stories. At least wait a few days. I went grocery shopping this morning with a list I created yesterday afternoon. I scratched "steak" off the list.

::

The entire family is fighting off some funk. E had a slight fever this morning and D has been hacking and coughing and weezing so much that I almost want to pack him up and send him to a hotel until he is OVER IT ALREADY. He's already been sleeping on the couch for the last week. I think we both prefer that sleeping arrangement now and I'm actually starting to understand why my aunt and uncle have separate rooms. That is the smartest idea I have ever heard of. Separate rooms. I'll take mine with a deadbolt, please.

::

My family is coming to visit in 3 weeks and I don't know if I can wait. I really think my head might explode before they arrive. Mom? Larry? Nowell and Robin? I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS! HURRY, PLEASE HURRY! DRIVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN! I MISS YOU SO! (I might lick them when they get here because they all taste so sweet.)

::

I'm down another pound, which means that after almost 9 weeks of Precision Nutrition I have lost 8.5 pounds. I am so very happy with my progress so far. I'm in size 8 bottoms (and they are loose!) and M tops. I was a size 12/XL when I began PN. My fatloss goal is to wear a size 6 and weigh around 135 pounds. That's a great, maintainable weight for my height and build (5'5"). I'm so close! Not only am I shedding fat at a safe and steady rate, I'm also keeping all my hard-earned muscle and perhaps even building some, too. But the best part is that I'm loving my food and enjoying training hard and it's all very balanced and wonderful. I am a fit person. I lead a healthy, fitness oriented lifestyle and I love it, and I am so proud to say that. Balance, meet Sara. Sara, meet Balance. (Hey there! Where ya been all my life?)

Friday Night...

2007-07-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

...E is asleep and D is out running errands. The t.v. is off. Our house is quiet. There is absolutely nothing good on television. Nada. It's all crap. I'm starting to think that TiVo is a big fat waste of time. If I really want to watch something I will watch it when it airs. I don't love t.v. enough to have two must-see shows come on at the same time, and if I don't have the time to watch it when it airs I probably won't have time to watch it later, whatever it may be. Right now our saved show list consists of a few Cathe workouts from FitTv, a ton of skate and car shows, several episodes of The Office, Scrubs and Lil' Bush, and the rest is Blue's Clues, the Backyardigans or SpongeBob Square Pants. I guess the best thing about having a DVR is that you can magically pull SpongeBob out of your ass when your kid is throwing the tantrum of all tantrums and you're at the end of your rope. That's definitely a plus.

::

Though our trip to Texas that was supposed to happen this weekend (sob!) (it was cancelled due to a certain someone's boss being a total and complete donkey ass) (waaa!) I still took Monday off from work. And I'll most certainly be dropping E off at daycare per the usual routine. Then I will have 8 or so hours of time to do whatever the hell I want. Today I ditched the office after lunch and went and got a manicure. I now have short, bright red nails and they look fabulous. Who knew? I'm not a girly girl, but there's something very Marilyn about this color (it's OPI's Big Apple Red) and it makes my t-shirt, flip flop wearing self almost glamorous. (G, L, A, M... O, R, OUS... we're flyin' first class, up in the sky. Poppin' champagne...) Christ. That fucking song always gets stuck in my head. I like Fergie, especially since she peed her pants on stage, but damn. She got me love drunk off her hump... her hump her hump, her hump her hump her HUMP!

(Gah!)

::

In other news, one of my bosses has been blasting the same Flava Flav song over and over and over again. Actually, that's pretty cool. I must say, I'm kinda sorta maybe moving up just a little bit at my job, and it's nice. There's a bright side. Everyone at the office has fantastic taste in music. There was one time when boss#2 played that hideous, make-me-wanna-gouge-my-eyes-out Barbie Girl song, but only for a split second because I started to have a nervous breakdown. Do you know what song I'm talking about? One time in middle school my favorite radio station in Texas played it twenty seven times in a row, or something ridiculous. I get the shakes and start rocking back and forth with my knees tucked to my chest if I hear it.

::

See why I don't post much anymore? I have nothing to say. My gawd, life is boring but that's a good thing. Who wants drama anyway? NOT ME.

::

Ethan. My gawd people! He's just... amazing. Brilliant! A kickass, spunky, energetic and fun little kid. He says HEY MAMA and COLOR COLOR COLOR! (which is his all time favorite thing to do... you should have seen how hard he tripped over those bath crayons... you mean we get to color in the bathtub? For REAL?) He says please and thank you and bless you and WHERE DID IT GO? That's a new one. WHERE'D IT GO? and he'll shrug and throw his arms up like what the hell? It's so freaking cute. He can sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and The Wheels on the Bus and Old MacDonald. His newest word is coaster. Coaster! What 19-month old says COASTER? A genius one, that's who. Anyway, he continues to blow my freaking mind almost every minute of every day. On Wednesday he got a POOR on his chart at daycare for behavior for the very first time and I couldn't believe it! The teachers said him and some other tots were picking on the new kid that can't walk yet. Apparently Ethan was trying to ride him like a horse. This horrified me, but made Drew beam with pride. OF COURSE. I felt better after learning that he wasn't the only one doing it, but dude... I guess I didn't realize that kids bullied each other at such a young age. On a more angelic note Ethan LOVES to help me clean up. We sing the clean up! clean up! everybody, everywhere! song and he's all about putting things back where they belong. Which is AWESOME. He has my permission to kick every new kid's ass if he continues to be such a big helper at home. Take that aggression out at school, son, bloody their noses! But don't let me find a crayon on the floor...

::

I've been on Precision Nutrition for 8 weeks now, and I've made some amazing, seemingly effortless progress. Not that it doesn't take dedication and planning and hard work, but the no calorie counting thing makes it a total breeze for me. There's a PN Challenge going on, the last day to register is this Monday, July 16. I'm in, and you should be too! The winner gets a free year's worth of groceries. You can read all about it here. Oh, and good luck, because I AM TOTALLY GOING TO WIN. (wink, wink)

Texas...

2007-07-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

I hate Texas. I really do. When I think of Texas I think of dead grass, exhaust, SUVs and fast food on every corner. But when I think of Texas I also think about my family: my mom, 3 sisters and 2 brothers, grandparents... the full list. We were supposed to go to Texas for a long weekend next week, but our trip was pretty much ruined by D's douchebag of a boss. I could go alone but the thought of driving for over 7 hours with Ethan, WHO IS NEARLY 19 MONTHS OLD, is absolutely terrifying. I'm 99.9% sure that I'd drive us right off a bridge after, oh, an hour and a half or so, because drowning in my car would be more enjoyable than traveling that long with a screaming toddler. Ethan can barely stand to sit in his carseat when we drive the 20 minutes to the grocery store each Saturday, nevermind for hours at a time.

Since we moved to Louisiana I guess I've seen most of my family pretty regularly. My sis Emily and her fiance Zack have come to stay with us a few times, and my mom and the crew have been here twice. I suppose you could say that we see them every 3 months. For as close a family as we are and were, that's not nearly often enough. What's more, the fact that my mom doesn't get to see Ethan on a regular basis makes me want to stab myself. It is SO important to me that he grow up knowing her... fortunately when she visits us or we visit her, Ethan takes to her like white on rice in a heartbeat. He loves my mom, Aunt Emily too, and could care less what I think when they're around. I love it. I'm pretty sure they love that too. It's nice, and I want it to happen every weekend, not 4 times a year. Anyway, I'm pretty upset that we won't be going to see them. I'm really very sad. I feel empty inside. THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN FAMILY. My gawd, I demand that you all stop reading my blog this instant and instead run to the phone and call your mom, sister, brother, aunt, grandma... tell them that you care. And if you live close to each other, take advantage of it. Go drink some gah-damn tea together or something. Anything!

::

We got Ethan some bath crayons today. That was and will be the highlight of my entire weekend. Waa.

The 4th...

2007-07-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

From the Sarah Silverman show:

(Getting an AIDS test)

Nurse: How many sexual partners have you had?
Sarah: (scribbles a number on a sheet of paper and hands to nurse)
Nurse: There are two numbers here.
Sarah: Yeah, that one's for the front door.
Nurse: They're the exact same number.
Sarah: Yeah, I'm OCD like that.

::

Ha! And Happy 4th of July, no matter where you are. (If you're in the states, please try not to blow yourself up! Or anyone else!)

Rainy Day?

2007-06-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

E is sleeping and my plan was to take him to the park once he wakes up, but I hear thunder... gah! Will I be stuck in the house with an energetic toddler on a Saturday afternoon? I'm drinking my 2nd (and last) cup of coffee with splenda right now, so I imagine I'll be energetic as well. Guess we'll play FOLD THE LAUNDRY again. Ha, ha. HA! Ok, so this demonstrates my genius perfectly: I wanted another cup of coffee but needed to get at least one cup of green tea in today, so I made the coffee, added the splenda, stirred, then put my green tea bag in. Green tea coffee! BRILLIANT! Ok, maybe not so much. But I am killing two birds with one stone, no? Actually, scratch that. I like birds. There will be no bird killing on this blog. PETA rejoice!

Last night I wrapped up 4 weeks of Muscle Max. Today I finally mucked out my plan for the next 4 weeks: cardio per usual, a mix of kickboxing, HIIT on the elliptical, HIIT on the step and plain ol' step, 3 (but ideally 4) times per week, and then I'm going to do Maximum Intensity Strength for 4 weeks. After that my new dvds should be here, and I can add them to my rotation. I'm REALLY excited about the Imax 3 workout that I ordered, especially the premix options for when I'm short on time (which is almost ALWAYS). And the pyramid weight workout will be a nice change. I've heard great things about this particular upper and lower body split. I'm so excited! I think it's cool that I get excited about new workouts and protein powder and the like. D thinks I'm completely insane, but at least I'll be insane with a tight @$$, right? Right. Heh. (OK I AM OFFICIALLY BORED.)

Oooh! Click on over to Kek's recipe blog! Right now! CLICK! What are you waiting for?

Irritated...

2007-06-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's safe to say that I would rather give my dog a rectal exam than listen to Sammy Hagar. I mean, if someone threatened my life or my family's safety or something and said "You have a choice: either stick this probe up your pup's back door or listen to an entire Sammy album straight through," I would be up my dog's ass in a heartbeat. I'm just sayin'. And now you know.

::

(Where are you going? Don't click away, come BACK!)

::

My very favorite part of every day is 6-7 p.m. By this time my workout is usually done and those tingly, post-exercise endorphins are rushing through my system. Ethan has finished dinner and had his bath. (Recently he's been showering with his dad and absolutely loves it. It is remarkably cute how the two of them bond, I can hardly stand it.) Anyway, after his bath I usually fix him a sippy full of juice or fruit smoothie, put out a small bedtime snack (a handful of Kix cereal or flavored mini-rice cakes are both popular selections), turn Scrubs on the tube (Ethan LOVES Scrubs. He will literally sit on my lap and direct all of his attention to that show for, like, fifteen minutes at a stretch. I have no shame, I think it's a great show for him to like. And it is a great show...), and we sit on the living room rug to color and do puzzles. That stale daycare scent has been washed from Ethan's curls. Bogart stretches out at our feet. It's my most favorite time of day, every day. And it (almost) always puts me in a good mood. I really look forward to it. It's my one hour of pure, uninterrupted, guaranteed bliss, every single day.

What's New?

2007-06-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, what is new? Well, nothing really. While my eating and exercise are going extremely well, other areas of my life are pathetically lacking. No substance, no texture, no life. I'm absurdly bored with my job. That whole yahoooooooooo, I got a jooooooooooooob that pays weeeeeeeeeeeell, I'm a working mooooooooooooooooooooooooom! phase was over long ago. At this point if I have to scan another document for someone or pick up their FUCKING lunch, I seriously believe that I might stab myself in the eyeball with a jumbo paperclip. I feel like a fool. I can't do this forever. I won't! But what then? I have a loose Master Plan, but geeesh. I just don't know. I doubt myself often. From the simplest of tasks to the most complex, lifelong goals and achievements... I don't have faith in myself. I never have. I don't know why. I know it goes back to long long long ago, because I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I usually feel like I just don't have what it takes, so I don't even try. How sad is that? Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis sad. If I held down the i key forever, it still would not come close to demonstrating just how pathetic that fact is. *sigh*

(Oh, everyone feel sorry for Sara, boo-freaking-hoo!)

(Pathetic!)

::

In other news, D's grandpa has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. This news sent me from mildly unhappy with life to straight up in a funk. I am in a funk. A funk I don't know how to rid myself of. Because life is too short to worry about how much cellulite you have on your thighs, or whether the floor is clean enough, or how your kid's stuffed animals are arranged in his room. My gawd, I am wasting my time! I feel like a waste of space. Today my boss asked me to do something in the 10 minutes I had left in my work day, and because I couldn't complete it and had to leave to get Ethan and pass the work on to my co-worker, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I honest to gawd started CRYING. I kept thinking about D's grandpa, which lead to thoughts of my own dad (who died from cancer), which lead to thoughts about life, how short it is, how sweet it is, which lead me to ask myself WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? And the answer is a very dark and very hollow NOTHING.

Fuck. This mood just might be due to the fact that I weaned myself off of Welbutrin in the last few weeks, I'm not sure. Screw the Welbutrin, just leave me in your garage with your car running and the door shut, please. I AM HORRIBLE.

Sunday...

2007-06-24T15:07:00.001-07:00

I highly highly highly highly HIGHLY recommend that you click on over to Amyella's recipe page (and read her blog, while you're at it!), print all of her recipes out and get to cookin'. I've tried the Oat Zucchini bars and have actually started doing more cardio so that I can eat them more often (I try to consume starchy and sugary carbs post-workout only), and this afternoon I made the Crustless Meat Pizza... whoa. It's gooooooooooooood. It's really good and really, surprisingly filling. My fridge is currently stocked with a week's worth of the bars and 5 more servings of the pizza. Yum! Happy eating!

::

Workouts are going great. I have one more week of Muscle Max, and I increased my weight on nearly all the exercises this past week. I give partial credit to adding EAS Betagen HP orange during and post-workout, and partial credit to finally realizing that I really can almost always lift more than I think I can. Sometimes I forget that. It's the best feeling ever to dig really deep and muster up even more strength. Today marks the start of week 6 on Precision Nutrition, and I must say that I couldn't be any more pleased with my results so far. It's such an awesome program. I'm to the point where I can see what kind of killer shape I have under all the (rapidly decreasing) fluff. I'd be a fool to not keep going at this point. I'd say I'm less than 10 pounds from goal fatloss wise, and then I can start working on building up some beautiful, gorgeous muscle. Things are good. I am armed with delicious recipes, tough workouts, THE BEST whey protein powder I have ever tasted, my omega-3 caps and more motivation than I think I've ever had to totally and completely kick ass. My own and others, of course. ;)

AGAIN...

2007-06-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

I am so hungry today. SO.HUNGRY. GOOD because perhaps it means the metabolism is in high gear (vvrroooom, vvrrooooooom!, as Ethan would say), but also BAD because, um... well, I'm hungry.

::

E is home sick AGAIN. A-G-A-I-N. Frick! He had a fever yesterday and today, a fever that did not seem to respond to more cow bell. (If you laughed at that you are truly awesome. Take the rest of the day off and go buy yourself a drink, you awesome person, you.) D took him to the doctor today. My poor baby!, who just finished his antibiotics from last week's pink eye/ear infection combo, now has an upper respiratory infection and the worst diaper rash I have ever seen. He'll be ok, he's home with dada, probably watching Speed t.v. and drinking beer from a sippy cup. Male bonding, you know?

::

To wrap up this most exciting post, I'll tell you what is in my random desk drawer: 1 shaker bottle containing a scoop of Dymatize Elite chocolate whey protein powder (which I will drink in a few hours, yum!), 1 bottle of fish-flax-borage oil (just popped two pills with lunch), 1 orange (which I will eat in a few hours with the whey, yum!), a small box of Splenda packets, a box of Lipton flavored green tea, a box of Laci Le Beau Super Dieters Tea in cinnamon spice, 2 1.5-ounce packs of salted almonds (one of them is almost gone), 1 Myoplex Lite bar in 'chocolate chocolate chip crisp' flavor, 2 Halls sugar free cough drops, some paperclips and a travel-size bottle of lotion that I've never seen before. What's in your desk drawer?

Humble...

2007-06-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Ever been speeding down the highway on your way to work, extremely annoyed by the idiot in front of you who has had their blinker on for, like, 8 miles, only to glance down at your dashboard to find your own blinker flashing away at you? (Mine does not flash a green arrow. Instead it now flashes a small sign that reads DUMBFUCK.)

Sunday...

2007-06-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, Happy Father's Day to all the baby daddy out there! Unless you're a deadbeat that doesn't play an active part in your child's life, of course. A very UN-happy Father's Day to YOU. (Ahem, that was for my biological father. Bastard!)

::

I'm a wee bit hungover today because last night D and I went out to eat. I kicked the night off with a celebratory glass of Merlot before we even left the house, and since we went to a Mexican restaurant I felt the need to order a margarita. I said no to the chips and salsa and chose steak with avocado relish, mashed potatoes and grilled veggies over a greasy, cheesy, fried entree, ALL so that I could 1)have a big margarita and 2)have dessert, duh. While I feel I balanced out my food choices pretty well, I did NOT balance out my alcohol, that's for sure. That damn tequila snuck up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and then sucker-punched me the minute I turned around. At one point BEFORE the blow but post margarita I commented to D that hey, I think I just might order a glass of wine! Great idea! but he knew what was to come after watching me slurp my grande margarita down like it was kool-aid and begged me not to. The point is, drinking is probably something that should be well thought out, not purchased impulsively because it looks "pretty". Duh, I know. What was I THINKING? Fortunately, forcing myself to do some cardio actually made me feel better, and now that I'm showered I almost feel normal. But this is my message to you, dear friends: Think before you drink.

Friday

2007-06-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

I ordered some Betagen this afternoon, orange flavor. I'm pretty excited. If you have any important information about this product (like that it will KILL you, or something... did you read that article on Muscle Milk?), please speak now or forever hold your peace. I think I'm only going to take it during and after weight training workouts. Any suggestions?

::

My mom emailed me, asking if I'd link to a charity project in Denton, Texas. Not only will I link to it, mommy dearest, I'll even post your email on here and let YOU do it. (No, she never beat us with wire hangers. I'm not sure how she contained herself.) (Also, my mom doesn't capitalize anything she writes or types. I love it. I think it's a nice touch to her vegetarian lifestyle, like Oh, I won't eat meat! And I won't capitalize ANYTHING, either. I don't like meat. And I don't like capital letters, either. I think it's rad. My mom is the absolute coolest and very best. She is.) (Um, also... I'm not sure the link she sent works, but here it is anyway...) (WIDELY READ BLOG? Muahahahaha! Heh!)

hi! i was wondering if you would post something about this on your blog.
it's a project of making afghans for kids at cancer camps, this lady in denton
is running it. everyone makes a square (or more) and sends it to her, then they
are assembling the afghans right in our very own library next month. SO if you
could mention it with this link < http://thiseclecticlife.com/2007/06/14/searching-for-people-with-big-hearts/ > in your widely read blog, i would appreciate it!

Wednesday

2007-06-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

What is everyone reading lately? I've read and read and reread and reread and re-reread my Precision Nutrition binder eighteen hundred times, I thumbed through the latest issue of Parents magazine a few days ago, and Ethan and I read Brown Bear, Brown Bear and The Very Hungry Caterpillar religiously, but otherwise I haven't read a suck-me-in-and-spit-me-out good book in a very, very, very long time. I need suggestions! What are you currently reading? (Mom and Megan, my two favorite librarians in the whole wide world, can you give me some suggested reading?)

::

I've been eating these delicious blueberry bran muffins post-workout. Even Ethan likes 'em! The recipe is from John Berardi's website, but I'll post it here for your convenience, because I like you very much:

Blueberry Bran Muffins

These little treats are made from low-GI carbs, so you don’t have to worry about eating one or two after a P+C meal. They also have a bit of flax meal to add moisture, and just a couple of polyunsats. I’ve been eating these for a while and loving them, so recently I gave them the final test by taking a batch to a dinner party, complete with professors and their wives. Success! They were reduced to crumbs, followed with compliments about their taste, rather than their ingredients.

Ingredients:

1 cup oat bran
½ cup flax meal
4 scoops protein powder, flavor of your choice (I like chocolate with this recipe).
2/3 cup frozen blueberries
1 cup granulated Splenda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
3 jumbo egg whites
1 teaspoon maple extract
2/3 cup water

Instructions:

Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl, then add the egg whites, extract, and water. Stir until mixed well. Scoop into a muffin pan coated with cooking spray. Bake at 350-degrees for 25 minutes.

Makes 6 large muffins.

Macronutrient Profile (each muffin):
K/cal: 176
Fat: 4 g (1s, 1m, 2p)
Carbs: 20g (4 fiber)
Protein: 21 g

::

I'm in the market for a new workout dvd, but I can't decide which one to get: Push/Pull + Supersets, Slow & Heavy, or Upper/Lower body Pyramid. I'm leaning more towards purchasing the Pyramid dvd, simply because it's unlike anything I already own and would add some welcome variety to my current 4-week weight training rotation. I'm also considering adding a BCAA/Glutamine recovery drink during and after weight training, but I'm torn. Has anyone tried Xtreme Formulations ICE? Gosh, I sure am needy today. Sorry about that.

::

JB pushes fish and flax oil like it's some sort of magic, anti-aging serum, but I'm starting to see where he's coming from. I've been taking Omega 3-6-9 fish, flax and borage oil a few times a day for almost 4 weeks now, and I can't believe how great I feel. My skin is glowing, nary a blemish in site. (I'm sure I'll wake up with one hell of a crater tomorrow for saying that.) My nails are stronger and less brittle. My hair is shiny. Probably best of all is that my usual premenstrual cravings are half as severe as they were before. I really do notice a difference! I'm still a total bitch come that time of the month, don't get me wrong. Poor D could breathe the wrong way and I'd file for divorce. (Is "Consumes too much oxygen and leaves muddy shoes on living room rug" a listed reason on the forms?) But I no longer feel the need to eat an entire gallon of double chocolate ice cream, a canister of cream cheese frosting and a whole box of whatever cereal is housed atop the fridge. Last month I didn't even realize it was PMS week until after it had passed. That's one Snickers bar short of a miracle, I tell you.

::

Whenever Ethan sees me naked he loudly exclaims "NAKED MUNNY!". If he sees D naked he'll scream "NAKED DADDY!". He calls me mommy or mama, so I'm not exactly sure why I'm naked MUNNY. It's cute though. Perhaps he senses that I was a stripper in a past life and associates my nakedness with money. Now that I think about it, that's quite a compliment! See, Precision Nutrition WORKS!

Over and Over and Over AGAIN...

2007-06-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ethan was dancing around the living room watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the Disney channel when I noticed an all too familiar "glisten" in his right eye. Upon closer inspection I concluded that yep, pink eye again. By again I mean the fourth time in four months. This is total insanity! I google pink eye every time he gets it, hoping that a new breakthrough cure has been found since the last time he had it. Poor baby! His eye is swollen and oozing a green discharge, which leads me to believe it is bacterial and not viral. I'm just waiting to get fired from my job because I've missed work for PINK EYE exactly 13,455,583 times. What can you do, ya know? I'll definitely talk to the doctor about what we can do to stop this madness, whether we should switch daycare facilities or not, and if, perhaps, we haven't administered the medication correctly/often enough/for long enough in the past and that's why he seems to get it every other flipping day. Who knows. Only two things are certain: Ethan has pink eye and it totally blows fat donkey nuts. Totally.

Despite that downer we followed through with our plans for the day (before his eye got really bad) and finally took E to the zoo. HE FLIPPED over EVERYTHING! It was awesome. It was awesome but so, so, sooooooooooooo very hot. We arrived at 9:30 a.m. and left at 11:30, and when we finally collapsed into our car I felt as though we'd been traveling in the desert with no water. Damn Louisiana summers! Hot and humid and just plain nasty. It's wrong when you start to sweat from walking at .000001 miles per hour at ten o'clock in the morning. Also, do you realize what this weather does to my hair? It's not pretty. Unless we magically flash back to 1972, it's not really the look I'm trying to achieve.

Anyway, so the zoo was awesome and we spent a trillion dollars in the stupid gift shop because look, look, a stuffed elephant! Never mind that Ethan doesn't give two craps about all the stuffed tigers and bears and bunnies he already has, must buy more stuffed animals. It's a sickness. (ALSO: $2 for a 20-oz. bottle of Minute Maid fruit punch? Seriously? Did it come with a shot of heroin?)

So, unless E's eye magically de-crusts itself overnight, I'm off work tomorrow with the red-eyed monster. Cross your fingers and toes that I score an early doctor appointment with zero wait, and that the pharmacy fills E's eye drop Rx in 20 seconds or less. (I should lower my expectations, I know. I realize that I'm setting myself up for a big letdown.)

So, how 'bout that UN-diet?

2007-06-09T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding posting, I think, subconsciously and maybe now not so much, because I was totally all up on my non-diet, Sara-wannabe high horse, and that horse threw me into the mud and trampled on my head several weeks ago. I get really irritated when people are wishy-washy, and now I'm tucking my tail between my legs and hiding under the couch. I think that in my case, I needed to find out what was more important to me: eating anything whenever I wanted it but being heavier than I would like to be, or restricting what I eat to some extent but feeling great in my own skin. Very few people can truly eat whateverthehell they want and still be fit and trim and lean. Everyone has to regulate to some extent, am I right? And it goes further than that; you start to really realize how food makes you feel, how it affects your mood, skin, hair... etc.etc.etc. Not to knock off Skwigg, but sanity really did arrive in the form of Precision Nutrition. Now that I've been following it for 3 weeks, I'm kicking myself for not buying it sooner. I went from eating 3-5 servings of fruits and veggies most days to eating at least 10 every single day. I'm now a dedicated fish oil consumer. I haven't purchased a pre-packaged meal in almost a month. In other words, I'm training hard and eating well, eating a ton actually, NOT counting a damn thing (except maybe the massive amounts of produce I eat daily, and that's just for my own personal enjoyment) and am honestly loving every minute of it. So. There you go. Non-dieting got my 5'5" frame up to 150 pounds, and 3 weeks of PN got me back down to 144 as of last Thursday, without counting calories. That's the kicker. That's why I love it and can follow the program with ease. PN was worth every penny, though if you're really ambitious you could totally get the gist of the program by reading all the articles on johnberardi.com, and getting a free account (and free access) to the Precision Nutrition forums and online resources. (I just saved you $108. Thank me now, thank me later... I'll probably get kicked out of the forums for it.)

So, I don't want to blather on about diet anymore. I'm doing great and I feel like this program was freaking designed for my ex-disordered eating ass, and I don't want to jinx myself by talking about it too much. That's all I have to say about that. *dusts hands and walks away*

::

Fun fact 'o' the day: My office in Baton Rouge is the EXACT SAME OFFICE that Master P used while stationed in Baton Rouge. We still get mail for No Limit Productions, and this makes me waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too giddy, every single time. I daydream about him coming by one day to pick up his mail. We'd talk, he'd compliment my eyes, take me out to lunch, and soon I'd be working for him. No Limit Sara. (That could also be a porn name, if you think about it.) (P.S. I DO have limits, but thanks.)

::

Ethan is talking in sentences now, or at least putting two or more words together. "More please..." "THERE it is!" "Love you!" "Truck, vrooooom, VROOOOM!" He seriously looks like he's 12 years old now. Every evening after bath time, D and I sprawl on the rug with him and we just stare and laugh in awe of his cuteness, curiosity, wit, humor, and the fact that he is ours. Oh, and for the record, there has been no more passing out since the cheeto-puke incident, but I have taken care to say NO less and instead opt for the distraction method. "No, you can't stick your brush in the toilet, but... uh... shit... OH! HEY! LOOK! Look at... look at this totally awesome stale cracker in the corner! Mmm..." Hey, whatever works. Don't knock me until you have your own kid. Then you will see, oh yes... you will see. (Madness.) (Total madness.) Also, we are getting our camera fixed next weekend, and that means pictures and pictures and more pictures. I'm back to posting daily (ahem, give or take...), so even if I've nothing smart to say (which is actually really almost always the case) I can plaster my son and dog and pictures of my biceps all over the place. I'm sure you've nearly injured yourself with excitement.

::

Kek has convinced me to not start saving for a boob job, not yet anyway. Anyone care to sway me the other direction? Do I have any readers in the porn industry?

::

Did you watch the MTV Movie Awards? I love Sarah Silverman. I have another wee girl crush, it seems. She totally crossed the line, and I don't mean put your big toe over the line for a minute and then recoil in fear... she completely hurled herself over the line, like fifty times. She's rad. Is she still dating Jimmy Kimmel?

::

Is anyone doing Turbulence Training or Afterburn? I'd love to here what you think about either program. This post simply could not have been thought out or organized any better, for clearly I am a genius whose thought process rivals that of a dead slug. Enjoy your weekend!

Saturday!

2007-06-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

I want fake boobs. I was a double D for most of my adult life until pregnancy, when I ballooned to a triple Z... after breastfeeding for a year, my boobs are spent. It's like they felt as though they'd fulfilled their duty in this life, and they slowly faded away. Gone forever. FOREVER. Unless, of course, I pay a doctor a few grand to slice me open and pump my sorry excuse for a chest full of saline or silicone or gummy bears, whatever it is that they're using these days. Guess I'd better do my homework if this is something I really want to consider. And just think, it will probably be the only $5,000 purchase I ever make for myself that doesn't require me to promise endless sexual favors to my husband. MEN ARE PIGS.

::

Ethan has moved from fussy McFussalot land to cutie McCutiepieville in the last few days. He was sick, then teething again, then had an ear infection. He was... less than pleasant. Now he's so much fun! Social and adventurous and smart, oh so smart, and he dances and runs and giggles and gives kisses and chases the dog, and on and on and on. He climbs now, too, which is terrifying. Nothing good about that as far as I'm concerned. Babies should stay on the ground, that's what I think, period. Christ. I AM A TOTAL MESS.

Anyway, he's awesome 99% of the time. The other 1% is filled with tantrums like I've never seen. Ethan will throw one of these tantrums over something as simple as, oh, me having to take his sippy cup away to re-fucking-fill it for him, and last week he freaked because he had to take a bath. Oh my. I put him in the tub per the usual and he screamed and screamed and screamed. And then, he stopped screaming. He was doing the silent scream. Mouth wide open, red-faced, teary-eyed... AND NOT BREATHING. Not breathing for, like, a minute. A WHOLE MINUTE. He started to turn purple and blue. I FLIPPED. I snatched him up from the tub, urging him to breathe, baby, breathe! I laid him down on the wood floor in the hallway and called for Drew, who came rushing over in a panic. I started to think he had something stuck in his throat. At this point he was totally blue, and I honest to God thought he was going to die. My next step was to turn him over on my forearm and do the back thrust, but then he started breathing again. I collapsed in a heap and just lost it. I have never, EVER, been so scared in my life. I have never been more worried. Drew stayed strong, hugged me, told me it was alright. After I got it together and carried on with Ethan's bath, I heard Drew sobbing from the living room. It was that bad. It was scary, that's all I can really say.

Later I called my mom to explain what had happened. Oh, yeah, you kids used to do that too, she said. Wha? This is normal? To get so angry that you STOP BREATHING!? She also informed me that, DUH, if he holds his breath for too long he'll just pass out and start breathing again. Ah ha! The VERY NEXT DAY I wanted to vacuum when I got home from work, but Ethan wanted me to hold him and vacuum. That wasn't happening. So, I let him throw a fit in the middle of the rug while I quickly vacuumed around him. He did the silent scream again. I picked him up after he'd held his breath for way too long, and he went limp in my arms. He passed out! Not 2 seconds later his eyes fluttered open, he puked on my arm (which gave me proof that his dad had fed him baked cheetos for dinner) and was fine.

Sometimes I just don't know about all this. I mean, damn, ya know? Sheesh.

Sun... Monday...

2007-05-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

I AM SO TIRED OF DOING LAUNDRY AND DISHES. I can't explain how badly I loathe these forever present household chores. I am usually the sole doer of laundry, I'd say 99% of the time. Occasionally my husband will fold clothes, and I think he's actually started a load of laundry exactly one time so far this year. That's kind of my thing. If asked enough times D will do the dishes, and he's usually willing to vacuum. We alternate days for bathing Ethan, but the laundry's mine. This is because Drew would never ask me to change his tire, or to change the oil. A wise man once brought this point to my attention. It was the same man that told me that every single problem in a marriage can be boiled down to NOT ENOUGH SEX. I really think he is on to something here. I can turn a sour, pissy day into rainbows, sunshine and brightly colored tulips with a blow job. Drew is more than happy to help me fold the laundry after a quicky in the kitchen. See what I mean?

::

Ethan has been quite the pill lately, and I feel like I'm always saying that but this time? I really totally completely mean it. I can't do ANYTHING without him hanging off of my leg. In the kitchen putting away groceries, making lunch, going pee. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and maybe pull out a fist full of my own hair, it really does. I honestly felt a hot streak of resentment in my core when Ethan threw his carefully prepared dinner on the floor yet again. Awhile ago I would have never admitted to being so annoyed with my own kid, but because of other mommy bloggers out there I know that these feelings are both normal and okay. They are. I'm only human, and while Ethan's smile and laughter and quick wit are more than enough to make it all worthwhile, I still have "those moments". But I would never admit that if I truly thought I was the only one.

::

E's new favorite word is no, and he uses it in many ways. I'll fix him a piece of french toast, cut it up and bring it over to his highchair. He will look at it for a moment, tilt his head to the side, poke it a few times, then dismiss it with an unsatisfactory "No, no, no", all the while shaking his head from side to side. No madam, this simply won't do! I'll offer him his sippy cup, and he'll shake his head and say no like ah, thanks mom, but I'm not really thirsty right now. Maybe later. We'll dunk him into the bath tub and he will firmly and repeatedly chant a solid "No! No! No!" from start to finish. (Bath time is always a toss up. You just never know how it's going to go. What can one day be a wonderland filled with wetness and squeaky toys and bubbles, the next day is a fiery, burning hell. Keeps us on our toes.)

::

I've said this before and I'll say it again, if you're not watching Scrubs you should run to your local Blockbuster and rent every season you can get your hands on. I always feel like watching Scrubs. I'm always in the mood for it. It's great. It really is great.

::

My mom and her longtime boyfriend-practically-husband just bought a huge house together, so this means they'll be merging households. Him and his son, with my mom, 2 sisters and 2 brothers. It should be interesting! I think it will be great; the house is huge and spacious and absolutely beautiful. But my mom and her guy are so sickeningly in love, I'm secretly wondering how living together will impact things. It's just always... interesting to hear about other people's marital pet peeves. And if none turn up? I'll be officially repulsed. If he puts his shoes anywhere but the middle of the living room rug and cleans out the pockets of his pants before throwing them into the dirtylaundry basket, I say she's a lucky woman and has got herself a keeper. (Yeah, but will he fold laundry?)

Gross, Yum, Help...

2007-05-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

My big toenail fell off. I am horrified. I dropped something on it awhile back, then it was sore and turned a most flattering shade of indigo. Thursday when I was putting on my workout shoes I noticed that the nail was slightly raised, so OF COURSE I investigated and it just sort of peeled off. It was actually kind of cool, like for a minute. I held the detached nail in my hand and noticed that it looked like what I imagine a Lee Press-On Toenail would look like, all nice and painted pink. Then I looked down at my GIMP toe, the odd man out, the misfit. It kind of looks like a penis now, without the nail. Gah! Too disgusting. For some reason it was important that I share that with you all. You're welcome.

::

I LOVE salads! I've been having one for lunch each day at work, and I'm coming up with some rad combinations. They usually start with a bed of spinach and baby carrots. Today I added smoked salmon, red pepper strips, walnuts and raspberry walnut dressing. Another day I had the spinach and carrots with walnuts, tomato, chicken breast, and dried apricots. Sunday I threw together spinach, carrots, tomato, avocado, half a grilled red pepper, a sprinkle of cheddar cheese and grilled chicken breast, with homemade balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing. Oooh, and I found a really yummy lite honey mustard dressing by Newman's Own. Salads rock. We need to give them the credit they deserve. My husband throws together a little iceberg, a handful of cheese, real bacon bits and a whole lotta ranch and calls that his salad. We're like night and day, I tell you.

::

Things keep biting E. Sunday he was out in the yard with his dad and stood in an ant pile the size of a compact car long enough to get his entire right foot nearly chewed to the bone. Friday when I picked him up the teacher said that another kid bit Ethan on his hand, right between his thumb and index finger. I inspected and there was this tiny red circle with little teeth marks. I also learned that Ethan has been put in TIMEOUT a time or two. TIMEOUT! He's a freaking delinquent already! My worst fears are coming true and the child is not even two years old! Miss Susie told me that Ethan has pushed and hit once or twice, and that yes, they use timeout at that age. Now I think we should start practicing this at home, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Do we put him in a chair? In a corner? In his highchair, facing away from us? Every option is HORRIFYING! I told Ethan yesterday to just BE GOOD, don't misbehave so we don't have to punish you. See how that works? It would be so easy! You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! Peaches and cream, baby! Perhaps I am way over my head here as a parent. Somebody throw me a life jacket! Hurry!

Saturday!

2007-05-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I posted some new South Beach chicken recipes in my other blog, as well as a killer smoothie recipe I whipped up today. Now go forth, my friends, and eat well! I'll wait until you're finished before I continue on with my nonsensical ramblings. (taps foot impatiently) (begins to pick nose, but only because I think you're not looking) (I will totally wash my hands before I start typing again)

::

Ethan seems to have come and gone through a phase where he ever-so-slightly favored D over me. He recently started using "Mama" freely, and seems to constantly want me for comfort when he's fussy or clingy. We went through a fussy phase a few weeks ago when Ethan had a cold, but lately he's all smiles, giggles and bright blue eyes. I never expected that I would stop and stare at my son for a few moments EVERY.DAMN.DAY and just watch him, mesmerized by his cuteness and his curiosity and wonder how the hell we managed to create something so wonderful. I don't want another child at this point; I would feel complete if it were just the three of us forever. I'll admit that for the first several weeks of Ethan's life I repeatedly wondered to myself what made parents of multiple children decide to go through this all over again, two more times, three more times... in my mom's case, 5 more times. Can you IMAGINE? But now that I see how fast they grow and that you wish you could capture (almost) every moment and hold it forever in the palm of your hand, I can see how you'd start to want another one. I could go through this all again. Ethan is that damn wonderful. I'm not going to ditch the pill or anything, but I think we'd manage just fine if we did decide to add a new addition to the tribe. (Heh, tribe.)

Mid-week, again...

2007-05-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well! Our DVR has already pretty much paid for itself in one short week, because being able to record Blue's Clues and then play it over and over and over again to your fussy toddler's delight with the single touch of a button? P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S. Seriously. Fan-freaking-tastic.

::

I did Leaner Legs on Monday evening for the first time this rotation and man, I am still incredibly sore. It's 50-ish minutes of non-stop leg muscle madness. Let's do eleventeen hundred squats! No rest, now let's do quarter deadlifts. Stand up! Time for calf rasies! Ok, now hover squats. Single-leg squats! PLIE SQUATS! It was killer. I emerged from our bedroom a scary shade of bright red, shaky and absolutely DRENCHED with sweat. Tonight I'll do CTX Upper Body. This rotation I am going to try to do 3 weight workouts each week, instead of my usual 2. Because I'm now doing an upper body/lower body split, I plan on alternating the workouts on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Monday was LL, tonight will be CTX Upper Body, and Friday I'll do LL again. Then next week I'll do upper body twice and LL once, much like the Body-For-LIFE weight regime. I'm thinking that after this 4 weeks I will do the Pure Strength series, which is a 3-day split between Legs & Abs / Chest, Shoulders & Triceps / Back, Biceps & Abs. That's the plan, man.

::

In non-dieting news, I found that in the first 2 weeks I sort of wanted to "prove" to myself that I could have, for example, a bowl of ice cream whenever I wanted, and so I did. But now that I'm coming up on a month of non-dieting, the thrill of having the ice cream (or whatever "forbidden" food) has lost it's kick. It's almost depressing. All my life I have loved food, loved to eat, loved sweets. For me, part of craving the junk was thinking that I really wasn't supposed to be eating it. Now that nothing is off-limits, eating less healthy food isn't as exciting. I still indulge, but I know that I'll function and feel much better throughout the day if I opt for berries and cottage cheese instead, for example. Then it becomes more about what will make me feel good, instead of a healthy meal choice being determined by my weight that day or the tightness of my jeans. In other words, food is starting to lose it's power over me for the first time EVER. It's very exciting and actually quite "freeing". I know a ton of women that tell me they would NEVER just let go and eat whatever they wanted, because they would eat donuts and cake and chocolate for every meal. That initial fear was there for me, too, but it really wears off rather quickly and turns out to be simply untrue. I also want to make a huge deal about the fact that I haven't binged (or even had the URGE to binge, at that) since I started my non-diet. This is exactly what I had hoped for. It'll be a work in progress for awhile, because the emotional issues that go along with overeating and dieting and binging still have to be worked out, sorted through, and tucked away for good. But I have made so much progress in the last three and a half weeks, more than I ever could have imagined. 18 years of dieting and binging cannot be "undone" in a month, I know. But it's amazing how normal it all seems to me now. I was almost a different person before.

::

Have you seen The Real Wedding Crashers? It rocks. Seriously, I expected it to be another clusterfuck of a reality t.v. show, but it's well worth watching. We even DVR'd it this week. Come on over and watch it with us! (Must bring your own beer, and the password is GOLDIELOCKS.)

::

I just made some more of that Splenda box banana bread, but this time I added 2 scoops of EAS 100% chocolate whey protein powder to it. I baked it until it looked done, and much to my surprise it is golden and moist and absolutely delicious! Adding 2 measly servings of protein powder to a recipe that yields 10(ish) servings doesn't bring the protein up tremendously, but it does add a little. Also much to my surprise, the chocolate flavor tastes great against the banana. I figured it would either be really good or really gross. Fortunately, it doesn't taste like ass. And I made it in maybe 7 minutes or less while E was eating a cheese quesadilla and watching Blue's Clues. (We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from...) (Also, BEST mom ever.)

Sunday

2007-04-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Gah... it's only noon and we've accomplished so much today! It's warm and sunny. I woke at 6:30 am, fixed Ethan breakfast, did some cardio while Drew watched E (ahem, watched meaning dozed on the couch, waking up periodically to mock whatever Charlie and Lola episode Ethan was watching), showered, ate breakfast and chugged some coffee, then we all went grocery shopping, where we spent exactly eighteen million dollars and one cent, then D and I each chugged a calorie-free Xience, drove home, unloaded all the groceries, put everything away, fixed E lunch, fixed ourselves lunch, and I made some banana bread that is currently baking in the oven. It's a recipe that I got off the back of a Splenda box, and I'm excited to see how it turns out. Every once in awhile I get these nutty urges to bake. I forget how much I enjoy it. Also, I love Splenda so much that if you lick me, it tastes sweet. And I'm calorie-free! Anyway, I also did some laundry and changed our sheets and everything is in order. Next we are cleaning up the yard and I will mow our huge lawn. Drew usually mows, but on Friday Drew was using a nail gun and accidentally shot a 3" nail through the bottom of his wrist. It came out the top of his wrist. He's on antibiotics and got a tetanus shot and is generally ok, but damn. It's disgusting. He said it all happened in a matter of 15 seconds:

-shot nail through wrist
-screamed like a little girl
-his boss ran to his truck to get some pliers
-his boss cut the top of the nail off
-his boss yanked the rest of the nail out
-blood sprayed like a sprinkler from both holes
-his mom rushed him to the doctor

I can't even imagine how I would have acted if that had happened to me. He was prescribed pain pills, though, so in his eyes it was well worth it. In fact, he probably shot himself on purpose so that he could stay home Saturday, pop downers and watch digital cable. Highly suspicious, eh?

Of course my last post talked about taking things for granted, so I feel strange telling you that we bought two big thick lean steaks at the store for dinner tonight, both of which are marinating in the fridge at the current mo'. We also finally caught up with the rest of the world this week and upgraded our expanded basic cable to the digital deluxe package and got a DVR. I feel very lucky to have all of these things. I do I do I do. I feel lucky to have a roof over my head and air conditioning and a car that runs and a good job and running water and my health and just everything. And I feel guilty for having 300 channels and a DVR. This DVR sort of freaks me out. It's just weird. It just seems wrong to be able to record t.v. and rewind it and fast-forward it. I kind of feel the same way about cloning. Maybe we shouldn't be doing it. Maybe we should just sit patiently and watch commercials. I want the good old days back. Anyway, when I started working we decided that we could each indulge in one luxury of our choosing. I opted for a gym membership. D opted for digital cable. Sounds like I got the sweetest end of the deal.

The very best part is that we now have FitTv, which airs workouts from my favorite video fitness guru. I am so stoked! I keep a running wish list of her dvds that I want to purchase, and now I can try before I buy. They're currently showing Push Pull, which is one of the weight workouts I've eyeing online. I know they edit things down slightly, but from what I've seen so far I think they just cut out her talking between sets and switching weights around on the barbell. I'm pretty sure the entire workout is still there. There are commercials, though, but I can fast forward through them with the creepy magic of digital video recording. (I know this is nothing new. I am probably 5 years behind on the times, technology-wise. I STILL DON'T HAVE AN IPOD.) Anyway! I'm really excited about having a handful of new workouts at my fingertips. Very nice.

I just completed 4 weeks of MIS, followed by two weeks of one day of MIS and one day of Muscle Max, making sure to use the absolute heaviest weights I could muster. Tomorrow I start 4 weeks of an upper body/lower body split, using Leaner Legs and CTX Upper Body. I'm pretty excited. I loved both workouts the first time around, and I'm anxious to see how much heavier I can go this time. If you're a chick and you're not lifting weights, START! Pick up a dumbbell already!

OK! So, I just finished mowing the lawn and it really sucked. I started getting all OCD with making a perfect square in each section of the yard and then hypnotized myself by watching it get smaller and smaller. I pushed the mower forward. I walked and pulled it backwards. Between mowing, cardio this morning, grocery shopping and putting all our goods away, and baking banana bread, I think I am quite finished with physical activity for today. Also, the banana bread turned out really yummy! It's soft, warm, and slightly sweet. If you see that recipe on the back of a Splenda box, make it. I wonder if I could have added a few scoops of whey protein powder to it? Would that have affected anything? Anyone? Sara? Kek? What has been your experience with adding protein to baked goods? We have some nanas left over and I will probably make another loaf when they start to brown... I'll add some vanilla whey and see what happens. Or would chocolate whey be better? Suggestions are welcome!

So, we've done a ton today and it's not even 2 pm. I am drinking an ice-cold Abita Purple Haze. It's my new favorite beer, along with Abita Fleur de lis. I'm not a big beer drinker anymore, but today it really hits the spot. The house is clean, there's good stuff on t.v., the lawn looks great, the kitchen smells like banana bread, I've got a little buzz from the beer... THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

2007-04-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

I managed to sneak a peek at the last half of American Idol last night, and holy hell did I bawl my eyes out. The sight of a mother desperate to get her dying baby the potential (but not easily accessible) life-saving treatment necessary for his survival and then learning moments later that they didn't make it in time and that the baby died BLEW MY MIND. I tried to think about how that would feel, but I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I can't even imagine it. I remember they said that in places like Africa, a child dies of malaria EVERY 30 SECONDS. How can this be? THAT IS INSANE! It makes my heart and head and tummy ache with grief to know that every 30 seconds a parent is mourning the death of their child because of a mosquito bite. I feel guilty for ignoring it and not wanting to think about it anymore, as I leave work in a half hour and casually stroll to my car, head down the road to the gym, change into my soft, clean cotton workout clothes, get 30 minutes of intervals in on the elliptical machine, and then head home to be with my happy and healthy and LUCKY AS HELL family for a quiet evening in our dimly lit living room, something cooking in the oven, D smelling of a hard days work and Marlboro Lights, Ethan smelling of his Huggies baby bodywash, with sticky fingers from his bedtime snack, our dog cuddled up under the edge of the coffee table... a typical weeknight at home.

I feel like an asshole for ranting on and on and ON about how I locked my keys in my car, oh what a fucking CRISIS! I feel like an even bigger asshole for making such a big deal about food and weight and binging and dieting when, DUDE, I should really be thanking my lucky stars that food and water are so readily available to me. I'm an asshole for taking lots of things for granted. Actually, we're all assholes. It's true. What can we do?

Mid-Week

2007-04-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Eeeeeeeeeesh. I am on the verge of gouging out my eyeballs with my little black staple remover because that is the only way to truly communicate how desperately bored I am right now. I actually just typed a silly little scenario about how they'd find me dead and eyeless and know right away that boredom got the best of me, that I died of boredom... but in light of recent events I decided to not go there. I sort of just now went there, though, by even saying anything. I'm sorry. I'm bored. I'm not going to kill myself with an office supply, though. Life is precious, and Office Depot can't take that away from me!

::

Seriously though. I locked my keys in my car ALL DAY the Saturday before last. I had just come home from the store. I got out of the car, locked the door out of pure habit, set my purse and my keys in the driver's seat, got Ethan out of his car seat, put him on my hip and held him with my right arm, grabbed some bags with my left hand, started talking to our mysterious neighbor who we never see or talk to and STUPIDLY OH SO STUPIDLY (but kind of understandably, right?) proceeded to slam the car door shut with my foot. It wasn't until I started looking for my cell phone a half hour later that I realized what I had done. Because we live in the extreme outskirts of the city, no locksmith would come to my rescue. "No ma'am, we don't travel that far." "Heh, heh... sorry, we can't help ya." "Whoa, you're way out there! The manager is very strict and you're not in our zone." Such fucking fuckery! I called the non-emergency police line and asked if a cop would try to unlock it with his "jimmy" stick or whatever the hell it's called. I call it USELESS PIECE OF CRAP because the officer poked and prodded around in my door and the MANUAL lock didn't even budge a half-centimeter. "Sorry darlin', looks like you'll have to find a locksmith." After calling and calling and calling every locksmith in the state of Louisiana and finding only ONE willing to travel to our part of town (though for a bend-over-and-I-am-not-using-lubricant fee of $140), I had a moment of insanity and decided that a yard stick crammed through the crack of my door would work like magic if we could wiggle it just behind the lock and then manage to pull forward. Somehow, with my mighty strength and pliers, I managed to pry the door open just enough for D to squeeze the yardstick through and bump the lock OPEN OPEN OPEN for the love of gawd OPEN. It was like we'd just cured a child of cancer or some shit, the way we were bouncing around the yard and hugging and cheering and whatnot. Really, anyone watching from afar would have totally thought we'd just won the lottery. It kind of felt like we did, for a moment. Such relief. I didn't even want to GO anywhere, I just wanted my damn cell phone and to know that I could go somewhere if I wanted to. ANYWAY!

Then last Saturday I had the tequila incident, which happens probably twice a year. I drink tequila only two or three times a year, TOPS... just enough to remind myself why I don't drink it regularly. "Oh yeah. I remember now. This sucks. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalph..." And I was hung over for Earth Day and puttered alongside a very energetic toddler under the hot sun amongst a crowd of what seemed like eighteen thousand people. Oh, and I finally gave in to the whole "have a drink to cure a hangover" thing and bought a "wine" ticket, which cost $4, and then I trucked it over to the wine booth with a quickness, asked for some "Serenity Merlot" or some such nonsense, handed over my ticket and was handed back the TINIEST cup of wine I have EVER seen. You know those cups at the dentist that they give you with that nasty fluoride cocktail in it, for you to swish with? Yeah. That's the size I'm talking about. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajor rip off. The wine was gone in 3 swigs and I didn't feel any better.

::

2 or 3 weeks ago I started taking the anti-depressant Welbutrin XL. That's really all I have to say about that. I have my ups and downs, like everyone does, but I felt I could benefit from a low dose of a little something-something. I'm super anxious, and this stuff mellows me out and helps keep me balanced. Not that I'm crazy, or if I am crazy then perhaps now I am slightly less so. Anyway, good stuff. Also, expensive stuff! But, totally worth it, at least for now. I also really feel like going on an anti-depressant around the same time that I started my non-diet was a smarty McSmartypants thing to do. I anticipated that I'd freak out and become a calorie Nazi again by week 2 (didn't happen). I figured I'd gain eight million pounds after week 1 (hasn't happened). I expected to walk around with a dark cloud over my head for awhile, which sort of happened but only very briefly, as I learned to let go of everything that half-way held me together before. That dark period has come and gone and I believe that the anti-depressant kept everything from pouring down on me all at once, gave me a more balanced and optimistic perspective, kept me going. Now, oddly enough, I can't IMAGINE measuring out my food again. EVER again. I can't fathom writing down each and every morsel I consume. I have absolutely, 100% used up ALL of my dieting abilities. I now declare that I am honestly and truly INCAPABLE of dieting. Like, ever again. And for that I am relieved, a little sad, a lot happy, and finally able to focus on other, MORE IMPORTANT things in my life. Like: chasing Ethan through the yard. Deciding what the hell I want to do with my life, career-wise. Finishing school. Kicking ass during my workouts. Enjoying good, healthy, UN-measured meals without a second thought. Calling my grandma, for the love of gawd! See what I mean? I guess I've just decided that I have better things to do than constantly worry about fitting into size 6 jeans. Pretty mature, eh?

RAN-DUMB

2007-04-22T17:12:00.003-07:00

South Beach Diet has some new rad-sounding salad kits out. I bought the walnut-cranberry-chicken salad one and plan on eating it for lunch at work tomorrow. I'm already a big fan of their pizzas and breakfast wraps, so I'm hoping these are equally as delicious. In a pinch, South Beach meals typically provide a good balance of protein and carbs and a healthy dose of fiber. Yes, I'm on the eternal non-diet, but I absolutely still give a rats ass about eating enough protein and fiber. That will never change. You can NOT diet and still read labels. That is a way of life, MY way of life. I quite like it, actually.

::

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks of non-dieting. WHOOt! I'm not freaking out and deciding that I need to tighten things up and measure out my salad dressing, praise the Lord! Instead I am still eating what I want, when I want, exercising hard, NOT over-eating, enjoying everything as I go. Such a drastic change from 2 weeks ago, when I was still trapped in my death cycle of restrict/binge/restrict/binge. I don't mean to go on and on about this, but you have to understand that it's a HUGE deal to someone that has a)overeaten and binged ALL her life, b)suffered from severe anorexia for over 3 years, c)counted calories for a looooooooooooong time, and d)always labeled food as "good" or "bad". I had to totally reexamine everything in my life... it's never just about food or weight. Letting go of the control you get when you count calories was tough, but somehow it's really working this time. I get my inspiration from Sara L., who 1)has a hot belly photo up at the current mo' and 2)is 1 year ahead of me with this non-diet thing. Not only do we share the same name, but we've been down some similar roads and she has been a blessing to me, a real doll in replying to my annoying and repetitive emails regarding weight and food and THE STRUGGLE in general.

::

Yesterday we bought a new blender, how exciting! We decided to celebrate by making Mexican food and homemade margaritas. Heh! I made the ultimate mistake when I decided that the 2 LARGE margaritas my husband had made me just weren't doing it for me and chased them with a large-ish glass of red wine. Jose totally snuck up on me and bit me right on the ass, and my delicious dinner ended up in the toilet. I also passed out on the bathroom floor for about 2 hours. Despite how much my husband laughed at me, this was in NO WAY funny. I am not 18, or 19, or 21. I am 27. 27 year olds DO NOT get the spins and spew their carefully perfected dinner down a porcelain tunnel. It was horrible. Vow # 1: I AM NEVER DRINKING TEQUILA AGAIN. Vow # 2: I AM NEVER GETTING A HANGOVER AGAIN, EVER. I drank loads of coffee and a giant diet redbull this morning as a spur-o-the-moment hangover cure, and I was FLYING. It was scary. Then we went to Earth Day in Baton Rouge and ate festival food and got sun burned and walked through crowds and crowds and crowds of people, under the hot sun, and I felt like I actually might DIE. I didn't die. I just ate a huge grilled chicken salad with carrots and tomatoes and green peppers and spinach and ranch dressing. But I ALMOST died. The moral of the story is DO NOT BREAK UNIVERSAL DRINKING RULE # 4: Never chase tequila with red wine. You've been warned. Don't let me down.

::

Heard the new Cold War Kids song? Hang me out to dry? THE BEST SONG EVER. Ever. That's all I have to say about that.

::

Just read everything over and realized that none of it makes any sense. Enjoy. There's a message and a story there somewhere. Good luck finding it. Also, wear a condom.

RAN-DUMB

2007-04-22T17:12:00.002-07:00

RAN-DUMB

2007-04-22T17:12:00.001-07:00

South Beach Diet has some new rad-sounding salad kits out. I bought the walnut-cranberry-chicken salad one and plan on eating it for lunch at work tomorrow. I'm already a big fan of their pizzas and breakfast wraps, so I'm hoping these are equally as delicious. In a pinch, South Beach meals typically provide a good balance of protein and carbs and a healthy dose of fiber. Yes, I'm on the eternal non-diet, but I absolutely still give a rats ass about eating enough protein and fiber. That will never change. You can NOT diet and still read labels. That is a way of life, MY way of life. I quite like it, actually.

::

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks on non-dieting. WHOOt! I'm not freaking out and deciding that I need to tighten things up and measure out my salad dressing, praise the Lord! Instead I am still eating what I want, when I want, exercising hard, NOT over-eating, enjoying everything as I go. Such a drastic change from 2 weeks ago, when I was still trapped in my death cycle of restrict/binge/restrict/binge. I don't mean to go on and on about this, but you have to understand that it's a HUGE deal to someone that has a)overeaten and binged ALL her life, b)suffered from severe anorexia for over 3 years, c)counted calories for a looooooooooooong time, and d)always labeled food as "good" or "bad". I had to totally reexamine everything in my life... it's never just about food or weight. Letting go of the control you get when you count calories was tough, but somehow it's really working this time. I get my inspiration from Sara L., who 1)has a hot belly photo up at the current mo' and 2)is 1 year ahead of me with this non-diet thing. Not only do we share the same name, but we've been down some similar roads and she has been a blessing to me, a real doll in replying to my annoying and repetitive emails regarding weight and food and THE STRUGGLE in general.

::

Yesterday we bought a new blender, how exciting! We decided to celebrate by making Mexican food and homemade margaritas. Heh! I made the ultimate mistake when I decided that the 2 LARGE margaritas my husband had made me just weren't doing it for me and chased them with a large-ish glass of red wine. Jose totally snuck up on me and bit me right on the ass, and my delicious dinner ended up in the toilet. I also passed out on the bathroom floor for about 2 hours. Despite how much my husband laughed at me, this was in NO WAY funny. I am not 18, or 19, or 21. I am 27. 27 year olds DO NOT get the spins and spew their carefully perfected dinner down a porcelain tunnel. It was horrible. Vow # 1: I AM NEVER DRINKING TEQUILA AGAIN. Vow # 2: I AM NEVER GETTING A HANGOVER AGAIN, EVER. I drank loads of coffee and a giant diet redbull this morning as a spur-o-the-moment hangover cure, and I was FLYING. It was scary. Then we went to Earth Day in Baton Rouge and ate festival food and got sun burned and walked through crowds and crowds and crowds of people, under the hot sun, and I felt like I actually might DIE. I didn't die. I just ate a huge grilled chicken salad with carrots and tomatoes and green peppers and spinach and ranch dressing. But I ALMOST died. The moral of the story is DO NOT BREAK UNIVERSAL DRINKING RULE # 4: Never chase tequila with red wine. You've been warned. Don't let me down.

::

Heard the new Cold War Kids song? Hang me out to dry? THE BEST SONG EVER. Ever. That's all I have to say about that.

RAN-DUMB

2007-04-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

South Beach Diet has some new rad-sounding salad kits out. I bought the walnut-cranberry-chicken salad one and plan on eating it for lunch at work tomorrow. I'm already a big fan of their pizzas and breakfast wraps, so I'm hoping these are equally as delicious. In a pinch, South Beach meals typically provide a good balance of protein and carbs and a healthy dose of fiber. Yes, I'm on the eternal non-diet, but I absolutely still give a rats ass about eating enough protein and fiber. That will never change. You can NOT diet and still read labels. That is a way of life, MY way of life. I quite like it, actually.

::

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks on non-dieting. WHOOt! I'm not freaking out and deciding that I need to tighten things up and measure out my salad dressing, praise the Lord! Instead I am still eating what I want, when I want, exercising hard, NOT over-eating, enjoying everything as I go. Such a drastic change from 2 weeks ago, when I was still trapped in my death cycle of restrict/binge/restrict/binge. I don't mean to go on and on about this, but you have to understand that it's a HUGE deal to someone that has a)overeaten and binged ALL her life, b)suffered from severe anorexia for over 3 years, c)counted calories for a looooooooooooong time, and d)always labeled food as "good" or "bad". I had to totally reexamine everything in my life... it's never just about food or weight. Letting go of the control you get when you count calories was tough, but somehow it's really working this time. I get my inspiration from Sara L., who 1)has a hot belly photo up at the current mo' and 2)is 1 year ahead of me with this non-diet thing. Not only do we share the same name, but we've been down some similar roads and she has been a blessing to me, a real doll in replying to my annoying and repetitive emails regarding weight and food and THE STRUGGLE in general.

::

Yesterday we bought a new blender, how exciting! We decided to celebrate by making Mexican food and homemade margaritas. Heh! I made the ultimate mistake when I decided that the 2 LARGE margaritas my husband had made me just weren't doing it for me and chased them with a large-ish glass of red wine. Jose totally snuck up on me and bit me right on the ass, and my delicious dinner ended up in the toilet. I also passed out on the bathroom floor for about 2 hours. Despite how much my husband laughed at me, this was in NO WAY funny. I am not 18, or 19, or 21. I am 27. 27 year olds DO NOT get the spins and spew their carefully perfected dinner down a porcelain tunnel. It was horrible. Vow # 1: I AM NEVER DRINKING TEQUILA AGAIN. Vow # 2: I AM NEVER GETTING A HANGOVER AGAIN, EVER. I drank loads of coffee and a giant diet redbull this morning as a spur-o-the-moment hangover cure, and I was FLYING. It was scary. Then we went to Earth Day in Baton Rouge and ate festival food and got sun burned and walked through crowds and crowds and crowds of people, under the hot sun, and I felt like I actually might DIE. I didn't die. I just ate a huge grilled chicken salad with carrots and tomatoes and green peppers and spinach and ranch dressing. But I ALMOST died. The moral of the story is DO NOT BREAK UNIVERSAL DRINKING RULE # 4: Never chase tequila with red wine. You've been warned. Don't let me down.

::

Heard the new Cold War Kids song? Hang me out to dry? THE BEST SONG EVER. Ever. That's all I have to say about that.

Thursday? YES! Thursday!

2007-04-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

WHOOt! It's THURSDAY! I do love Thursdays. It's the day that all of our favorite t.v. shows come on, it's one day away from Friday, it's my second most favorite day of the week. Doesn't Thursday have a nice ring to it? A nice feel to it? Ahhh. Thursday. Yeah. Nice. Sweet.

::

Job update: I've been at an annual Water Environment conference the last 2 days, and it has really opened my eyes. I really think that I want to pursue a career in the environmental industry, but I need some guidance and direction. There are so many things I could do! I'll try to schedule a lunch with my boss to "pick his brain" (I've always hated that phrase, WTF?). He's been in this industry for 25 years and knows EVERYONE. Anyway, I'll have my associate of science at the end of May, and after that the sky's the limit baby! Can I get a hell yeah? (HELL YEAH!) Can I get a what-what? (WHAT-WHAT!) Can I get a refill on this glass of Chianti? (GULP, GULP.) Yeah. Nice. Sweet.

::

Baby update: Sheesh ya'll, I didn't sign up for this shit. The TANTRUMS. He's a ray of sunshine, a real TREAT, but if you even think of making a wrong move he will let you know. HE WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL. He pretty much runs the roost around here. He's totally king of the castle, and I am in the corner of the dungeon consulting my Super Nanny book on how to deal with his hitting and his tantrums and his great displeasure with 99.9% of everything that life has to offer. I agree, life kinda sucks, but damn. Soon I will introduce him to the magic of red wine. There, there. Drink up, son... mommy will make it ALL BETTER.

::

Fitness update: I am consistently working out 5 or 6 days a week, per the usual. I'm in my last week of Maximum Intensity Strength. I am unsure of what program to do for the next 4 weeks. I'm thinking of cycling back to Leaner Legs and CTX Upper Body, but I REALLY have my eye on the Cathe Pyramid and Superset dvds. I know I'll buy them eventually. I loved Muscle Max so much that after this next 4 weeks I will probably do it again, but I need to add some new dvds to my collection. I LOVE lifting weights. Nothing compares to how I feel after a good, kick ass weight workout. Good stuff y'all. Yeah. Nice. Sweet.

::

Non-un-anti-diet update: Thumbs up all around! Imagine, eating what I want when I'm hungry! WHAT A CONCEPT! The best part: NOT THINKING ABOUT FOOD BETWEEN MEALS. NOT COUNTING DOWN THE MINUTES UNTIL MY NEXT MEAL. NO MORE BINGING. Awesome. Really, I'm not sure what's different this go around but it is all fucking good. I've never felt better, never felt more in control, never turned down more spinach and artichoke dip (like at lunch today, for example). This has truly been a major life change, and the crazy thing is that I actually feel thinner. Clothes are fitting better. I made a promise to myself to NOT weigh for AT LEAST a month. So, mid-May I just might hop on the scale to see what has happened. And I'm not at all scared. Based on how I feel and look, based on the JOY of getting to eat without guilt and not making myself sick every sixth day, based on actually fucking LIVING LIFE and being passionate and healthy and ALIVE... this is what it's all about. Sucks that it took me 27 years to learn the true meaning of BALANCE, but hell, better late than never. Yeah. Nice. It really is sweet.

Saturday

2007-04-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Currently our living room floor has the following scattered about it: 7 books, 1 coloring book, a drumstick (not the kind you eat, heh), a hat, a football, one toddler sock, oh... two toddler socks, 2 frosted animal crackers (5 second rule my ass), 1 puzzle piece, 1 dirty chihuahua, a bunny head that springs up and makes noises when you push a button, an aquadoodle (have you SEEN these? Way cool.), one sippy cup containing half juice, half water. For those of you who decided to read my blog in hopes of finding out just how messy my living room is, there you go. On the t.v.: DUMBO. E has little interest in it but man, I sure am enjoying it! I can't believe I remember it so well. I sing along to all the songs and E looks up at me like damn mama, you're amazing. You know every song ever written! When he starts bringing math homework home he will realize just how very un-brilliant I am. Until then, I'm a freakin' genius. I'll take it.

::

I spotted some Da Vinci sugar free syrup at Wal-Mart this morning, Vanilla flavor. I also picked up some Splenda Blends packets in French Vanilla, and dude! BEST COFFEE EVER! A splash of the syrup + a packet of the splenda blends + black coffee = my head exploding. Very tasty. I'm sure there are some fab cocktails I can whip up using the syrup. (Does anyone even say COCKTAIL anymore? I think we should start saying it more often. Also, DOUCHE. I've pointed this out before, but I'll say it again: If someone is actin' a fool, call them a douche. It feels great.) ANYWAY!

::

I hate to drone on and on about diet all the time, so let's take a turn and talk about the un-diet. My very good friend (uh, whom I've never met, is that creepy?) Sara L. started her un-diet a year ago this month. I've done this half-way before, but my heart was never really in it and I'd always end up overeating and then, OF COURSE, I'd plan a super-strict diet starting the next day, which would eventually cause me to overeat again, diet again, rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat until your head really DOES explode and you realize that you're not getting anywhere, you're not enjoying life, you don't want to crunch numbers anymore or count out 17 almonds or measure a T. of mustard before you spread it on your sandwich, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I have decided to whole-heartedly really and truly go on an un-diet. A non-diet. Whatever you want to call it, the rules are pretty simple: eat only what you truly want, not what you feel you SHOULD... eat only when you're hungry, or if you're eating when you're not really hungry at the very least acknowledge that you're not hungry and pay special attention to how the food makes you feel... and finally, NO BINGING. This is something I have struggled with ALL MY LIFE. It's awful. It's a horrible thing to struggle with, and I'm ready to make a complete lifestyle change to stop it. I know that tossing out my calorie journal and stowing away my measuring cups was a huge step in the right direction. It's been since Monday that I've been doing this. Not very long at all. In the past when I've done this, I usually started on a Monday. The weekend would bring plenty of overeating opportunities, I'd stuff myself, then panic and begin a lettuce and cottage cheese diet on Monday. It's the weekend, and I feel no urge to overeat. We have a pizza planned for tonight, one with whole-wheat crust that I picked up at the store this morning. I'll probably have a glass of wine. We might make pancakes in the morning. I had the most delicious tuna and spinach salad for lunch today. I'm feeling really good about it this time. I think the problem with un-dieting in the past has been that I really wasn't eating what I wanted to eat.

I told my mom last night that it's about time I started eating like a normal person, and she pointed out that most "normal" people don't even have a grip on their eating habits. She's right. How many people do you know that are on a diet? How many people do you know that get really excited about their food, eat well and indulge without guilt, exercise for health and love every minute of it? I'm tired of being on a "diet". I'm tired of "cutting". I'm tired of only allowing myself 1,550 calories a day and then losing my mind and consuming 10,000 calories a few days later. I'm tired of feeling weak when I work out. I LOVE how much more weight I can lift when I'm actually fueling my body properly and eating enough. Anyway, gawd I'm tired of talking about it. I'm just gonna fucking do it. I'll conclude with what Sara wrote, that pretty much sums it up:

If I focus on health, fitness, fun and living passionately then my body
will respond by becoming fit and lean. The focus needs to be on lifestyle. Form
follows function.

Tuesday

2007-04-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

I am currently watching American Idol. My husband is grilling burgers. I've had 1 1/2 glasses of Merlot. I know that once he's inside the channel will change. He will look at me with disgust, sigh his disapproving sigh, and promptly change the channel to something lame like Trick My Truck or Ultimate Fighter. (Ok, I DO like Ultimate Fighter, but I have to half-way protest to balance out his hatred for American Idol.)

::

When we say "Pull my hair!" during sex, that means to LIGHTLY tug and pull slightly. That DOES NOT mean grab my hair by the roots and try to pull it all out in one swift motion, because the wig selection these days is TO DIE FOR. I'm half bald now, thanks alot. Christ.

::

Bogart. Gah, Bogart. Smelly and flea-infested, no matter how often we bathe or medicate him... still poops in the house from time to time without reason... begs to sleep in the bed with us but then cowers away when I reach out to grab him... wags his tail at company but then bites them the minute they try to pet him. Poor, poor Bogart. Oh little chihuahua of mine, either get hit by a car already or fucking get a grip.

::

I am an animal lover, I SWEAR.

::

We're going to a strawberry festival on Saturday! I was all excited until I learned that I am not eligible to run for the Strawberry Queen pageant. WTF? I am over-age (23 or under, psh!), married (only unmarried whores need apply!) and have had a child (no damaged goods, please). I can't even run for STRAWBERRY QUEEN, y'all. Is life even worth living anymore?

Gah!

2007-04-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

I miss posting, I miss ranting and raving and poking fun and venting and observing and reporting. But here I am! Things happen throughout the week where I'll say to myself gah, must blog about that!, but of course I've forgotten it all by the time I can sit down to actually type.

First, work. Still love it. There's that slightly awkward vibe going on the first few weeks of any job, when you're the new guy and you have to feel out your co-workers. You kind of have to test their limits and see what kind of senses of humor they have before you go cracking jokes that could technically get you fired or say your first curse word aloud when your computer freezes up, you know, those kinds of things. Fortunately everyone in my office is too freaking cool for words and we all drum to the same beat. I couldn't be happier, I couldn't ask for more. I feel really, REALLY lucky.

2nd, Ethan: good gravy, y'all. One minute he is an angelic shimmer of light sent down from the heavens above, the next he's a hungry, violent, LOUD little gremlin that I will do almost anything to appease. When he's up, he's up. When he's down, look out! Angel E can color and count and make animal noises and feed himself with utensils and melt my heart with a single smile. Evil Ethan likes to hit me and anyone else that gets too close to him, flails about like a newly caught catfish and is capable of screaming so loudly that I repeatedly comment to Drew oh my, how very loud he screams. It shocks me every time. If we're in the car and he starts to get fussy and lets out one of his blood curdling cries, my ears actually ring. There there, little fellow. Mommy and Daddy CAN HEAR YOU, YOU'VE MADE IT QUITE CLEAR THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY SO WHY WITH THE SCREAMING AND THE SCREAMING AND THE SCREAMING!?

He's getting to the point at daycare where the other tots will wave bye-bye to him when he leaves in the afternoon, like he actually has friends. He has more friends than me and D combined. And they're all so cute and stumpy in their own little ways. When it's my turn to pick him after work, I like to sneak outside where his class is usually at and watch him before he realizes I'm there. One day last week he was in the very back of the fenced-in play yard all by himself. There are play steering wheels attached to the fence, and he was twisting and turning them like he'd just stolen a cop car and was taking a wild, beer-fueled ride downtown. He reminds me so much of his daddy in so many wonderful ways. We bought him a sprinkler that also blows bubbles, aka the coolest toy in the entire world. He has a coloring book and loves to actually color now more than he likes to eat all the points off the crayons. He loves loves LOVES to read books. Bedtime is always a treat for everyone involved. No matter how fussy he might be, 99.9% of the time he totally chills for bedtime reading. His dad and I each read him a book, and he'll point and repeat everything we say, turn the pages, and recite the parts he knows with a big toothy smile, every time.

What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that no matter how busy I am and how much I miss spending every day with Ethan, the quality of our time together now is so much better. I look forward to sitting on the living room rug with him to read a book, to brushing his tiny little pearly whites after his bedtime snack, to showing him how to put pieces in a puzzle. I will admit that after a long weekend of tantrums and face batting and general unhappiness, I probably drive to daycare a little bit faster than usual on Monday morning to drop him off. But I probably drive even faster to get back to him at the end of the day, when my heart inevitably aches for peanut butter in my hair and snot on my shoulder. Things are good.

Mid-week Randomness

2007-03-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Wheeeew! Ethan is in bed, I'm sipping some Merlot, it's gorgeous outside and the bathroom is clean. 'Tis a good day here at the Mordant Conceit HQ. Tomorrow is Thursday and Friday will follow, at least that's how it usually goes, and that means that THE WEEKEND is right around the corner. Sweet.

::

I disturbed myself yesterday when I was weaving in and out of traffic by unknowingly singing along to a Nickelback song. Gah, if there's one thing high on my list of BLECH, it's greasy-haired all-male rock bands that drone on and on about old photographs and love. Unfortunately I seemed to know all the lyrics. Why is that? It always seems like I'm saying Gah, I HATE this song, and then I'll sing along like I wrote the damn thing myself. This happens with most Fergie and Snoop Dogg songs, too. I have a love-hate relationship with trendy top 10 hits, I guess.

::

We're going bowling this weekend! Bowling! Mind you, I'll be using my carefully perfected granny-throw technique, but I am excited nonetheless. Lessthenone. I am very much looking forward to it. Gee, has that Merlot kicked in yet? Ya think? D and I are going with my co-worker and her husband, which means that we just might actually have some 100% genuine friends now. Gasp! For the love of gawd, please do not let us act too desperate or eager. I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up humping their legs and begging to make plans for the next weekend by the end of the night, but I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that we come across as cool, calm and collected. Also: I hope D doesn't drink too much and make a complete ass out of himself. Not that he's been known to do that in the past or anything. (snicker, snicker) I'm just sayin'. (Pray for us.) (Thank you.)

::

I watched the video that Kek has up on her site and giggled with glee at everyone's unbeatably cool accents. A few weeks ago a daycare worker told me I have a serious Texas twang. I smiled and told her that I had recently moved here from Texas, but secretly I wanted to kick her in the nose for offending me. Today, however, an associate from another office called and we talked briefly, and she asked me if I was from Canada. Yes!, I told her, I sure am!, and she said that she picked up on my accent immediately. I have never been told this before, but it basically made my day. From Canada to Texas to Louisiana. May God have mercy on my soul. (And my accent.) (Yeehaw.) (Y'all.) (Heh.)

Nonsense

2007-03-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

My posts nowadays are more random, unorganized thoughts than actual blog entries. When I sit down to type it's like my brain just kind of explodes all over the blank blogger template. Being so busy all the time I almost feel like I have attention deficit disorder. Maybe I do... hey, bring on the Ritalin!

::

This morning has been especially crazy. D is still working 6 days a week and it sucks. He doesn't have to, but I think he feels an obligation as his boss's only employee to help when he knows his boss is working. His boss works like 355 days out of the year, 10 or 12 hours each day. It's incredible. He can't sit still. (Speaking of ADD!) This morning I woke up a bit after 6 to shower before E woke up, then I fixed him breakfast and I've been madly dashing around the house ever since. We wanted to get Bogart's shots today, and when I got to the clinic I realized that I didn't have enough cash on me to cover the cost. Ethan demanded that I release him from my mommy death grip and flailed mercilessly as he tried to escape from his seat on my hip. "No. I need to hold you" I told him, which of course made him fight even harder. Take that with trying to keep my yippy, shit-talking dog under control and naturally you get the recipe for disaster. And one stressed out mama. I called Drew to tell him what was up, that I was going home, and he arranged for our babysitter to come stay with Ethan for half an hour while I took Bogart back to the vet. I feel like the worst mom ever. Like, get a grip and suck it up, you know? Also: it's that time of the month. Also: my car is in the shop to have the a/c looked at, and of course (OF COURSE!) the diagnostic computers are suddenly down today, so they have to keep it till Monday or later. Fuck. I love my family, love my job, love my friends... love my life, basically. But it's all those little things, life's little splinters, that make me crazy. And when I get like 5 or 6 splinters in one hand at the same time, well... ouch.

OK! I'm done whining! My car will be fixed and B has his shots and I'll switch to super absorbant tampons or whatever. Everything will be fine. That's my problem though. I totally get frazzled and hyper, not unlike my least favorite dog the poodle, when I have a million things on my plate. I have trouble seeing the bigger picture sometimes and I tend to overreact and freak out instead of taking things in stride. I honestly have a doctor appointment in 2 weeks to see about getting back on Wellbutrin for anxiety. I don't even like taking an Advil for a headache, but I really think a little something-something would help me relax and keep Drew from filing for divorce before we reach our 2-year anniversary.

::

I just put E down for a nap. Tonight we're grilling burgers and watching movies. D will drink Corona Extra and I will drink Merlot. I think it will be a nice, relaxing night and I'm really looking forward to it.

::

Drew just texted me saying that he just shot a nail straight through his finger. SEE WHAT I MEAN? When it rains it pours, man. MUST FIND UMBRELLA.

::

I've been consistently kicking ass with my workouts. I'm really, REALLY proud of myself! I know lots of women who would've used going back to work, having a small child, a house to keep up with, etc. etc. etc. as excuses to slack on the exercise front, but I really crave working out after work. Exercising in the evenings is really working for me. (At least SOMETHING is going right.) (Pity party much?) I have relaxed my diet a bit, and I find that working out hard and consistently (especially lifting weights), lets me get away with more "cheating" food-wise. I think I'm still losing (very slowly), but I love that I can EAT and still look good. When I eat more and lift, I really notice my muscles filling out and I feel strong and much more energetic. My whole life it's been all or nothing, grilled chicken or a vat of crisco, lettuce and cottage cheese or an entire cheesecake. Now I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle, and it's a very nice place to be even if it means that the extra junk in my trunk sticks around a bit longer. (I put on a denim skirt from last summer today, and it is huge! It's stretchy material, so still wearable, but the only thing keeping it up is the jiggle in my wiggle. Can we say BOO-TAY!?) Anyway, things are good where body-image, food and exercise are concerned.

::

Something is wrong with our digital camera. I think it needs a new battery. And that is why, my friends, there are no new pics up. How you can go another minute without laying your eyes on the cuteness that is my now 15-month old baby boy, I just don't know. But I'll do my best to ensure that you get your fix asap. (He's cute, yes... illegally so. But I'm starting to feel like I'm out of my league here with some of the shit he's been pulling lately. He's in daycare all week and learns all sorts of new tricks, and then on Saturday when it's just the two of us he puts on his magic hat and outdoes me in every category imaginable.) I think my 1-year old is smarter than me.

Thursday

2007-03-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hello there! How YOU doin'? Man, I swear... all my favorite bloggers started posting much more frequently since I'm no longer sitting at home all day anxiously awaiting another post. Gone are the days when I could put Ethan down for a nap, grab a cuppa green tea and prop my bare feet up on the table while lazily reading about other people's lives, the majority of whom I'm never even met. Now I hardly even know what the hell is going on in my own life. But I swear this will not be another post where I waste time and whine about how busy I am. (I started school to finish out my Associate of Science degree to top off the working out, working full-time, being a mom and wife and dog owner and cleaning and cooking and generally losing what was left of my freaking mind.) (Heh, ASS of SCIENCE degree. Heh!) (LAME.)

Ethan got his pic taken professionally at daycare yesterday. They had this easter/spring theme with bunnies, REAL LIVE BUNNIES, and I'm dying to see how they turned out. Am also quite relieved to know that Ethan didn't try to eat/bite/beat the poor rabbit. I wonder how many bunnies they had for these pictures? That furry little guy is probably in some serious therapy right now after a full day of being held by young children, one right after another.
Also, I'm the worst mother EVER. This is the first time we've had E professionally photographed. 15 months later, and the only reason we did it was because it was being done without us having to do much more than write a check and drop him off at daycare per usual. Sad. That Mother of the Year award is really starting to rust.

Did you all know that my sister Bonnie is a belly dancer? If you're on myspace, find Bonnie on my friends list and click to her page immediately. She's got a short video of her recent bellydancing performance on her page, and you simply must watch how she works it. Talent! Passion! Dancing! (Also, an extremely and NATURALLY flat belly, which, gah. Not fair.) She'll be famous one day.

I was buying some disks for school today after a run at the gym, and I saw a mother in the check-out line over giving her baby, who couldn't have been any older than E, diet Dr. Pepper. I'll admit that I am an avid diet soda drinker. Diet Mountain Dew, Diet Barq's and Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream are my faves... but doesn't that poor kid have the rest of his life to pump himself full of chemicals, artificial sweeteners and carbonation? Isn't that what college is for?

I went to an Indian food buffet with my co-worker and her husband today for lunch. I had one plate of only what I really wanted, plus a small serving of bread & rice pudding for dessert. We finished at around 1:20 pm or so, and I ran at 4:15. I was still full and belching up ghee like a maniac as I pounded on the treadmill, and at around minute 21:42 or so I got THE WORST PAIN in my belly. I had to stop running. I walked briskly at a steep incline until the pain subsided, but man. That was scary. Can you imagine if I'd spewed a plateful of various Indian grub all over myself, the treadmill, and the people behind me? Actually, that would be hilarious if it weren't me. I'll go now.

Friday!

2007-03-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo! I just consumed the biggest sundae you have EVER SEEN. Ever. My rationalization for doing so:

It's Friday.

PMS.

If I DON'T let myself have it I will only end up eating half the kitchen this weekend and then I'll go and get the damn sundae anyway. Because quite frankly, that's what PMS does to me. It literally turns me into a mad woman, one that will stop at NOTHING to get her hands on something sweet and carbohydrate-laden. I've been eyeing the evil Marble Slab Creamery down the road ever since I started my job a month ago, and today I decided that ice cream would solve all my problems. And it DID! AMAZING! I am now as happy as a felon freshly released from prison, and as high as (from the sugar, mind you) the drug-dealer on his way in.

::

Yesterday I decided to brave the treadmill at my gym for the very first time. Treadmills scare me. I always have to look down at my feet because I feel like I could be violently flung from the mighty, rotating belt at any moment. Does this feeling go away the more you use it? I hope so. Anyway, my goal was a thirty minute workout. 5 minutes warming up with a fast-paced walk, then alternating between walking and jogging for 20 minutes, then finishing out with a 5 minute cool down. My initial goal was to jog for 5 minutes straight. I gave myself a pep talk during the warm up (You can DO THIS, Sara. Just 5 minutes, then you can walk...), and 20 minutes later it was time for my cool down. I totally high-fived myself like eighteen times. I ran for over 20 straight minutes! Also, I finally decided that I don't hate running. I plan on doing it at least once a week, in addition to step aerobics and the elliptical machine. My new goal is 25 minutes straight, then 30, and I'll increase in 5 minute increments until I am running constantly, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. How's THAT for a goal?

I feel some soreness coming on in my hips, thighs, lower abs and butt, RIGHT where my "trouble spots" are. This is good. Trouble spots, be gone! 'Course, I'm sure I wiped out all the calories I burned running yesterday with today's ginormous ice cream pig-fest, but I feel no guilt. No shame. A girl can eat ice cream AND run, can't she? That girl is me. Nice to meet you.

::

My job is going well, oh so well! You know how most of the time when something is good, almost TOO good? And then you wait for something to go wrong, almost so you can say SEE, I KNEW IT. (That's probably just me. Bitter, cynical and negative in every way about everything, all at the tender age of 27. But this way I'm rarely dissappointed! I'm not pessimistic, I'm just SMART, you bloody smiling fools! Wipe that skittles and rainbows grin off your naive little mug!) Well, things just get better and better here. I really love it. Honestly I look forward to coming to work. That has NEVER been the case before. I didn't think work could EVER be something to look forward to. (See? Pleasant surprise! Set your expectations low and you can't go wrong!)

::

My mom, her boyfriend, his son and my two (twin) brothers are coming to stay with us tonight through Monday. I'm so super excited, though the fact that there will be a total of 8 people staying in our tiny, TINY, teensy weeny eeny TINY MINIATURE house makes me want to climb the walls and pick at imaginary scabs on my arms, but it will be a great time no matter what. There's a big St. Patty's Day parade and party tomorrow, loads of wine and such for tomorrow night (red wine + me + my mom = good freaking times, always), a possible trip to New Orleans on Sunday, and then dinner at my inlaws house Sunday night. My mom will be BLOWN AWAY by how big and PERSON-like Ethan is now. I can't wait for her to see him teeter around the house and play with his bouncy ball and eat rocks and smash food in his hair and count to ten and call everything in a sippy cup "juice" even if it's water or milk. He melts my heart into an exhausted puddle of goo every single day, and I know it kills her to be so far away from him. It kills me, too. She helped me so much when E was a screaming bundle of anything but JOY, and now that we're at this fun, interactive, turbo-development stage she's not around to enjoy it. (Note to family: MOVE TO LOUISIANA, PRONTO!)

::

I will absolutely be posting a million and one pictures this weekend. GET READY. Enjoy your weekend! I'll drink some wine for each and every one of you.

(What no drinking rule? Did I enforce a no drinking rule? What no drinking rule?)

Wednesday

2007-03-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hump day! (Heeeeee, heeheehee, heeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeee! HUMP.) Ahem. Anyway! Here it is the middle of the week and I'm just now catching up with all my fave-o blogs. Gah! Not to mention that I am seriously slacking ass with my own blog. (Heh, slacking ass.)

I had so many good things to tell you! Random thoughts, silly observations, and at one point I'm quite sure I had figured out the meaning of life. Now, of course, I can't remember any of it. (Probably lucky for you, but I'm kind of bummed.) Instead I'll tell you how freaking BUSY I am these days. How the mornings unfold the exact same way each and every day, and by the clock we stomp around the house like robots. I pray that Ethan doesn't rub too much strawberry cereal bar into his hair (which would set us back an extra couple of minutes and cause a serious toddler fit that would set us back another few minutes... time is precious, precious I say!) (oh, and I KNOW I need to get some new pics up! E is too cute with this short haircut. This weekend, I promise. So please! Check back! Where are you going?). In the evenings I work out, half-way clean the house, pick out tomorrow's clothing for E and myself, pack my lunch, get the coffee maker ready, pack my gym bag, eat dinner, feed E, give E a bath (which he is HATING these days, no lie. You'd think I was submerging him into a tub full of rattlesnakes or something, the way he screams when I wash his freaking hair. Today I had to promise him a brand new car to get him to shut the hell up.), watch t.v., spend some quality time with D and then crash out by 10 p.m. because I must be up at 5 a.m. to rinse rinse rinse and repeat. Anyway, if you have a moment of free time during the day, pause to think of my busy ass and genuinely enjoy your few precious moments of solitude and nothingness.

Oh! I read somewhere that tomorrow Starbucks is giving away free 12 oz. coffees. Check up on it. I'm too busy to find out the bloody details, donchaknow. Free caffeine! What could be better?

Boo!

2007-03-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

My sis and her fiance just left. Noooo! Their visit went by way too quickly and I miss them again already. *sigh* My mom and company are coming next Friday, so I have that to look forward to.

Today we braved the mall and got Ethan's very first professional haircut. 'Bout time! It's short but it looks really cute and makes his face appear rounder. I love it! This means that I no longer have to spend 15 minutes wiping peanut butter from his curls. Awesome. Ethan was a mess during the cut, but the stylist was super cool and told me that he was actually being good compared to most kids. (Of course that was a total LIE, but I pretended to believe her.) Anyway, now our baby doesn't look like we picked him up off the street corner. Horray!

::

Going out last night wasn't the big sha-bang I expected it to be. We got to the bar too early, they got my sister's order wrong (her PLAIN burger came with the works.... it really seems like ordering something PLAIN is the hardest order to actually get right, oddly enough), D decided to get an impulse tattoo but the tat shop was booked for the rest of the night (probably a good thing, a SIGN to NOT get MY NAME tattooed on his arm... we'd have been divorced by this afternoon, because you know that's just how those things go), but then we headed to down town Baton Rouge where they were filming a movie! My inner star-struck kid sprang to life and I made D park so we could all walk AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE to see the action. We stood there talking to a rather friendly security guard about fifteen feet away from the set. It was soooo coooool! There were people walking around with food trays, offering snacks to the people on set, and they yelled action and cut and quiet on the set, etc. I giddily bounced from foot to foot to get the best view possible, because surely Brad Pitt would walk out any minute. I honestly don't think there were any really big names in the flick, but it was the real movie-shootin' deal and it was kewl with a capital K just the same.

::

I joined a gym! It's a women's gym about 3 minutes from my office. They have other facilities in the area that are for men AND women, but this particular gym is chicks only. I love it. I can't wait to incorporate the treadmill and elliptical and rowing machine into my regime, not to mention all the classes they offer. Spinning! Ultimate fat burner! Advanced step! Body bar! Yoga! I am very, VERY excited. My goal is to go three times a week after work when D picks up the bebe, and then I'll do 2 total body weight workouts at home each week and an additional cardio workout or two on the weekends. Sweetness. I've been working out consistently as ever, but I must admit that I'm growing tired of doing step aerobics and kickboxing in my living room while Ethan impatiently waits in his highchair. This will add some much needed variety and a welcome change of scenery.

Saturday!

2007-03-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

Horraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! The weekend! E got up at 6 a.m. just as I expected, my sister and I did a kick-ass kickboxing workout while he ate breakfast, my sister watched him while I took a shower (this is a total luxury weekend with built in toddler-wrangling assistance!), right now everyone is napping (except for me, of course), and the air is crisp and the sky is sunny and I love the way these jeans fit me. PERFECT DAY. Of course, it's only 9 a.m., so I won't hold my breath.

Tonight my sister, her fiance, Drew and I are going to this college-town bar in Baton Rouge called The Caterie. D's parents used to go there when they were 18 years old, and his mom brought him there when he was Ethan's age. A few weeks ago we brought Ethan there for cheese sticks and buffalo wings (and a beer for daddy, of course), and it was neat to think about D sitting at the same table 21 years ago. (It was neat? Who says NEAT? Crickey.) Anyway, we're going there tonight to play foose ball and pool and drink beer and eat greasy goodness. I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow we are getting Ethan's hair cut because he's seriously starting to look like Ronald McDonald, only without the creepy face paint. I'm sad to see his curls go, but the kid looks wiley. Cute, but in a rugged sort of way. Also, this constant stream of snot that has planted itself on my boy's face from nose to upper lip is bullshit. Ever since he started daycare he's been a walking sinus infection. The shoulders of all my shirts are coated with a clear crust that really brings out my eyes. I don't know what it is about me that screams Kleenex!, but I actually get a little scared when I see him walking towards me with a face full of snot because I know he's about to wipe it on some part of my clothing. (Do I share too much?) (Don't you think I'm sexy?)

So anyway. What a bunch of rambling nonsense. This is what happens when you don't spend all day at home writing in your blog. You start to suuuuuuuuuuck. All apologies.

Sunday

2007-03-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

D left this morning to fly to Washington D.C. for a few days for a research group, so I'm left doing the single-parenting schtick until Wendesday morning. So far so good, but it's only been a few hours. There's a chance that I'll be flying to Florida for a week in the next couple of months for my job, so I guess I can suck it up knowing he'll have to do it then. Currently his majesty is napping, but earlier he threw every toy he owns across the living room floor, had a massive number two diaper that burned my eyelashes, dropped his peanut butter and jelly sandwich piece by piece from his highchair with smug disapproval, wiped his runny nose on every inch of my clothing, sat patiently in his stroller while we went for a mile-long walk, spent 5 straight minutes asking to go outside again, ("outside, outside, outside, outside, outside..."), crushed goldfish crackers into the living room rug and threw a fit when I tried to fold a massive pile of laundry. The last few days Ethan has taken to hitting me. He'll slam his sippy cup full of juice into my face, slap me with his chubby little paw, sometimes even pimp slap me when we're out in public. At first this really caught me by surprise. He could tell it bothered me, so of course he kept doing it. Now when he decides that mama needs a little slapping around I immediately grab his arms, look him in the eye and say very firmly, "No. No hitting. That hurts mommy" and then he tries not to smile and does it again. I do the NO thing a couple of times and then I try to distract him with a song or a bottle of windex. I didn't think a 1-year old could count to ten (surprise!) and I also didn't think a 1-year old would hit his mother and enjoy it. I guess we need to start thinking about discipline a bit more, but waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I don't wanna! I don't wanna have to deal with that shit. We don't want to spank, we don't want to count to 3, we don't want to threaten with belts or spoons or whatever else people use to swat their kids with... we just want Ethan to be good. So. Maybe we'll just let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Yes. Sounds good to me! (I'm totally signing up to be on Super Nanny.)

Hey there!

2007-03-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how nice it is to once again appreciate the weekend. The weekend quickly loses meaning when you're a stay-at-home mom, at least it did for me, because every day starts to run together into one big day of diapers and windex and drool. Now I get excited about Friday and really enjoy being at home, junk t.v., a random 10 minutes to surf the net. I really miss having all-day un-monitored internet access. I'm behind on all my favorite blogs, which is almost like missing a new episode of a favorite t.v. show. Sometimes I stop and wonder gah, I wonder what's new with Sundry? And Skwigg! She just had surgery, how's she recovering? Or Sara, who just published an article on her site about how she pulled herself out of dieting hell. Or Kek, who always has something interesting to say and is really good about posting frequently. I missed nearly 7 episodes of Kek! Anyway, now I sort of see just how bad my blog addiction was. Scary. But I swear I'm going through withdrawal.

I have internet access at work and am on the company's intranet and outlook email all day, but I'm scared to venture outside of anything work related. I love my job too much to risk getting in trouble. Mornings are spent getting everyone ready for the day, afternooons are for doing cardio and spending time with Ethan, and evenings are dedicated to Drew, lifting weights and t.v. While Drew is cooking dinner I usually hop on to delete the eighteen thousand junk emails that have accumulated over the course of the day, but by the time I'm finished Drew is barking at me to get off the computer or die. Life is pretty good right now, so I silently obey. I'll figure something out.

::

I looked at Ethan yesterday and nearly lost my mind. He is a little boy. He loves outside and would spend every minute outdoors on a nice day, and he toddles around the yard eating rocks and riding his little bike. The sun makes his hair shine like silk, highlighting the reds and blondes intertwined with his honey brown curls. His eyes are big and bright, his cheeks are full and soft (oh so soft!), his teeth are white and big and plentiful. (He's got like 14 freaking teeth now. Bring on the beef jerky and the taffy, thankyaverymuch.) He has the biggest belly I have ever seen, and it protrudes three feet in front of the rest of his body. I've been telling everyone that he's 13 months, and this afternoon it occured to me that no, he turned 14 months last week. Time is flying.

Did you know that Ethan can count to 10? I find this fascinating, especially since we did not teach him how. What parents thinks yes, he is one year old now, so we should start drilling numbers into his head. I didn't think babies were capable of counting at such a young age. He learned it from watching Dora, which totally makes me feel better about all the t.v. I let him watch when we were at home together all day before. And yes, I am totally bragging. If a 14 month old baby that can consistently and clearly count to ten (ok, sometimes he forgets the nine, but it's RARE) isn't amazing, I don't know what is. He is brilliant. He is a mathematical genius.

And I miss him.

::

2007-03-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

Wow, I have a 5-minute window of time to blog! AWESOME! I am really, REALLY busy these days. Duh, I know. Ethan had 4 teeth come in at the same time, molars, and it nearly ended the world, tore famalies apart, casting woe unto all. Now the worst seems to be over. Thank you thank you thank you (but also: FUCK YOU) Teething Gods.

The job is still amazing, almost in a pinch me are you for real? kind of way. Everyone at the office is great, they love music and coffee and are just genuinely happy in their chosen careers. It's really refreshing and I leave every day aknowledging just how lucky I am to work there.

I'm still working out and it's easier to fit into my busy schedule than I thought it'd be. At the end of the day I am tired, but my body craves that post-exercise energy boost and I want to move and stretch and sweat. I've been getting 1 or 2 cardio workouts in during the week and 2 on the weekends, and I'm back to total-body strength training sessions which I do for an hour twice a week. Currently I'm doing the Muscle Max dvd and I absolutely love it.

What d'ya know. Ethan is throwing a fit because his daddy tried to brush his hair. Nice talking to ya.

Good Morning...

2007-02-24T04:30:00.000-08:00

It is Saturday, sweet sweet sweeeeeeet Saturday, which finally means more to me now than just the day I go grocery shopping, horray since I've started working again. Naturally Ethan was up at 5:45 a.m., bright and early, and I would have given anything to sleep until 7. During the week I get up at 5 a.m., so technically I slept in for 45 minutes this morning. I guess I should be grateful, but somehow I'm finding it slightly difficult.

The job is going well. There is so much to learn, which is great, except that the person I replaced had long moved on to her new job by the time they hired me, so I constantly find myself asking the engineers and geochemist stupid questions. Which, annoying. But I really have no choice. They've been great and always tell me not to sweat it, that there's a learning curve, a transition period, etc. etc. etc. Still, that sounds like something you'd tell someone with a learning disability when they're having trouble adding whole numbers. Duh. Let's hope that's not the case here and that they don't all laugh at me when I'm not there.

In recent snot and germ news we're all heading in the right direction. My throat still hurts and my nose is still back and forth between stuffy and runny (but in a drive-you-crazy sexy way, of course), Drew still has the death cough and continues to spit a million green snot wads all over our porch (which dry to a thick, paint-like crust for all visitors to see, thanksalot babe), and Ethan is virtually snot-free and his eyes are white and clear. He's back to toddling around and throwing blocks at my head and singing SpongeBob SquarePants and spreading peanut butter in his hair, you know, instead of lying on the living room rug limp and hazy eyed and sad. Thank gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. I never want to go to the dark side of daycare ever again. I know we will, but fuck, let's try for maybe twice a year and not, like, every other week, m'kay? I've heard some pretty rough horror stories about kids in daycare ALWAYS getting sick, and the ER doctor actually told me that I might want to rethink this whole daycare thing, because Ethan will probably be sick ALL THE TIME, EVERY WEEK, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Thanks doc. Asshole.

muther of gawd

2007-02-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

no time for correct spelling or grammar, as i am typing this one handed because ethan has not let me put him down all day. you should SEE my right bicep! in summary: i spiked a fever after we put e down for the night and now my throat is swollen like roseanne barr's ass. i am also achey, generally delirious and covered with dried snot and eye boogers from e using me as his personal kleenex. drew woke up last night at around 2 a.m. barfing his brains out. he has THE BUG that e seems to be over and i'm wondering if i am next. XXX your fingers AND yer toes. thanks.

e has louisiana medicaid and when i called his PCP this morning he told me he was out till wednesday. i called the medicaid nurse line which was a big fat waste of time and finally ended up calling the doc back to ask WHAT the FUCK are we supposed TO DO? he told me to take him to a 24-hour facility but i know they don't cover medicaid. sorry doc, try again. he finally said to take e to the children's ER. greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. just how i wanted to spend my morning fuckety fuck fuck fuckery with fuck on top.

fortunately we were in and out way before i expected to be but that did not stop me from having a total nervous and emotional breakdown in the hospital. the tears would not stop and people kept offering me water and tissue. one lady told me i might not be ok to drive. we went to the pharmacy to fill e's eye drops and antibiotic (diagnosis: pink eye, upper resp infection and a fucking ear infection, he totally got the poo poo platter of daycare sickness). we got home and e finally ate a cracker and drank more pedialyte. next i proceeded to torture him by administering his medications and holy shit, that kid is mighty strong with his will of ga-damn STEEL. while he napped i went into the office where they looked my sorry ass up and down and promptly shooed me away. they are the greatest people EVER. i am so lucky to have this job. gah. tomorrow the daycare and school's are closed for FAT TUESDAY, but of course i am not off from work. so, i must enlist the help of d's mom to watch ethan while i'm at work. gah. i hope i don't get the pukes. please gawd have mercy on my soul.

Welcome to Hell...

2007-02-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's post was a bit too cheery, if you ask me. Fortunately (ha ha HA!) for the sake of maintaining balance the shit totally hit the fan overnight.

Ethan's eye looked a little pink yesterday evening, and we were worried that he might have pink-eye. This morning he woke up with the pink eye, but also with severe vomiting and diarrhea. Oh, the joys of daycare! It might be a fun and loving child care facility full of learning and playing and games and friends, but it's also more germ-infested than the inside of a downtown Circle K toilet.

I knew Ethan would get sick once he started daycare, but I was thinking more along the lines of a cold or a cough. I've never experienced anything like this before. This morning D was lying on the couch while Ethan ate breakfast in his highchair, and I was in our room doing an hour-long circuit workout. All of a sudden I hear Sweetie! SWEEEEEEEETIE! I need some help. NOW! I bolted to the kitchen to find an enormous puddle of vomit on the floor. I took one look at E and immediately started bawling, because he's sick and miserable and there's nothing we can do to make him better. I hate this helpless feeling. I was all concerned about calling in tomorrow, on my THIRD day of work, to take Ethan to the doctor, but hell. What can you do? We can't afford for Drew to miss work, I have no family or friends willing to watch E while he's sick like this, and he can't go to daycare in this state. I am still not quite sure if he has pink eye or allergies or if the red eye is just a part of whatever virus has struck his fragile little system. He's napping now, and if he seems better when he wakes up we're taking him to a pharmacy to have them look at his eye. Of course this shit happens on a Sunday. You know, because OF COURSE.

Having your young child throw up in front of you is terrifying. After my workout I snuggled up on the couch with E while Drew got ready to run out and get some Pedialyte, and he projectile vomited again, this time all over himself, me, the floor and the couch. It almost happened in slow motion, and all I could do was prop him upright and tell him it would be ok. I stripped him down, stripped myself down and had D run a bath for us. We sloshed around the tub for a bit, and the whole time E had this dazed and confused look on his face and kept mumbling his great displeasure in baby language in this squeaky, sad little voice. My heart has officially been ripped out, stomped on, vomited on and then put through a blender. I just want my baby to be ok again.

2 Days Down!

2007-02-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

My oh my, so much has changed within the last week. Ethan looooooooooooooooooooooooooves daycare. I mean he loves loves loves it. Every morning he happily lurches from my arms into his very pregnant teacher's arms, and it breaks my heart but makes me feel great at the same time. It's awesome that he's in good care, but I miss him, ya know? Very pregnant teacher tells me that Ethan is "her baby", that he's soooo good and such an excellent talker. I'm sure they tell ALL the parents that, but I'll pretend like Ethan is a perfect genius angel baby. I'm glad they're happy to have him.

Drew has been amazing in helping out around the house, feeding Ethan dinner and giving him his bath. When I get home I am exhausted. I'm up at 5 a.m., ready by 6, then I get E breakfast, fix myself breakfast and chug a cup of coffee. We're out the door by 6:40 and I'm at work by 7:30. I've been leaving the office at 4:30 and getting home around 5 or so. Not too shabby! It's really worked out well and I'm glad that I don't have to worry anymore. We've set a doable routine that everyone has adjusted to surprisingly well. I actually think E is a little depressed to NOT be in daycare today. We went grocery shopping this afternoon and ran into his teacher, and when she walked up to him in the cart he squealed with delight and reached out his arms for her to hold him. I don't think I could ask for much more.

My job is fantastic. The company allows for a lengthy and smooth transition period, and though there's a lot to learn I am confident that I'll get it all down and do a fantastic job. It's such a great group of people. I still can't believe I got so lucky!

As far as food goes, I've let the calorie Nazi go. I was getting to a place before I started working that was looking a little grim. Obsessing, constantly calculating, not able to eat a meal without a calculator and pad of paper nearby. Not that there's anything really wrong with that, but as an ex-anorexic it can start to be a slippy slope of unhealthy control issues and stress. That's where I was headed. Now I'm still eating my healthy meals and snacks, but it's more about Oh, I'm hungry, let's eat! now than OMG it's meal time gotta measure out my three ounces of chicken and tablespoon of dressing and do three cartwheels and click my heels eight times. It's freeing, actually. It feels good. I had a glass of red wine (Bu-bye no drinking rule! See you in a few months!) last night, I ate a tiny bowl of light ice cream the night before, and I had a cookie from Subway today after lunch and didn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Eating a tasty treat every day or so means that I don't have to have those hog wild out of control days where I decide that I urgently need to consume an entire half gallon of ice cream or 24 cookies because I've been so strict all week. I'm taking it as it comes, keeping my workouts intense and plentiful, and honestly I'm feeling fabulous. I still want to shed about 10 more pounds, but I'll go by the way my clothes fit, how I feel and an occasional weigh-in to determine if I need to cut back on portions or bump up my exercise. I am sure that I can reach my goal this way, it'll just take a little longer, and that is more than ok with me. Dieting might have been my hobby while I was at home. Something to do, something to plan, something to tweak. Now I feel like I'm actually eating to live, not just to fit into a smaller pant size, not counting down the hours between bland mini-meals, but genuinely enjoying my food. This has been a week of tremendous change, all for the better.

Wheeeeew!

2007-02-13T10:26:00.000-08:00

Today was Ethan's first half day at daycare. I started to feel really, REALLY guilty as he happily ate his morning cereal bar and drank his sippy cup full of milk while watching his usual morning cartoons. I was at the computer checking my email and drinking coffee when I realized that he had no idea that in a matter of minutes we'd be driving to a strange place, where I would DROP HIM OFF and LEAVE HIM. I was a nervous wreck when we left the house at exactly 6:52 a.m. He'll think I'm abandoning him! He'll hate me. He will never forgive me. He will be so scared! I can't leave him. I really don't think I can leave him.

When we got to the daycare facility fifteen minutes later it was on and poppin'. Kids were everywhere! His teacher greeted us and held out her hands to hold him. She asked Ethan if he wanted to look outside, and he practically jumped into her arms. I said Wait! Give me a kiss! and I kissed his cheek and said ok, I'm leaving now. Bye-bye Ethan! See you later! and I braced myself for the hurt and the fear and the crying and the new found sense of betrayal. And it never came. Ethan turned to me, waved his little hand and said, matter-of-factly, "Bu-Bye!". Then his teacher whisked him over to the window to look outside and I slipped away, unnoticed and unmissed. WHAT THE HELL?

What a relief, but damn. At least fake a little resistance, ya know? Sheeesh. When I picked him up at noon they'd just finished lunch and were playing outside. Ethan saw me from across the play yard, gave a big toothy smile and said "Hiiiiii!". His teachers said he did amazingly well. First day down, and I imagine it'll be cake from here on out. We'll do another half day tomorrow, and then Thursday will be his first full day. It's obvious that he had a great time. When we got home Ethan had a snack, then practically begged to take a nap. He got excited when I asked if he was tired and wanted a nap, jumped into my arms and then dove head first into his crib. He snuggled up to his stuffed dog and told me to get the hell out of his room. Someone shoot me. Now. Quick.

6 Weird Things About Me

2007-02-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

I expect MO Mommy, Kek and Sara L to do this too. Because you have nothing better to do, right? RIGHT? (I know this because you're reading my blog. Heh.)

1) I am a great lover of all foods, with the exceptions being black licorice, papaya and swiss cheese. I love red licorice, mango, and every other kind of cheese under the sun, so go figure.

2) I have bunions. Oh, shut it! I posted my detailed experience with giving birth on here, so bunions are nothing.

3) For probably 19 years I thought my feet were normal. Somebody pointed out that look, see that bump? And that one too? It ain't normal, sweetie. And then I went and sat in a dark corner and rocked back and forth for awhile.

4) Like amalah I am obsessed with the Food Network. On the rare occasions when I'm in total and complete control of the remote (um, like if Drew is gone, or something) that's pretty much all I watch. Some favorite shows are Paula's Party, 30 Minute Meals (because I just love being annoyed, can I get a very nasally YUM-O!?), anything with Giada De Laurentiis and Nigella Lawson. I never actually cook anything I see on these shows, but I enjoy watching other people do it.

5) It absolutely makes my day when I buy something and the total comes to an exact dollar amount with no change. It's the little things, remember?

6) I once drank bong water, yeeeeeeeeeears ago. It was an accident, but I'll never forget the taste of that vile liquid and the high that was soon to follow. (Ok, I was already stoned at the time so I don't really know if drinking the bong water made any difference at all. I like to pretend that it did. I like to pretend that my total humiliation and all the grief I caught from that one damn accidental sip had some kind of positive impact, know what I'm saying?)

It's Official!

2007-02-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

The job offer has been made official as of this morning, and I'm about as anxious and excited to start working on Thursday as a sixteen year old boy is to lose his virginity. We ran up to E's daycare center today to talk with his teacher, meet his class, pay for the week and drop off his supplies (extra change of clothes, diapers, sippy cup, lotion and diaper rash cream, to be exact). Ethan watched the other toddlets play outside in total amazement (you mean there are other babies in this world? Hey, that one's kind of cute!), but when his teacher tried to hold him he almost lost it and started chanting Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye over and over again and flopping his hand back and forth, as if to say I do not know you, and I did not say you could hold me, either. Return me to my mother at once, for you know not what I am capable of, for my tantrums emerge straight from the firey depths of hell! Heh, she'll soon learn!

Tomorrow will be Ethan's first official day at daycare. I'll drop him off at 7 a.m. and pick him up after lunch. Rinse and repeat for Wednesday. Thursday will be his first full day. What in hell's bells will I do with myself for 5 glooooooorious hours tomorrow morning? I'll workout, that's what. And shower. Shower with the radio blaring! I might even do some singing and dancing in front of the mirror, using my brush as a microphone. It's the little things, you know? The little things that make life so sweet.

As if my getting a job wasn't exciting enough, guess what else? GUESS WHAT ELSE? There is a Starbucks right across the street from my office. Walking distance. And? The BEST part? Whole Foods is a 3-minute drive down the road. I've got morning coffee and lunch covered, man. I'm as thrilled about these things as I am about the benefits and the pay. Because, as you know, I'm kooky like that.

All I Did Was Blink...

2007-02-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about this little guy I know named Ethan. He used to be a baby. He used to be a little wrinkly blob of nothing but poop and spit up and screams and cries and gassy smiles. Did I mention the screaming and the crying? And the screams? And the cries? SCREAMING and CRYING. But now? NOW? He's like this little man. An actual person, one with opinions and a sense of humor and a love affair with SpongeBob SquarePants.

Ethan is walking. He's walking everywhere! He still looks like something out of a horror movie as he wobbles stiffly across the living room floor or down the hall to take a bath, but he's walking just the same. He can say eyes and head and hi and hey and hello. He can say I see you and peekaboo and patty cake. He can! He says more and alllllllll done and splash and bottle and yogurt and baby. He knows the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song and encourages us to sing it repeatedly, over and over and over again, until our heads explode. If we're having a particularly difficult diaper change or a post-bath wrestling match, all I have to do is start with Ooooooh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? and he will stop the madness and enthusiastically chime in SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! Who knew that a freaking cartoon sponge would be the answer to all our parental distress? Works like a charm EVERY.DAMN.TIME.

I'm honestly ready as ready can be for him to begin daycare next week. I've spent so many weeks mentally preparing to make the switch to working mom, and at this point I do not think I could be any more prepared. I don't think I'm going to cry when I drop him off, which I feel strangely guilty about. We're doing two half days on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm planning to start work full time on Thursday. I know E will love it. Because hey! Look! There are other Frankenstein babies toddling around! And blocks to fight over! And crayons to eat! I considered telling his daycare teacher that if Ethan ever throws a fit to just sing the SpongeBob song, but then he'll probably expect everyone to sing that to him for the rest of his life anytime he expresses even mild displeasure about anything, and I do not think his future wife would appreciate that. I don't know though. Maybe some chicks are into that.

Go Figure

2007-02-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

I already had a few interviews scheduled for next week, ones that I was not excited about, ones that would have led to mindless, boring, dead-end jobs. Complete misery, doom, despair and zero job satisfaction. I was beginning to walk into these interviews caring a little less each time, not particularly giving it my all because really, how do you expect me to get excited about taking phone calls from angry long distance customers or logging boring, monotonous data into an Excel spreadsheet day in and day out? I'd had two interviews for jobs I was actually excited about, but I was turned down for one reason or another and things were starting to look grim.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from an environmental consulting firm I'd applied to several (SEVERAL) weeks ago. I told them I was free to interview any day next week except for Monday and Tuesday, as I already had two interviews lined up that excited me about as much as having teeth pulled sans Novocaine. They said they understood it was short notice, but could I come in tomorrow? I told them sure and called around to find someone to watch E. After settling the arrangements I did some research on the company and found myself squealing with delight and stomping my feet with excitement because holy hell, this sounded awesome. A possible job with a company that stood for something I actually cared about? And the position was more of a career, not just another job that would leave me aching to bolt for the door at 5 p.m. each weekday?

I interviewed today with three engineers that I clicked with immediately. They were friendly, good humored, passionate about their jobs and obviously a great team. The more they told me about the company the more I considered doing a quick handjob under the table to speed up the hiring process. I wanted that job. I wanted to be a part of everything that was discussed. I could see myself working there, being happy, learning something new every day and absolutely loving it. Then they told me about the salary. (Would it be forward of me to hump your leg?) Then they told me about the benefits. (Can I buy you lunch?) Then they explained the flexible hours and the casual dress code. (I can do an awesome strip tease right here, right now on this very conference table!) We all shook hands and exchanged final pleasantries, and they said they'd been through several HUNDRED resumes but hoped to make a decision by Monday. I crossed my fingers and headed home.

I got a phone call 15 minutes into my drive home. They wanted me. THEY WANTED ME! They extended an offer and I told them thank you, THANK YOU, you've made my weekend! I got a job, y'all! I can hardly contain my honest, genuine, over-the-top excitement. I have never been so happy. I've definitely never felt this way about a new job. Can I bend my no-drinking rule long enough to crack open a bottle of champagne? Because this totally calls for celebration.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2007-02-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

My mom got me two workout dvds that I've been dying to get: MuscleMax and the Timesaver dvd. Oh, and a resistance band to add to my home gym. The flowers were sent to me by my good friend Meghan. Aren't they gorgeous? They make the whole room smell delightful! (Who says delightful? Clearly a sign of old age...) Tonight my mother-in-law is cooking me a birthday dinner of steak (per my request, mmm...), twice baked potatoes and asparagus, and of course cake. I'm hoping there will be ice cream involved as well. Cake and ice cream is most certainly the only way to make yourself feel better about turning 27. I'm staring 30 right in the face. I can reach out and touch 30. It feels scary and exciting and completely out of my control, so have some more cake. Let me say right now that the very best gift I have received this birthday was my little sister telling me: I can't believe you're 27! You certainly don't look or act like it. You're definitely aging like mom. That's an amazing compliment.

That's Not Juice In My Sippy Cup!

2007-02-07T09:46:00.001-08:00

Yellow Submarine on Vimeo

2007-02-06T06:10:00.000-08:00

Well. I see a difference NOW. Honestly I had been going back and forth and back and forth on the camera, comparing all my progress pics, frowning because I couldn't see much of a difference. The "before" pic was taken the last week of October 2006. The "after" pic was taken last week. Still a work in progress for sure, but I promised some pics and pics you shall have! (I bet you a million dollars I just lost half my readers.)

Drunken Fool

2007-02-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else stuff their gaping maw with Super Bowl grub yesterday very much like you stuff a turkey on Thanksgiving Day? No? Oh. Well, I sure did. Spinach dip with melba toast, spicy queso and tortilla chips, greasy sausage (eaten like a vulture tearing apart fresh road kill, naturally), king cake, pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese frosting, pieces of E's peanut butter and jelly sandwich, etc.etc.etc. Also, alcohol. I drank cheap whiskey (the very best cheap whiskey, thankyouverymuch) with diet coke in the afternoon, and then D's aunt brought everyone daquaris later in the evening. Size:LARGE. I opted for the White Russian, and while everyone else slowly sipped from theirs throughout the evening by half-time I was the googly-eyed fool in the back of the room sucking up the last drop of my crazy juice, making that annoying gurgling noise with my straw that indicates CONTAINER:EMPTY. At one point somebody made a joke about something random, and I laughed a snorty laugh and slapped my hand on the table as if to say heh, good one, and D's sister looked at the rest of the room and asked "Is she dunk?". I promptly straightened up and adjusted my shirt and shook my head and insisted that no, no! What are you talking about? No! I'm not drunked. Drunk! I'm not drunk. Gawd. Then somebody coughed and another person got up to use the bathroom and there was silence, awkward silence that screamed Liar! And then I got up and ate more king cake.

I have decided to give up alcohol for awhile. (No, really. I'm serious this time. Why are you laughing? Stop shaking your head!) I don't have a problem with it anymore as far as drinking all the time, but I do kind of have maybe a teeny tiny problem with stopping when I do get started. It certainly isn't helping me lose these last 7 pounds, because not only is alcohol packed with empty calories but it also causes me to rationalize that spinach dip is a health food that should only be consumed in mass quantities because it contains trace amounts of spinach. So, alcohol is off the menu for a little while and I will certainly keep you posted. I'm on the wagon. No, I'm off. Am I on or am I off? I can never get that one straight. I'm the one that means you don't drink. Stupid wagon.

Anyway! Drew made me the most beautiful wooden jewelry box for my birthday! It's big and made of wood and gorgeous, with a secret compartment for my stash (what, I'm giving up alcohol!). I didn't know he knew how to... make stuff. Out of wood! He surprised me Saturday when he came home from work with a big goofy grin on his face and his hands behind his back. He'd spent the afternoon making it, and it is probably the best gift I've ever been given. The only thing that would've made it better is if he'd given it to me paired with a homemade card made out of dry macaroni and colored yarn. Really. It's awesome.

The job hunt continues on but I really just don't care anymore. You go on interview after interview (ok, so I really haven't been on that many interviews, but when going on even one interview requires dressing up, blowing out your hair, finding a babysitter for your toddler, leaving 2 hours before the interview to drop your kid off and then watching him throw a total and complete fit when he realizes you're about to leave, driving to the interview and being grilled with questions such as "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" or "How do you deal with conflict" [to which I always answer "Stripping for extra cash" and "I carry a knife at all times in case things get too heated", respectively]) and it gets to be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Especially when 3 out of 4 interviews are for ho-hum jobs that you probably kind of maybe don't even really want because you probably kind of maybe most definitely wouldn't enjoy doing the work day in and day out. Which leads me to...

School! I am going back! I am going back to school. I am exactly 1 elective credit away from having my Associate of Science degree, and I'm all signed up and ready to take my 1 online elective credit course in March. After that the sky's the limit! I checked out a few books from the library about careers in nutrition, and I'm very VERY excited about getting my 4-year degree. The details are all kind of a blur at this point, but I'm determined to do it and am thrilled that I won't have to spend the rest of my life as an administrative assistant or office manager. Horray! Drinks all around! No, wait... how about some seltzer with a twist of lime? Yes, that's better.

Dinner Music

2007-02-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

C:\Documents and Settings\Administrator.DREW-6073BC5F9B\My Documents\My Pictures\HPIM3335 on Vimeo

Recipe Blog

2007-02-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

I've started a recipe blog at http://healthnutrecipes.blogspot.com/. If you have a recipe to add, email me at slh07@hotmail.com. I'll take Body For LIFE-style recipes as well as non-diet friendly ones. Happy eating!

90%

2007-02-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

Guess who's walking? Well, I wouldn't call it walking, not yet anyway. Guess who's taking several unassisted steps from one parent to the other, looks like a drunken frat boy with vertigo in the act and then claps and squeals with pride after collapsing into said parent's arms? Little Ethan, that's who. If you said Drew you were close, good guess. I fear we've created a monster. Ethan thinks walking to and fro is a game, one that does not require him to put any real effort into keeping his balance. This could be dangerous later on, but for now I'll just enjoy the sheer hilarity that is my baby boy stumbling back and forth across our living room floor. He just looks so stumpy, so awkward, I can't help but crack up every time. Ethan laughs along with me, high as can be on nothing but life (and perhaps that shot of vodka I added to his apple juice earlier). Ah, the joys of parenting. Sure you never get to leave the house alone, but why would you want to when there's free entertainment tugging at your pant leg 24/7? The glass is most definitely half full. And it's full of Merlot!

::

I've joined up on the Pinkdumbbells.com site and am participating in this month's 90% Nutrition Challenge. It's a great way to have some online support (chicks only!) from a great group of girls. Based on John Berardi's Precision Nutrition program, the goal is to eat clean 90% of the time. If you're following a Body For LIFE style program that consists of 5 or 6 small meals each day, that would mean you get 3-4 cheat meals each week. Examples of acceptable cheat meals are (from Maggie's blog, a pinkdumbbells.com administrator):

a) personal size pizza at Donato’s
b) 1 c. rice with 1 c. Chinese take out food
c) regular on-plan dinner with bowl of ice cream for dessert
d) Chipotle barbacoa beef bowl

but not:

- entire large pizza with the works
- 4 plates at a Chinese buffet
- Entire 1/2 gallon carton of Ben and Jerry’s
- 3 Chipotle burritos with extra cheese, sour cream, and guacamole plus chips and bladder buster Coke

I could certainly stand to downsize my cheat meals. I don't quite think a plate of homemade lasagna, buttered peas, two bowls of salad with olive oil dressing, 3 slivers of garlic bread, 2 large glasses of wine and then a King-sized Zero bar with a glass of skim milk can be classified as ONE cheat. (That's what I ate Tuesday night, and it was gooo-ooo-oood.) So, my goal is to decrease my cheat portions but maybe have 3 or 4 of them in a week. Logic says that this will prevent me from wanting to eat an entire plate of lasagna in the future, but who knows. Sometimes a girl needs to feel full, ya know? Anyway, I've joined up and am sticking to plan. It starts today, so that means that I can't slather myself in hot wing sauce and blue cheese dressing and go slip 'n' sliding down the driveway on SuperBowl Sunday, but that's ok. I'll have one plate of only the foods that I really want, enjoy it and be done with it. Then I'll cheat again on my birthday, which is next Wednesday. (I nearly fell on my head when I glanced at a calendar yesterday and realized that, uh, my birthday was in a week. I had to breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes, but now I'm ok.)

::

Leaner Legs & CTX Upper Body

I did the LL workout for the first time on Monday and the CTX Upper Body workout this morning. Man. MAN. They are both brutal. Leaner Legs is a moderate weight, hi(ish) rep leg and ab workout that left my legs begging for mercy. I was a quivering, sweaty, red-faced mess when it was over and I couldn't believe how sore I was the next day. She moves quickly from one exercise to the next, barely allowing for any rest between sets and instead using active recovery, i.e. calf raises immediately following a killer set of deadlifts, or deadlifts right after static lunges, etc. It's a nice change of pace after doing four weeks of Pure Strength. This workout also includes hover squats (aka sit and stands), step ups (leg presses), plie squats, single leg lunges (with rear leg up on a high step), standard squats and a killer ab routine. I was quite impressed. CTX Upper Body is an hour long upper body workout that nearly killed me today. I love it! Again, she moves quickly from one exercise to the next and each body part was worked until I simply could not go on and was creatively cursing at the television. I'm excited to do this series for another 3 weeks.

I need a good recipe for cook-ahead dinners next week. Any suggestions? Something that makes 4 servings and keeps well in the fridge. We should start a recipe blog... anyone interested?

Chicken Capri & Baby with Beer

2007-01-29T05:24:00.000-08:00

Ethan took comfort from the pains of teething with his dad's nice cold (cheap) beer. It was unopened, CPS. We do not let our child actually drink alcohol. Only when he's reaaaaaally well behaved.

Ah, the chicken! I got the recipe in a South Beach Diet email newsletter and it is soooooo gooooooood. I used four 120-gram chicken breasts, 1 T. olive oil instead of 2, provolone cheese instead of mozzarella and diced Italian blend tomatoes instead of crushed. I can't wait to have it again tonight.

Chicken Capri

Serves 4

Ingredients

1 cup reduced-fat ricotta cheese
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup crushed tomatoes
4 slices reduced-fat mozzarella cheese

Instructions

In a blender or food processor, combine the ricotta with the oregano, salt, and pepper. Process to blend. Rub the chicken with the garlic powder. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken and cook for 12 minutes per side. Place the chicken breasts, side by side, in a large baking dish and allow to cool.

Preheat the oven to 350°F.

Spoon 1/4 cup of the cheese mixture and 1/4 cup tomatoes onto each chicken breast. Top each chicken breast with 1 slice mozzarella. Bake for 20 minutes, or until a thermometer inserted in the thickest portion of a breast registers 170°F and the juices run clear.

Nutritional Information:
340 calories
15 total g fat (5 g saturated fat)
115 mg cholesterol
6 g carbohydrate
44 g protein
1 g fiber
470 mg sodium

Then, later for dessert I had protein pudding:

2 servings

1 box (4 serving size) instant sugar free fat free chocolate pudding
2 cups cold skim milk
1 scoop chocolate whey protein powder

Add the scoop of protein powder to the dry pudding mix, then prepare according to package directions. Easy enough, and yummy, too.

Per serving:
220 calories
1 g fat
19.5 g protein
30.5 g carbohydrate

The trick to sticking to a healthy diet is most definitely trying new foods and recipes so the junk doesn't start to look good. I wouldn't trade my chicken capri for a slice of pizza any day! (It was really that good, I tell you no lies...)

TOM & Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2007-01-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

I finished my first 12-week "challenge" yesterday. I hate to call them challenges because that kind of leaves you thinking ok, I'm done with that, now what?, and the fact is that if you plan to keep the positive changes you made in your body for the rest of your life, you simply have to keep at it, forever. To me, dividing chunks of time into 12 week blocks is just a way to set goals, long and short term, and then to reassess and observe and tweak as necessary based on the results you get and the results you want. This challenge I lost 15 pounds of nasty jiggle, became a rather hardcore fitness fanatic, and squashed my issues with the all-or-nothing mentality and binge eating. In other words, success! Scale-wise I'm still 5 or 10 pounds from where I'd like to be, but it's possible that the scale won't budge much from here on out if I focus on building lean muscle, and that's perfectly fine with me. I also found out that I love to lift weights. Cardio leaves you with that little rush afterwards and makes you feel wonderful for the rest of the day, but I truly love nothing more than knocking out 3 heavy sets of squats, or arnold presses, or skull crushers, or negative curls, etc etc etc. I love strength training.

A month ago I started taking Ortho-TriCyclen Lo again for the first time in 3 years. I hadn't had my period (boys, you probably want to stop reading right about NOW) in close to 2 whole glorious years because I was pregnant and then breastfed for 11 months after that. When I took my last "active" pill last week and started on the green ones I knew what was in store, but honestly I wasn't fully prepared for the rush of hormonal craziness to come. The 3 days before I started my period I felt as though I was ready to explode. I was bloated, cranky, irritable, and pretty much just a straight up bitch. I also felt the constant urge to put on some elastic-waisted pajama pants, make a nest of pillows in front of the television and consume an entire gallon of ice cream, maybe half a peach cobbler and a package of oreos, whole boxes of cereal and buckets of cookie dough. I refrained, mind you, but the urge was there and I felt fat and moody and miserable. I did have one semi-wild free day last Saturday but I needed it, oh how I needed it! Cheese sticks with ranch and hot wings and an oreo McFlurry from McDonald's were on the menu, and later cookies and cereal and dinner at my in-law's. Sunday I was right back to it, and amazing things started to happen. I go through these little "whooshes" where my body seems to stay the same for awhile, then all of a sudden I can almost see the fat melt off my hips and thighs, new muscle is uncovered, faith and commitment renewed. These results couldn't have come at a better time, so now I feel like I finished the first 12 weeks proud and strong and am diving right into another 12-week challenge starting today.

I have so many good things to say about the Pure Strength series, and I'm honestly kind of sad to see it go. I was tempted to do it for another week or two, but I know that changing things up is good and that I'll rotate back around to it again in a couple of months. I'm lifting heavier than ever before, and it has really pushed me to dig deep and see what I'm capable of. I no longer subscribe to such magazines as Shape and Fitness because I can't bare to flip through the pages and see a 95-pound model hoisting a 3-pound dumbbell over her head like she's breaking a sweat. It kills me. Well, maybe she is breaking a sweat with 3 pounders, as a brisk wind would likely knock her on her ass and maybe even cause her to break a hip. But, you know what I'm saying. Women, be not afraid of the heavy weights! They will do wonders for your body and your health and your all around well-being! It's true! We're ALWAYS stronger than we think we are. (Except for those meatheads in the gym who lift absurd amounts of weight with totally incorrect and slightly embarrassing form, of course. Men, you probably can't honestly bench 467 pounds with proper form.)

Ethan has 2 new teeth! We'll call them Ned and Fred. Ned and Fred have caused mommy and daddy some major teeth-grinding and nose pinching and several dollars into the potty mouth jar over the last few days, but now all is well. Is it normal for teeth to come in pairs? Ethan has always gotten his teeth in two at a time, so it's totally double the fun. I guess one tooth would be kind of lonely without his mate, and I understand that we all need friends, but really. One at a time would be much better. Two is not always better than one. Nope. Nu uh.

Pointless Pics

2007-01-24T10:36:00.000-08:00